After having a confusing emotional week, I have rounded the week with a great time tonight. But I have now such emotional confusion. Its funny because I am such a big fan of reading my horoscope daily and have found a strange and particular connection with what has been the astrological signs for the week. I have been uncomfortable all week, on edge and feeling severely anxious with a fear of the unknown. This feeling has not been replicated in well over a year. I am led to believe this feeling is a precursor to things of change.
Tonight I was given a multitude of opportunities and did not follow through on any of them. I feel as though I am at such crossroads right now and am so hesitant to make the next decision. Choices are always difficult, but when coming to a potential end and a new beginning, I seem to freeze.
Without change, there is not freedom, without hope there is not wisdom, without freedom there is not change. The choice is never easy, but the ability to have the thoughts to make that choice begins with the freedom to begin anew.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
friday nights
Tonight is an unusual night for me. I can be found spending some serious relaxing time with Emma after a long week, cooking dinner, maybe a night at the Y and a swim in the pool. Tonight though was different for so many reasons. Mainly, I did not spend the evening with Emma. I took a night, to myself to do with it, whatever I chose. And choose I did. An after work gathering of friends, some old, some work, and some newly made turned out to make an eclectic group of people who, altogether had a blast with one another.
I planned on staying quiet, which isn't hard in a group of people I don't know, but what surprised me, the energy felt tonight. It was as though there was something hidden in me i didn't know I had buried. I left tonight wondering for more, looking toward the future and having anticipation I didn't realize still could exist. If this is actually a feeling I could potentially have again isn't it worth having, or is it just easier to let it fall to the wayside and enjoy that one moment instead of wondering for more?
I planned on staying quiet, which isn't hard in a group of people I don't know, but what surprised me, the energy felt tonight. It was as though there was something hidden in me i didn't know I had buried. I left tonight wondering for more, looking toward the future and having anticipation I didn't realize still could exist. If this is actually a feeling I could potentially have again isn't it worth having, or is it just easier to let it fall to the wayside and enjoy that one moment instead of wondering for more?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
acceptance
Have you ever had one of those amazing weekends where Sunday night comes to an end and your still awake replaying every moment in your mind? That is pretty much how my night has played out for the past hour or so. I should be exhausted, and I am, daylight savings should right now be kicking my butt, yet it's not, and I am still up. I am playing in my mind the entire weekend's events beginning with Thursday night.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
giving it your all
Each day I wake up, regretfully leaving my warm cozy bed in my warm cozy existence in dreamland and choose to give it my all to whatever the day may hand over to me. Over the past year I have been taking my life step by step, decision by decision and I have noticed what may seem obvious to most looking in...those individual steps and decisions make a larger more deeply impacted result on my life. This in turn has an impact on those who surround me.
Relationships are tough and require work, whether its with a family member, a coworker or a lover. I have taken many steps in the right direction toward healing myself and being as completely honest as i can allow myself to those I choose to surround myself with. What I noticed recently is that I have been keeping everyone at a nice safe distance from my personal life. Sure, I share thoughts and feelings and my time but at the end of the day I am on my own.
If I leave tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I won't be heartbroken. And to be honest, I have no idea how to fix it. I have created a gap between me and the world and right now it is so dangerous for me to cross it. I have been feeling so unsettled lately, so not myself and I can't explain it. Instead I run and I don't feel much better emotionally but at least I have exhausted my body to the point where the thoughts I did have are pushed aside by those of muscles screaming at me.
I'm sure my therapist would be having a field day with me right now, but the truth is I can't afford her, so instead I journal and blog. I am not sure I will ever be completely healed, but I am also not sure I want to be healed. I am so scared to see the world as it could be with me a part of it.
Relationships are tough and require work, whether its with a family member, a coworker or a lover. I have taken many steps in the right direction toward healing myself and being as completely honest as i can allow myself to those I choose to surround myself with. What I noticed recently is that I have been keeping everyone at a nice safe distance from my personal life. Sure, I share thoughts and feelings and my time but at the end of the day I am on my own.
If I leave tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I won't be heartbroken. And to be honest, I have no idea how to fix it. I have created a gap between me and the world and right now it is so dangerous for me to cross it. I have been feeling so unsettled lately, so not myself and I can't explain it. Instead I run and I don't feel much better emotionally but at least I have exhausted my body to the point where the thoughts I did have are pushed aside by those of muscles screaming at me.
