runner in training

Emma and I had an impromptu home day on Monday.  Since the weather has been so nice out, i have been running outside.  Once we had taken care of all morning chores and did sufficient relaxing, I decided to go for a run and push Emma in the stroller.  Yes, i know she is 4 1/2, but 3 miles for me is huge let alone Emma.  
Dressed in our running gear with the music ready to go, we head out for a run.  It was hard, i never ran and pushed a stroller before and Emma was so happy to feel her having the wind blowing in her face.  Once she was bored of it, she wanted to run with me.  After about 30 seconds of running we stopped, took a break and found some nice rocks....did another run, stopped again played some pooh sticks in the stream...ran again...stopped, pet the horses and ran one last time.  All said and done I ran over 3 miles, but it took us over an hour.  So my run turned into a nice afternoon workout.
After religion class last night, on our way home Emma asked me where i was going and I told
her the gym to run. She tells me she wants to run again because her arms
and legs are not as skinny as when she woke up from her nap (the other day)
meaning Tuesday when i picked her up from school...   we had this long conversation about how she had noticed when she woke up from nap, her arms and legs were 'much skinnier' than when she lay down to take her nap. I asked Emma why she thought that was and she said it was from all the running she did on our home day silly.  I mean what was i thinking????
Anyway...long story short, Emma had asked me when we could run again and see the horses since the horses were out on our run. So apparently, I now have a new running partner (and a stroller and a few carrots and apples to feed the horses) Along the way, we will have some rocks and may play pooh sticks too.

the hardest decision in a while

First, 2 blogs in one night? I am on a roll! I am unsure the proper blog protocol, but considering one blog has nothing to do with the other, it only felt appropriate.
Tonight, in my heart, I know I made one of the hardest decisions in a very long time, and failed miserably. My decision is something that is so hard it hurts but i know its the right thing to do. I prayed on it, did what i felt was right, and was given another option.
Personally, I call it caving and prolonging the enevitable; maybe not. Maybe because I gave with my heart, this will be what i know it can be.
I always want to know the why about everything. Tonight i realize its okay to not know why and smile a sad smile.

If it keeps working

Sunday mornings at 9:30 am you will find me and Emma sitting at St. Henry's in Averill Park, together for about 10 minutes. Once Father calls the young children up to him to they all slowly make their way up to him. Not my Emma. She leaps out of my arms and runs up to see him every single Sunday!
Today my darling little irish daughter, who is the first person up to Father for a good 45 seconds, is proudly displayed her St. Patrick's Day beads from the parade yesterday. Father made a point to admire them and she preens! At 4 1/2 she can preen like a teenager. He then tells Emma and the other children, because she is the first one up to see him, would she like to carry the book and lead all the children to their teacher? Of course she does! It is the ENTIRE reason she wants to go to church! I get her little smile as she passes me by with her hands held high holding the book over her head.

its about learning

I stayed in tonight, my one night every other week that i am not with Emma. In the beginning it was so hard. I would cry and cry knowing she wasn't with me. But as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. And it does. It has taught me i am a better mom for giving Emma the chance to be with her dad. And, it has enabled me to find myself, who I am and who I want to be.
Tonight, with a glass of wine, some corn dip and comfy clothing, i watched 'Nights in Rodanthe' and I cried. I hurt for the pain of losing someone who has given themselves so completely to someone else that mourning is brought to a level i hope i will never have to bear witness to.
I learned more about me tonight.
I learned I will hold out.
I learned I want someone to love me so much it hurts in the way that it feels good.
I learned I won't go back.
I learned I am strong enough to be home, alone, without Emma and cry not because she isn't with me, but because I watched a good movie that touched my soul and made me feel things I haven't allowed myself to feel in a long time.
I learned I can still love.

choices

Every day whether I am conscious of it or not, I am making choices that will affect my life. It could be my life in a few minutes, a few hours, or a few years. Regardless of when that decision has an impact on my life, I have to make a choice. Something as simple as what to wear on any given day, yes as simple as that has an impact.
Bigger choices... making the detrimental phone call that changed everything, ... letting go and saying, God I trust in you. It all melts into one thing, my life. I am strong but I am so sad. I am working on me and making better choices each day that I can only hope and pray are the choices God too is hoping I make.

watchful

I am very watchful of who has the privlege to meet my daughter. About 95% of the people are female. On the off chance i run into a male friend or acquaintance, i have never bothered to introduce Emma. But now, she is 4 and 1/2 and asking questions about everything and everyone.
Funny story, we were in church on a Sunday morning and she asked in her not so whisper voice why the old guy next to us had a tank. I quietly explained it helped him breathe and he was not necessarily old, just older than her. But seriously who am I kidding? She is 4 and 1/2 and he had to be almost 75...to her he is OLD! She thinks I am old...even though i tell her I am still just a kid. Lucky for me, and unlucky for me Emma picks up on everything.
Back to introductions. When exactly is it okay to have her know who i run into at the grocery store?
And, if i am thinking about quite possibly finding someone of the opposite sex attractive, (ha like that is going to happen in the next 5 years!) what is protocol for the meet? How would I even think about going about it? Lets face it..i haven't had a date in over 6 years! What in the world do I even know about dating? What is the protocol for a single mom to date? I think that is the best question yet!
Okay, so i know the basics, if i feel good, i look good. Like Stephanie says, a glass of wine to take off the edge...but still. The nerves are already rising just thinking about this!
But there is a guy and i do think he is cute...and once i get beyond the nerves...its more than one sorry Steph...i think he is a nice guy. But i am so jaded. No, not jaded..just hurt and mistrustful. Saddened by the fact that I did not find happily ever after with the man who made the promise. When exactly will i get past those feelings? Then the extra bonus the total mistrust? The lack of faith in the opposite sex? The feeling that no matter what he says or what he does, he has an alterior motive.
He thinks he is my rebound..i say rebound to what a crappy 2 years? Hello! Yes you are!! Oh, here comes another one...what exactly is a rebound relationship? Why is it called a rebound? Oh the questions and thankfully oh the therapy. :)
When do i draw the line in the sand and say should i cross this?

a work in progress

So, just like me, this blog is a work in progress. Left alone, nothing happens. focus for just a while and so much can flourish. I am so amazed at just how quickly time has past since i began this blogging adventure...yet only to have it be put immediately on hold. I guess that is kind of how i am feeling. I get to working on me, but get busy with life and i am put on hold by me!

Today is different though. I went to a 40th birthday celebration last night where my friend threw her party for herself. What a great idea! All around her apartment are motivational quotes and thoughts. She has surrounded herself by feel good people to celebrate life has happiness in the here and now. I am taking a little bit with me and working on me, again and my blog, again and celebrating the here and now.

So far, i am loving the 'new me'. The new, powerful, mindful, spiritual and happy woman that i know i can be. I am learning how to love me and in return learning how to show others just how special i can be. Being single and a mom is tough, but i am doing a pretty darn good job of it. I am fixing what was broken and moving on to find new pieces to add to my already growing collection of things i love about me.