After having a confusing emotional week, I have rounded the week with a great time tonight. But I have now such emotional confusion. Its funny because I am such a big fan of reading my horoscope daily and have found a strange and particular connection with what has been the astrological signs for the week. I have been uncomfortable all week, on edge and feeling severely anxious with a fear of the unknown. This feeling has not been replicated in well over a year. I am led to believe this feeling is a precursor to things of change.
Tonight I was given a multitude of opportunities and did not follow through on any of them. I feel as though I am at such crossroads right now and am so hesitant to make the next decision. Choices are always difficult, but when coming to a potential end and a new beginning, I seem to freeze.
Without change, there is not freedom, without hope there is not wisdom, without freedom there is not change. The choice is never easy, but the ability to have the thoughts to make that choice begins with the freedom to begin anew.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
friday nights
Tonight is an unusual night for me. I can be found spending some serious relaxing time with Emma after a long week, cooking dinner, maybe a night at the Y and a swim in the pool. Tonight though was different for so many reasons. Mainly, I did not spend the evening with Emma. I took a night, to myself to do with it, whatever I chose. And choose I did. An after work gathering of friends, some old, some work, and some newly made turned out to make an eclectic group of people who, altogether had a blast with one another.
I planned on staying quiet, which isn't hard in a group of people I don't know, but what surprised me, the energy felt tonight. It was as though there was something hidden in me i didn't know I had buried. I left tonight wondering for more, looking toward the future and having anticipation I didn't realize still could exist. If this is actually a feeling I could potentially have again isn't it worth having, or is it just easier to let it fall to the wayside and enjoy that one moment instead of wondering for more?
I planned on staying quiet, which isn't hard in a group of people I don't know, but what surprised me, the energy felt tonight. It was as though there was something hidden in me i didn't know I had buried. I left tonight wondering for more, looking toward the future and having anticipation I didn't realize still could exist. If this is actually a feeling I could potentially have again isn't it worth having, or is it just easier to let it fall to the wayside and enjoy that one moment instead of wondering for more?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
acceptance
Have you ever had one of those amazing weekends where Sunday night comes to an end and your still awake replaying every moment in your mind? That is pretty much how my night has played out for the past hour or so. I should be exhausted, and I am, daylight savings should right now be kicking my butt, yet it's not, and I am still up. I am playing in my mind the entire weekend's events beginning with Thursday night.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.
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