I'm sure my therapist would be having a field day with me right now, but the truth is I can't afford her, so instead I journal and blog. I am not sure I will ever be completely healed, but I am also not sure I want to be healed. I am so scared to see the world as it could be with me a part of it.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Stay at Home
If I had my own way, and I don't, I would be a stay at home mom with at least 4 children to raise where I am their main parental contact and guide. In the case of life that has been given to me, instead I work a full time job and a part time job and my daughter and I live home with my mom and brother and 2 cats.
I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.
Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.
Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.
Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.
Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.
Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.
Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.
End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.
I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.
Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.
Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.
Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.
Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.
Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.
Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.
End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.
Friday, August 28, 2009
final decision
It's always hard when thoughts are rolling around and I can't seem to make sense even when its all i can do to try and focus on them. All of a sudden, one seemingly insignficant event occurs and those thoughts come tumbling together making a startingly clear reality. Now i find myself looking back wondering exactly how long I have been thinking these misconstrued thoughts.
It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.
I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?
It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.
I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
the corner around the bend
Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.
Friday, July 3, 2009
waiting on the clock
As females, we always seem to be waiting. whether it's in line at the grocery store, waiting for the clock to turn to 4pm so i can leave work and see my little one...or on the off chance i have plans, waiting on him. why do we care? why are we so in tune with a clock that no matter what time of day it is we always seem to be waiting?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
my little girl
To Emma,
You have turned 5 years old today. This afternoon is your offical 5th birthday. You now have the ability to display all 5 fingers whenever anyone asks you just how old you are. My precious little girl. How quickly time has flown. I can remember the 2 days prior to given birth to you like it was yesterday. How long those days seem to take and how quickly these 5 years seem to have gone past me. If not for the realization that you are also going to kindergarten at Holy Spirit and the first monthly payment I have already made, i don't think reality would have offically set in.
Emma, you are the most precious child i have ever met. You are so smart, witty and fun. I laugh with you, at you, at my reactions to you every single day. The moments with you are just as wonderful today as they were yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't be the mom i am today.
Guess what? Chicken butt! Its so silly, it has no meaning but it makes the both of us smile every single time we hear it. Just remember, and you do, don't say that at school!
At the most, I have had to ask you 8 times to get dressed in the morning, at the least, I got out of the shower to find you dressed and ready to go.
You hear a fun dancing song on the radio, in the car on 'mommy's running music' or the music in the pool at the Y, even on one of your own cd's and you will dance. Regardless of where we are, no matter..sitting, standing, swimming or buckled in you will dance. If i ever had to say something of you, Emma you dance and you smile the entire time you do it.
This is your birthday week. Yes, I said week because no matter how old you become, it took us a good week to decide we were better apart from one another than together. And although you are only 5 right now, you are awesome with me, but you are even better on your own. Emma, you will go far, you will do great things and you will touch people in ways that will constantly amaze me. I know at school today you had to 'share' your day with the last person you would ever want to share it with, but you whispered to me you didn't want to share but you would and yes Emma, you did. You share with the patience of an adult and the bounancy of a child.
I love you with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without you as my child. No matter how hard our life together may get, no matter how easy it may become at times, we can say we did it together and we are champions together.
Emma, my life was built to take care of you and I promise you, I will do everything I can in my power to keep you safe. I will pick you back up if you fall. I am your mom today, yesterday and forever.
You have turned 5 years old today. This afternoon is your offical 5th birthday. You now have the ability to display all 5 fingers whenever anyone asks you just how old you are. My precious little girl. How quickly time has flown. I can remember the 2 days prior to given birth to you like it was yesterday. How long those days seem to take and how quickly these 5 years seem to have gone past me. If not for the realization that you are also going to kindergarten at Holy Spirit and the first monthly payment I have already made, i don't think reality would have offically set in.
Emma, you are the most precious child i have ever met. You are so smart, witty and fun. I laugh with you, at you, at my reactions to you every single day. The moments with you are just as wonderful today as they were yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't be the mom i am today.
Guess what? Chicken butt! Its so silly, it has no meaning but it makes the both of us smile every single time we hear it. Just remember, and you do, don't say that at school!
At the most, I have had to ask you 8 times to get dressed in the morning, at the least, I got out of the shower to find you dressed and ready to go.
You hear a fun dancing song on the radio, in the car on 'mommy's running music' or the music in the pool at the Y, even on one of your own cd's and you will dance. Regardless of where we are, no matter..sitting, standing, swimming or buckled in you will dance. If i ever had to say something of you, Emma you dance and you smile the entire time you do it.
