Day 1 - no small feat

Initially when planning for our Spring Break, I began thinking, what will I do with Emma for the week?  Once things begin to change in my life (without my permission I must add), I made an executive decision to make a huge change in our lives and see where it takes us.  This one decision took me planning for Emma each day to something so simple as stick with me girl, we're headed South  for a while.
4 am Saturday found us venturing into the cold dark morning filled with anticipation that only the two of us know.
 6:07 am found me watching the sunrise as I drove through Jersey with Emma asleep in the back seat.
  10 am and we stopped for a leg stretch and some snacks.
    4 pm found us a bit delirious, me with a numb butt and an aching back, Emma uncomfortable and lacking any good conversation.  So we stopped.  We gave into our needs and ate a Huddle House, only 3 hours from our final destination.
    7:40 pm greeted us with screams of delight, kids running without shoes on and me halfway parking on the grass just to get out and receive tons of hugs and squeals.

Unloading the car, decorating Eggs, learning how to cheat at bananas, back massages and laughter wrapped up our first day of our grand adventure together, just the two of us plus a few more.

putting it out there

It isn't often that I let my emotions show, that I go beyond my comfort level and share a bit of extra feeling. I haven't been feeling me at all lately. A whole lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions, all girlie stuff, has been floating around in my head. Typically I run for a few days and it clears up, aligns itself in the correctly labeled folder inside the ever growing cabinet of my brain. Why is it then that this time around that doesn't seem to be working? I've felt the need to blog more, run more, love more, feel more, care more. I can't seem to get enough 'I love you' to the people I care about and from the people who choose to care for me. But it just does not feel as though it is enough. I feel halfway there, to a completeness that is just out of my reach and no matter what I do, I just can't find the right way to put the rest in line.
I think and this is where I get nervous, is it because I have allowed someone to come into my life, to share with decisions, the every day part of my life, because I allow him to love me and my daughter. But why is it then when he takes that next step into my inner circle I take so many more steps backward? A new door stands in the place of where he thought I would be when he stepped in/ Why am I so scared to be in a fully committed, decision making sharing relationship? I would rather be a little bit hurt than all the way happy. I won't allow myself to be happy because then that means I am no longer punishing myself for my sins and transgressions of my past. It would mean I am over my past and trying to fix something that was broken when it started. If I give him the keys to all the doors, then I find myself with nothing to block when he hurts me. I play the big tough single, independent female who can conquer life all by myself all on my own, but at the end of the day I hide the happiness I want so desperately with a smile and tough shoulders to carry it all.

worrisome mom

The battle I fight as a mom is something completely different than the battle I fight as a woman. I still feel the tension of fights to come and battles to wage even though the outcome is no longer in my control. I try so hard, every single day, to do the right thing for you, Emma, and thankfully you don't realize there is a fight going on surrounding you. I try, so hard, every single day, to keep you safe, to keep you thinking as a 5 1/2 year old little girl is to think, to play only as kindergarten children know how. I also know that you realize there is a tension that surrounds you and you also have the smarts to know the tension is a direct correlation to you and to me.
Soon, my little girl, this fight will be over yet no one will have won. I only pray your life will be a bit easier; hope you will be the little 5 1/2 year old girl who gets to be 5 1/2, where your toughest decisions for the day will be what to have for breakfast or who to sit with for lunch or what color marker you choose to start off your picture. Life won't always be this easy, choices are not so black and white; for now little one, your mommy will keep you safe or die trying.
I told you tonight, I have you walk in front of me so I can always see you; you pointed out that when I'm not behind you, I can't see you. A simple statement like that holds so much more meaning for me than you. But you, my precious little girl, you know it's as simple as that, I can't see you if I am not behind you. NO matter what, no matter where you are in life, my little girl, I will always be behind you, and yes you will always be my little girl.

Stay at Home

If I had my own way, and I don't, I would be a stay at home mom with at least 4 children to raise where I am their main parental contact and guide. In the case of life that has been given to me, instead I work a full time job and a part time job and my daughter and I live home with my mom and brother and 2 cats.

I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.

Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.

Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.

Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.

Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.

Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.

Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.

End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.