It doesn't always show, only those who really know what is underneath the smile can see the truth behind it. Good days are great days and sad days are good days. No matter what the day brings, my feet land on the floor, usually the right than the left (because i sleep on the left side of the bed) and I enjoy each morning as though it is the first in my days ahead. I have been reading the Anne of Green Gables stories, and in Anne of Windy Poplars she meets little Elizabeth, who is living in 'today' and knows 'tomorrow' is just around the corner and is looking forward to when each day is in 'tomorrow'. I feel that way lately, more so than i usually do. I feel as though 'today' is just a resting point for me to gather my bearings, find out where He is trying to guide my life. But often in 'today' I find myself daydreaming of 'tomorrow'. Every single thing happens for a reason, I live by that mantra, but sometimes not knowing just what will happen with the choices I make, those choices that involve my daughter, make me fret, make me nervous, make me stress.
How can I plan when I don't know what I am planning for? I have a great friend who says she doesn't plan based on a time frame of life, but on the here and now. She isn't worried about the 'tomorrows' in life, just the 'today'. I don't even think I could be like that! As I have been told, and have already known my entire life, I need to feel in control. Whether this is the first child syndrome or being female, I am unsure; I think it's more about a blend of all that makes me me...but for whatever the reason, my life comes down to the here and now for this very moment. These moments… I cherish them, happily sad, for the guilty fear that it could all fade away when I wake tomorrow then place my feet on the floor. The "what-if's" of my life is what I am so very scared of. I think for the first time, i think I am admitting I am scared of the unknown.
I make great choices when they are simple choices, I choose to work hard each day, I choose to plan for my daughter, try to make her smile each day, make her try something new, but for myself? Oh NO! Stick with what I know, stick with the known and veer away from the unknown. The darkness that surrounds an unknown for me takes my breath away. When the choices come to me, my own personal happiness, I wonder if I am so fearful of the unknown that I am setting myself up for failure each time I do attempt something new. Hurtful actions never completely leave me, they fade into the background of my everyday life, but I carry them as Jesus carried his cross...proudly, head held high, knowing this brings something more than one can ever imagine. I don't say I am Jesus, I just think I can understand his complete acceptance as to who he is and what choices he made through his short life on earth. He was not perfect and neither am I. But at the end of the day, I am just me, an almost single mom trying to do the right thing..first by my daughter, then by me.
But some days, it just feels so much harder than I had ever anticipated. Why is it that I go for things that are challenging and just out of my reach? Why do I go for things that have no end in sight? Is it the challenge? Is it that I still have some of the control? Or is it just that, I am happily sad living my life making choices that are just out of my reach, completely unattainable? Whatever the reason may be, I will wake up each day and smile knowing today I just might be in 'tomorrow'.