This is your birthday week. Yes, I said week because no matter how old you become, it took us a good week to decide we were better apart from one another than together. And although you are only 5 right now, you are awesome with me, but you are even better on your own. Emma, you will go far, you will do great things and you will touch people in ways that will constantly amaze me. I know at school today you had to 'share' your day with the last person you would ever want to share it with, but you whispered to me you didn't want to share but you would and yes Emma, you did. You share with the patience of an adult and the bounancy of a child.
I love you with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without you as my child. No matter how hard our life together may get, no matter how easy it may become at times, we can say we did it together and we are champions together.
Emma, my life was built to take care of you and I promise you, I will do everything I can in my power to keep you safe. I will pick you back up if you fall. I am your mom today, yesterday and forever.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
the 'us' defination
I sit here typing listening to pandora..after a night of potential plans fall apart and we end up together, i listen to Kenny Chesney, anything but mine. And how fitting is that? I am anything but yours, but i still feel so connected. for the rest of my life, i am anything but yours..anything but not yours.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
Friday, May 29, 2009
sadness is a part of life
You say you want to talk. Finally, after all this time, after we both agreed we are better apart than together do you decide that you have something to tell me?
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
the fitting
Emma and I went for her uniform fitting this afternoon after pre-school. Attending kindergarten is not a surprise to her. We had signed up back in January and on a regular basis the topic is brought up. Today though, trying on the uniform, the actual thought of kindergarten had my little one and me in tears. I was on my knees attempting to console a very inconsolable 4 1/2 year old little girl in a plaid jumper.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the past
It has been a while since i have blogged. I want to say sorry for that. So much has happen in the past 2 months and i will be catching up. But, in case you were wondering, life is okay. I am happy and emma is still doing awesome. I have a boyfriend who treats me well and he is hot!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
runner in training
Emma and I had an impromptu home day on Monday. Since the weather has been so nice out, i have been running outside. Once we had taken care of all morning chores and did sufficient relaxing, I decided to go for a run and push Emma in the stroller. Yes, i know she is 4 1/2, but 3 miles for me is huge let alone Emma.
Dressed in our running gear with the music ready to go, we head out for a run. It was hard, i never ran and pushed a stroller before and Emma was so happy to feel her having the wind blowing in her face. Once she was bored of it, she wanted to run with me. After about 30 seconds of running we stopped, took a break and found some nice rocks....did another run, stopped again played some pooh sticks in the stream...ran again...stopped, pet the horses and ran one last time. All said and done I ran over 3 miles, but it took us over an hour. So my run turned into a nice afternoon workout.
After religion class last night, on our way home Emma asked me where i was going and I told
her the gym to run. She tells me she wants to run again because her arms
and legs are not as skinny as when she woke up from her nap (the other day)
meaning Tuesday when i picked her up from school... we had this long conversation about how she had noticed when she woke up from nap, her arms and legs were 'much skinnier' than when she lay down to take her nap. I asked Emma why she thought that was and she said it was from all the running she did on our home day silly. I mean what was i thinking????
Anyway...long story short, Emma had asked me when we could run again and see the horses since the horses were out on our run. So apparently, I now have a new running partner (and a stroller and a few carrots and apples to feed the horses) Along the way, we will have some rocks and may play pooh sticks too.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
the hardest decision in a while
First, 2 blogs in one night? I am on a roll! I am unsure the proper blog protocol, but considering one blog has nothing to do with the other, it only felt appropriate.
Tonight, in my heart, I know I made one of the hardest decisions in a very long time, and failed miserably. My decision is something that is so hard it hurts but i know its the right thing to do. I prayed on it, did what i felt was right, and was given another option.
Personally, I call it caving and prolonging the enevitable; maybe not. Maybe because I gave with my heart, this will be what i know it can be.
I always want to know the why about everything. Tonight i realize its okay to not know why and smile a sad smile.
Tonight, in my heart, I know I made one of the hardest decisions in a very long time, and failed miserably. My decision is something that is so hard it hurts but i know its the right thing to do. I prayed on it, did what i felt was right, and was given another option.
Personally, I call it caving and prolonging the enevitable; maybe not. Maybe because I gave with my heart, this will be what i know it can be.
I always want to know the why about everything. Tonight i realize its okay to not know why and smile a sad smile.
