acceptance

Have you ever had one of those amazing weekends where Sunday night comes to an end and your still awake replaying every moment in your mind? That is pretty much how my night has played out for the past hour or so. I should be exhausted, and I am, daylight savings should right now be kicking my butt, yet it's not, and I am still up. I am playing in my mind the entire weekend's events beginning with Thursday night.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.

giving it your all

Each day I wake up, regretfully leaving my warm cozy bed in my warm cozy existence in dreamland and choose to give it my all to whatever the day may hand over to me. Over the past year I have been taking my life step by step, decision by decision and I have noticed what may seem obvious to most looking in...those individual steps and decisions make a larger more deeply impacted result on my life. This in turn has an impact on those who surround me.
Relationships are tough and require work, whether its with a family member, a coworker or a lover. I have taken many steps in the right direction toward healing myself and being as completely honest as i can allow myself to those I choose to surround myself with. What I noticed recently is that I have been keeping everyone at a nice safe distance from my personal life. Sure, I share thoughts and feelings and my time but at the end of the day I am on my own.
If I leave tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I won't be heartbroken. And to be honest, I have no idea how to fix it. I have created a gap between me and the world and right now it is so dangerous for me to cross it. I have been feeling so unsettled lately, so not myself and I can't explain it. Instead I run and I don't feel much better emotionally but at least I have exhausted my body to the point where the thoughts I did have are pushed aside by those of muscles screaming at me.
I'm sure my therapist would be having a field day with me right now, but the truth is I can't afford her, so instead I journal and blog. I am not sure I will ever be completely healed, but I am also not sure I want to be healed. I am so scared to see the world as it could be with me a part of it.

Stay at Home

If I had my own way, and I don't, I would be a stay at home mom with at least 4 children to raise where I am their main parental contact and guide. In the case of life that has been given to me, instead I work a full time job and a part time job and my daughter and I live home with my mom and brother and 2 cats.

I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.

Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.

Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.

Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.

Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.

Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.

Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.

End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.

final decision

It's always hard when thoughts are rolling around and I can't seem to make sense even when its all i can do to try and focus on them. All of a sudden, one seemingly insignficant event occurs and those thoughts come tumbling together making a startingly clear reality. Now i find myself looking back wondering exactly how long I have been thinking these misconstrued thoughts.

It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.

I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?

the corner around the bend

Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.

waiting on the clock

As females, we always seem to be waiting. whether it's in line at the grocery store, waiting for the clock to turn to 4pm so i can leave work and see my little one...or on the off chance i have plans, waiting on him. why do we care? why are we so in tune with a clock that no matter what time of day it is we always seem to be waiting?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?

my little girl

To Emma,
You have turned 5 years old today. This afternoon is your offical 5th birthday. You now have the ability to display all 5 fingers whenever anyone asks you just how old you are. My precious little girl. How quickly time has flown. I can remember the 2 days prior to given birth to you like it was yesterday. How long those days seem to take and how quickly these 5 years seem to have gone past me. If not for the realization that you are also going to kindergarten at Holy Spirit and the first monthly payment I have already made, i don't think reality would have offically set in.
Emma, you are the most precious child i have ever met. You are so smart, witty and fun. I laugh with you, at you, at my reactions to you every single day. The moments with you are just as wonderful today as they were yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't be the mom i am today.
Guess what? Chicken butt! Its so silly, it has no meaning but it makes the both of us smile every single time we hear it. Just remember, and you do, don't say that at school!
At the most, I have had to ask you 8 times to get dressed in the morning, at the least, I got out of the shower to find you dressed and ready to go.
You hear a fun dancing song on the radio, in the car on 'mommy's running music' or the music in the pool at the Y, even on one of your own cd's and you will dance. Regardless of where we are, no matter..sitting, standing, swimming or buckled in you will dance. If i ever had to say something of you, Emma you dance and you smile the entire time you do it.
This is your birthday week. Yes, I said week because no matter how old you become, it took us a good week to decide we were better apart from one another than together. And although you are only 5 right now, you are awesome with me, but you are even better on your own. Emma, you will go far, you will do great things and you will touch people in ways that will constantly amaze me. I know at school today you had to 'share' your day with the last person you would ever want to share it with, but you whispered to me you didn't want to share but you would and yes Emma, you did. You share with the patience of an adult and the bounancy of a child.
I love you with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without you as my child. No matter how hard our life together may get, no matter how easy it may become at times, we can say we did it together and we are champions together.
Emma, my life was built to take care of you and I promise you, I will do everything I can in my power to keep you safe. I will pick you back up if you fall. I am your mom today, yesterday and forever.