idle hands clean

I need time, in one form or another; within that time there are many angles and ticks of the clock.  Whether mentally I need some extra time to think things through, or I just need that extra 8 minutes to make it to work on time...it seems I hardly ever have just idle time.  Tonight I ran for 40 minutes just to give myself some extra time to work though some mental stress.  Sadly (for my brain), my body had other intentions and I felt like I ran one of my better runs in a long time.  By the end of the run I was tired, needing the bathroom and desperately wanting to stretch my feet.  Other than that my thoughts were still jumbling around inside my head, not filing in any particular folder but flying free.

All the way home my mind was running as fast as my feet were earlier and I made the decision to just not think.  Everything happens for a reason and I was figuring since my body told me to run when I wanted to think, and all the way home my mind wouldn't settle on one thought long enough to let it come to fruition, I may as well just let it all go for the night. By the time I was home, I had given up my ambition to think anything further than how I was going to cook my fish (a spray of non-stick cooking spray and garlic).  Since my mind just wouldn't settle, once dinner was done and spelling words with sentences had been made (party like a rock star!) I settled in for the night of random cleaning.  I found my running is better than therapy shirt buried in the bottom of my pajama drawer?! I was able to hang up all the clean clothes and had a load in the dryer before Emma had rinsed the soap out of her hair.

I love my life, I love how I spend it when I've got just me time and tonight, the one thing I have realized is just how little time I have to myself and that although I have thoroughly enjoyed myself tonight with the mindless racing of my brain and the sheer happiness I felt as I hung up clothes and folded a shirt, one at a time, I do not feel complete without sharing that time with someone who understands me.  The me that is happy, the me that is sad, that someone who knows what my facial expressions mean as I am making them.  Tonight, I will fall asleep without the 'sweet dreams' as I give time for someone who didn't ask for it, but I could see it in the eyes.

just around the corner

A long walk down a hallway
it's walls painted white,
trim the color of a rusting swing.
 I follow the tiled floor,
cold and uninviting.
The open door comes into sight.
 A single glimpse shows me
your eyes into the World.
 I don't see you,
 just glimmers of who you are.

phew

It's all done! It's just fine, no worries, no fears, just me. Just being me, and who I am. It's truthful, it's painless, it's so much easier and so much less exhausting than pretending to be someone I'm not. I just wish the world could see me for me and not who I portray myself to be. I'll admit, not very many people get to see me, more weighed down on the scale are the girls than the guys. It is SO easy to play pretend with the men, sorry if this is offensive, but you're so easy to fool, such an easy read. We women see what you want, how you expect us to be and we play the part. You are meaningless, simple-minded beings that think first with the secondary. Women, they know what they want from the moment introductions are made. Regardless of how fake or real we attempt to be, women know deep down whether or not a friend will come of the handshake. I have very few close friends I have shaken hands with, I have hugged and felt their pain, I have cried because I felt the same happiness/sadness she has felt. For the rest, it is what it is, surface superficial fake-ness we smile at one another and hope for some sort of acceptance. If not, you are brushed off and cast in the pool of extras.
The truth will set me free! And it has tonight, in so many ways. I was truthful with a friend I have been dying to be honest with. I understand I may not be viewed as a very good friend right now, but I knew this from the moment of decision making time. Tonight, I fall asleep with a clean slate and a sad resigned attitude that at least it is the truth. It may not be completely understood, but at least the lines are drawn, the hesitation was explained. Another gasp of relief happened tonight without expectations, without hope or without fear. It is the burden of proof I've known, but found reasons to not believe. But again, everything happens for a reason and I will not put myself there. I knew that going into this, but found myself doubting. It's amazing what the proof can do to me!

putting it out there

It isn't often that I let my emotions show, that I go beyond my comfort level and share a bit of extra feeling. I haven't been feeling me at all lately. A whole lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions, all girlie stuff, has been floating around in my head. Typically I run for a few days and it clears up, aligns itself in the correctly labeled folder inside the ever growing cabinet of my brain. Why is it then that this time around that doesn't seem to be working? I've felt the need to blog more, run more, love more, feel more, care more. I can't seem to get enough 'I love you' to the people I care about and from the people who choose to care for me. But it just does not feel as though it is enough. I feel halfway there, to a completeness that is just out of my reach and no matter what I do, I just can't find the right way to put the rest in line.
I think and this is where I get nervous, is it because I have allowed someone to come into my life, to share with decisions, the every day part of my life, because I allow him to love me and my daughter. But why is it then when he takes that next step into my inner circle I take so many more steps backward? A new door stands in the place of where he thought I would be when he stepped in/ Why am I so scared to be in a fully committed, decision making sharing relationship? I would rather be a little bit hurt than all the way happy. I won't allow myself to be happy because then that means I am no longer punishing myself for my sins and transgressions of my past. It would mean I am over my past and trying to fix something that was broken when it started. If I give him the keys to all the doors, then I find myself with nothing to block when he hurts me. I play the big tough single, independent female who can conquer life all by myself all on my own, but at the end of the day I hide the happiness I want so desperately with a smile and tough shoulders to carry it all.

unlike her own

She told the story from her perspective, it was not far from the truth, a kind of dark shade of grey kind of truth. Her voice stayed low so the girl could only hear pieces of the half truth floating toward her. The girl always knew it would happen, as the woman never seemed to hold her tongue for very long; feeling a sense of relief that it was at least being acknowledged, let out a small breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her timing was interesting at best and as a smile played at her lips she remembered being in this very room a year ago with a smile that was only ever for this place, once a week for just over an hour. She melted back into happiness for that moment, remembering what it was like to have someone like that in her life again, someone who just understood with a look, a sigh, a gentle squeeze of a hand.
Tonight the woman was tainting a memory she didn't own; thankfully her voice was low and what she needed to share and attempt to spoil couldn't be done. The girl looked over only to see a quick flash of sadness on the woman's face before it was covered up with anger she wears saved only for this place. A slow sadness crept in before the memory had a chance to finish and right there she knew she could no longer be hurt by the woman knowing she didn't understand. All too suddenly it was time to go, one more hour sifted though as they both watched separately together.