If it keeps working
Sunday mornings at 9:30 am you will find me and Emma sitting at St. Henry's in Averill Park, together for about 10 minutes. Once Father calls the young children up to him to they all slowly make their way up to him. Not my Emma. She leaps out of my arms and runs up to see him every single Sunday!
Today my darling little irish daughter, who is the first person up to Father for a good 45 seconds, is proudly displayed her St. Patrick's Day beads from the parade yesterday. Father made a point to admire them and she preens! At 4 1/2 she can preen like a teenager. He then tells Emma and the other children, because she is the first one up to see him, would she like to carry the book and lead all the children to their teacher? Of course she does! It is the ENTIRE reason she wants to go to church! I get her little smile as she passes me by with her hands held high holding the book over her head.
Today my darling little irish daughter, who is the first person up to Father for a good 45 seconds, is proudly displayed her St. Patrick's Day beads from the parade yesterday. Father made a point to admire them and she preens! At 4 1/2 she can preen like a teenager. He then tells Emma and the other children, because she is the first one up to see him, would she like to carry the book and lead all the children to their teacher? Of course she does! It is the ENTIRE reason she wants to go to church! I get her little smile as she passes me by with her hands held high holding the book over her head.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
its about learning
I stayed in tonight, my one night every other week that i am not with Emma. In the beginning it was so hard. I would cry and cry knowing she wasn't with me. But as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. And it does. It has taught me i am a better mom for giving Emma the chance to be with her dad. And, it has enabled me to find myself, who I am and who I want to be.
Tonight, with a glass of wine, some corn dip and comfy clothing, i watched 'Nights in Rodanthe' and I cried. I hurt for the pain of losing someone who has given themselves so completely to someone else that mourning is brought to a level i hope i will never have to bear witness to.
I learned more about me tonight.
I learned I will hold out.
I learned I want someone to love me so much it hurts in the way that it feels good.
I learned I won't go back.
I learned I am strong enough to be home, alone, without Emma and cry not because she isn't with me, but because I watched a good movie that touched my soul and made me feel things I haven't allowed myself to feel in a long time.
I learned I can still love.
Tonight, with a glass of wine, some corn dip and comfy clothing, i watched 'Nights in Rodanthe' and I cried. I hurt for the pain of losing someone who has given themselves so completely to someone else that mourning is brought to a level i hope i will never have to bear witness to.
I learned more about me tonight.
I learned I will hold out.
I learned I want someone to love me so much it hurts in the way that it feels good.
I learned I won't go back.
I learned I am strong enough to be home, alone, without Emma and cry not because she isn't with me, but because I watched a good movie that touched my soul and made me feel things I haven't allowed myself to feel in a long time.
I learned I can still love.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
choices
Every day whether I am conscious of it or not, I am making choices that will affect my life. It could be my life in a few minutes, a few hours, or a few years. Regardless of when that decision has an impact on my life, I have to make a choice. Something as simple as what to wear on any given day, yes as simple as that has an impact.
Bigger choices... making the detrimental phone call that changed everything, ... letting go and saying, God I trust in you. It all melts into one thing, my life. I am strong but I am so sad. I am working on me and making better choices each day that I can only hope and pray are the choices God too is hoping I make.
Bigger choices... making the detrimental phone call that changed everything, ... letting go and saying, God I trust in you. It all melts into one thing, my life. I am strong but I am so sad. I am working on me and making better choices each day that I can only hope and pray are the choices God too is hoping I make.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
watchful
I am very watchful of who has the privlege to meet my daughter. About 95% of the people are female. On the off chance i run into a male friend or acquaintance, i have never bothered to introduce Emma. But now, she is 4 and 1/2 and asking questions about everything and everyone.
Funny story, we were in church on a Sunday morning and she asked in her not so whisper voice why the old guy next to us had a tank. I quietly explained it helped him breathe and he was not necessarily old, just older than her. But seriously who am I kidding? She is 4 and 1/2 and he had to be almost 75...to her he is OLD! She thinks I am old...even though i tell her I am still just a kid. Lucky for me, and unlucky for me Emma picks up on everything.
Back to introductions. When exactly is it okay to have her know who i run into at the grocery store?
And, if i am thinking about quite possibly finding someone of the opposite sex attractive, (ha like that is going to happen in the next 5 years!) what is protocol for the meet? How would I even think about going about it? Lets face it..i haven't had a date in over 6 years! What in the world do I even know about dating? What is the protocol for a single mom to date? I think that is the best question yet!
