I've had a very successful and happy childhood. My parents made sure I was able to try any sport I was interested in, from soccer to softball (where a rogue bat landed in my stomach) to lacrosse. All along the way I danced. The most amazing feeling I've ever had, to this day, is the feeling of slipping on my tap shoes and the anticipation of hearing the simple noise that comes with walking across the floor in preparation to tap. I never made it to Julliard but that was never my goal. I was happy, completely and implicitly happy when I was dancing. It was never a competition, just a challenge to conquer the next step. The sports were a secondary test to see if anything ever came a close second. I found running my junior year of high school all because of a few close friends. The feeling is completely different but the accomplishment is the same, I can do it. I can pass mile marker 3, then 4 then 5.
So fabulous me who has figured out just how to make me happy can't seem to figure out how to keep someone who makes me happy. It's as though I don't allow the outside to come help add the cheer and smile I know I can instantly produce. Is it lack of trust? Is it fear of failure? Is it the inability to know what will happen in the future? I know when I run, it may not be one of my best runs, but I did it, me and only me.
I met the man I thought I would marry in high school, turns out I was wrong. Then I met the man who 'took me from me' and that pretty much sucked the entire life out of me. Next up a great guy who would never measure up. Between those two was someone I thought would be my knight in shining armor but it turned out he was just a manipulative deceiver. As of late, I have finally fixed myself from losing myself and did meet the man of my dreams; sadly I couldn't be what he needed. Let me be completely honest, I wasn't what he wanted. Here meet the present tense. I've met someone amazing, there is no pretense, no dramatics, and no chance.
So I wonder, is it me that is completely unattainable as I continue to travel down the path of the nevers, making sure that only I am the one who has control over my happiness. I'm in control of me all of the time; I want so much and give so little. It's the fear of losing control and it's what makes me susceptible to lovely small time frames, blips of life that will never continue. Tonight my thoughts are wandering in the present tense and wonder the what if's but know deep down those what if's are exactly that.
