Isn't that the truth? For every sad moment that hurts to the core, I always think everything is going to be fine. And it always is. Life goes on. The hurt lessens, the pain weakens and I heal. It has been well over the extended length of time that I want to let my past control me but here I lay, typing with a pillow underneath me, watching 27 Dresses and wishing to just be able to let go and be me. I want to be me, the me I pretend to be each day to everyone who can't see the tears behind my smile.
I hurt inside and I refuse to trust, refuse to let anyone in because if I do, then I have given myself away with the inability to take back what might possibly be broken. I am learning to ask for help, I am learning to not be a 'yes' girl and I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I am positive and I smile, but I smile and laugh because it's what is always expected of me. When will be the time that I choose for myself to do what I expect of myself? Why is it I don't feel I deserve to be happy? I punish myself each day for a poor choice on one night in a blip of my life. This choice has forever changed any plans I thought I had for life. But did it really? Did this one split second decision actually allow for me to be set on the correct course He has chosen for me to follow? Am I actually doing it right?
I think the unknown is what scares me. An ugliness turned out to produce an amazing miracle that surprises and wows me each day. A bit of anger leads to hurtful words that can't be taken back. I keep them in but the thoughts are still there, the truth of what I feel is still there, I just keep it inside.
The same is true with my heart. It is so protected, some days I feel like I have draped a dark purple veil over it (purple? not sure why but it's the color i envision) to protect me from any disappointment. Yet what is life without disappointment? We make our smiles from the edge of sadness. Why is it that I just cannot share what is in my heart? Why do I want to keep myself protected from the unknown when I have no reason to fear anything He has given to me? Life without smiles or life without hurt just isn't life at all. But tonight, I smile through my tears knowing tomorrow is a new day, everything will be just fine and I will try all over again to be the person I know I can be.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
its just callled life
It has been so long since i have had the time to sit and blog. And, being here, able to type at 12:13 in the afternoon is a first! Today is July 4Th, the day our country celebrates it's birth. On this day six years ago, I brought my little girl home from the hospital to a new world full of unknowns. Daily we discover what we didn't know the day before. Daily, we handle experiences that I never would have thought could cross my path.
Everyday is a new day to choose just how I will handle what God had given me. Some days the dose is small and others, like today, I look and stare at the current dose and wonder just how am i going to manage that?! Because each day is a new day, and I get to wake up to the life I choose to live, I don't need to wonder what has gone wrong I don't need to wonder how I will fix it, because I trust that I am doing everything in my power to follow God's path and find the righteous way. I may have to make choices I wish I didn't and I may react in a way someone else may not, and I have even been known to jump at something and look back realizing I could have done something else instead. But I know I can't change the past, I know everything happens for a reason, I know that I live my life in the best way that I can. Because of this, I am so deep down happy. I wake up with a smile each morning, place my feet on my rug and thank God I have been blessed with an amazing daughter and an amazing mother to share my morning routine with.
Without trials and tribulations, without the test of wills and patience, without the heartache and the mistrust I would not be able to fully appreciate the life that has been given to me to live and share with those around me. I am a good person who accepts there is evil and bad in my life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. With this bit of poison comes challenge. I used to think that someday, this challenge in my life would get a bit less difficult and it still may; for today I believe it will be one of the biggest challenges I will ever have to face. This makes me such a better person! This challenge makes me appreciate the smaller things in life, somethings so simple anyone else may overlook them.
My life is great and when someone asks, 'How are you doing?', my response may vary with the word choice, but the end point is always the same....'I am amazing, wonderful, great, fabulous, happy, smiling, pleased or accomplished.' I keep the poison down by chasing it with a smile and a happy thought. Rid the body of toxins but keep in mind what it can do to me if I let it fester and consume me.
I am me, single mom, smiling and happy.
Everyday is a new day to choose just how I will handle what God had given me. Some days the dose is small and others, like today, I look and stare at the current dose and wonder just how am i going to manage that?! Because each day is a new day, and I get to wake up to the life I choose to live, I don't need to wonder what has gone wrong I don't need to wonder how I will fix it, because I trust that I am doing everything in my power to follow God's path and find the righteous way. I may have to make choices I wish I didn't and I may react in a way someone else may not, and I have even been known to jump at something and look back realizing I could have done something else instead. But I know I can't change the past, I know everything happens for a reason, I know that I live my life in the best way that I can. Because of this, I am so deep down happy. I wake up with a smile each morning, place my feet on my rug and thank God I have been blessed with an amazing daughter and an amazing mother to share my morning routine with.
Without trials and tribulations, without the test of wills and patience, without the heartache and the mistrust I would not be able to fully appreciate the life that has been given to me to live and share with those around me. I am a good person who accepts there is evil and bad in my life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. With this bit of poison comes challenge. I used to think that someday, this challenge in my life would get a bit less difficult and it still may; for today I believe it will be one of the biggest challenges I will ever have to face. This makes me such a better person! This challenge makes me appreciate the smaller things in life, somethings so simple anyone else may overlook them.
My life is great and when someone asks, 'How are you doing?', my response may vary with the word choice, but the end point is always the same....'I am amazing, wonderful, great, fabulous, happy, smiling, pleased or accomplished.' I keep the poison down by chasing it with a smile and a happy thought. Rid the body of toxins but keep in mind what it can do to me if I let it fester and consume me.
I am me, single mom, smiling and happy.
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