Okay, so i know the basics, if i feel good, i look good. Like Stephanie says, a glass of wine to take off the edge...but still. The nerves are already rising just thinking about this!
But there is a guy and i do think he is cute...and once i get beyond the nerves...its more than one sorry Steph...i think he is a nice guy. But i am so jaded. No, not jaded..just hurt and mistrustful. Saddened by the fact that I did not find happily ever after with the man who made the promise. When exactly will i get past those feelings? Then the extra bonus the total mistrust? The lack of faith in the opposite sex? The feeling that no matter what he says or what he does, he has an alterior motive.
He thinks he is my rebound..i say rebound to what a crappy 2 years? Hello! Yes you are!! Oh, here comes another one...what exactly is a rebound relationship? Why is it called a rebound? Oh the questions and thankfully oh the therapy. :)
When do i draw the line in the sand and say should i cross this?
Funny story, we were in church on a Sunday morning and she asked in her not so whisper voice why the old guy next to us had a tank. I quietly explained it helped him breathe and he was not necessarily old, just older than her. But seriously who am I kidding? She is 4 and 1/2 and he had to be almost 75...to her he is OLD! She thinks I am old...even though i tell her I am still just a kid. Lucky for me, and unlucky for me Emma picks up on everything.
Back to introductions. When exactly is it okay to have her know who i run into at the grocery store?
And, if i am thinking about quite possibly finding someone of the opposite sex attractive, (ha like that is going to happen in the next 5 years!) what is protocol for the meet? How would I even think about going about it? Lets face it..i haven't had a date in over 6 years! What in the world do I even know about dating? What is the protocol for a single mom to date? I think that is the best question yet!
Okay, so i know the basics, if i feel good, i look good. Like Stephanie says, a glass of wine to take off the edge...but still. The nerves are already rising just thinking about this!
But there is a guy and i do think he is cute...and once i get beyond the nerves...its more than one sorry Steph...i think he is a nice guy. But i am so jaded. No, not jaded..just hurt and mistrustful. Saddened by the fact that I did not find happily ever after with the man who made the promise. When exactly will i get past those feelings? Then the extra bonus the total mistrust? The lack of faith in the opposite sex? The feeling that no matter what he says or what he does, he has an alterior motive.
He thinks he is my rebound..i say rebound to what a crappy 2 years? Hello! Yes you are!! Oh, here comes another one...what exactly is a rebound relationship? Why is it called a rebound? Oh the questions and thankfully oh the therapy. :)
When do i draw the line in the sand and say should i cross this?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
a work in progress
So, just like me, this blog is a work in progress. Left alone, nothing happens. focus for just a while and so much can flourish. I am so amazed at just how quickly time has past since i began this blogging adventure...yet only to have it be put immediately on hold. I guess that is kind of how i am feeling. I get to working on me, but get busy with life and i am put on hold by me!
Today is different though. I went to a 40th birthday celebration last night where my friend threw her party for herself. What a great idea! All around her apartment are motivational quotes and thoughts. She has surrounded herself by feel good people to celebrate life has happiness in the here and now. I am taking a little bit with me and working on me, again and my blog, again and celebrating the here and now.
So far, i am loving the 'new me'. The new, powerful, mindful, spiritual and happy woman that i know i can be. I am learning how to love me and in return learning how to show others just how special i can be. Being single and a mom is tough, but i am doing a pretty darn good job of it. I am fixing what was broken and moving on to find new pieces to add to my already growing collection of things i love about me.
Today is different though. I went to a 40th birthday celebration last night where my friend threw her party for herself. What a great idea! All around her apartment are motivational quotes and thoughts. She has surrounded herself by feel good people to celebrate life has happiness in the here and now. I am taking a little bit with me and working on me, again and my blog, again and celebrating the here and now.
So far, i am loving the 'new me'. The new, powerful, mindful, spiritual and happy woman that i know i can be. I am learning how to love me and in return learning how to show others just how special i can be. Being single and a mom is tough, but i am doing a pretty darn good job of it. I am fixing what was broken and moving on to find new pieces to add to my already growing collection of things i love about me.
Friday, January 16, 2009
first off the block
Here i am, beginning the blog of my life - day by day and week by week. Single mom on her way to saving the world one help at a time. Can i do this though? Am i strong enough to be able to tough out the problems on my own and give a guiding hand in keeping my little one as happy as she possibly can every single day?
I hope to be here often, relaying the latest tales and creative dramas of me and my fun loving 4 1/2 year old daughter, Emma.
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