this time of year

The Holidays come whether we want them to or not.  It's a time to accept our family and friends, the good and the bad as a huge part of our lives.  Without family who would I be? Probably someone I don't like all that much.  I am me in due part because of my family.  We may be spread across invisible borders, we may be spread from one ocean to the next, but the love that is felt this holiday season has made me smile from the inside out.  The tears I have shed are of happiness and gratitude.
I have the most amazing mother in the whole world.  We were not always close, but it's time like this where I reflect on just how fantastic of a job she did at raising me and teaching me to respect myself, and now helping me to raise my little girl. I've got morals, I've got expectations of how I should live my life and how others should treat me.  I love my little girl and know my mom loves her just as much as I do. This holiday season i spent quality time with my brother and his wife and thoroughly enjoyed myself.   My little bro, he's amazing! He spent his Christmas with his fiance' out in the middle of a hut over the water with no electricity, just the two of them.  Just an amazing bond the two of them must have created.  Today though, today was special.  I helped to make someone fee loved, cherished and appreciated in the span of two hours.  I listened, laughed, cried and hugged.
Acceptance is huge, just as huge as forgiveness.  I may not approve of everything someone does or says, but accepting them for who they are, making someone smile and reconnecting with a lost soul is such a wonderful feeling.
The holidays are about giving, today I gave a great gift and didn't have to spend a cent to make this gift appear.  Being thoughtful and kind shouldn't have to happen only during the holidays, it should carry through the entire year.  My New Year's last year, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish throughout the year and, with the exception of journaling on a regular basis, I have done them all.  This year, I am making a list of accomplishments again and hope to add one, keep the love throughout the year.  It's going to be difficult, but I have faith in myself and I believe that I am doing all i can do to be the best person I know I am.
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus.  Without you, none of us could have done it!

shared

I have never shared a  link on here, but felt this should be read by anyone who reads my blog:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

it's never the past

Just when I think all is right in my world, a twist gets thrown into what is settling into becoming an overall very good year.  Thinking about it now, my stomach cringes and tears come to my eyes, again.  Tonight I cried so hard and sobbed so loud my daughter heard and continued to ask me if I was okay.  I haven't cried those painful tears in such a long time, I really had thought they were buried in my past.  Today I realized, it will never go away.  No matter how much I pray, one decision for the rest of my life is a mark on my soul like a birthmark i wear as my own.  I chose to mark my soul, so forever I will carry my burden.  I will not beg to lighten my load, only those who are weak ask for help.  Instead, tonight, I will let my tears fall and revel in the pain I thought I had overcome.  Tomorrow I will hold my head strong and I will begin my fight again, only as a true warrior knows how.
There are very few times I have shown my daughter I am weak.  She knows it is okay to cry, to talk about our emotions, but to see and hear me break down and let the sobs wrack me to the core... it's just not something I do.  Some say the only true way to be a parent is to show your child you are weak and human.  I agree, but tonight was not a lesson in weakness, tonight was a lesson in just being tired.  When something has been accomplished, we file it away and although it's put into it's proper place, its memory lingers, to bring that memory quickly and sharply to the forefront when already I am surrounded by sadness and pain, the ache comes back full force.
In my gut I feel what I can only describe as a bad idea...very bad ideas seem to surround me with this.  For the first time in my life, I have seen the poison in its clearest form and when all I want to do is run from it, I instead must figure out the antidote because I've already drank it.

practically imperfect in every way

After a long week of dressing up, putting on the face, the hair, the make up, all my body and mind want to do is put on the comfy clothes, wash off the paint and put on the glasses.  But I don't until I know everyone is gone, the world is behind closed doors and it's just me. To have me, to myself where I can be as imperfect as I want  and no left to judge.  Deep down, I know I shouldn't care what other people think. I have built myself from nothing into something, I have my flaws and I cherish each one as a wounded soldier would cherish battle scars. At the end of the day it isn't enough for me to accept me.  I crave acceptance in a world that is our living Hell.  In a world where child abuse is rampant, where fathers and mothers leave their children behind for their own selfishness, where a woman returns home each night with her child to the man who beat her before they both left for work.  How is it that I crave acceptance knowing I am better than all this?
Without the barriers I set up, without the pain I feel each day over the decisions I make to live the life I have set up, who would I be?  Why is it that I already know the answer but am unwilling to share that with anyone?  I'm told I am naive and trusting, how did I get to be that way?
I won't blame parenting because I think I had two of the most amazing parents in the world. I blame me, I blame my insecurities.  I am imperfect in my eyes so I will continue to smile that smile I get complimented on.  I will run the miles to run away from myself and to get to the nowhere I think is happiness that I am unable achieve.  I will look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see, but I will dress the part that fits for the day I have been given and I will smile.
For fear that a knock may come at the door, to the untrained eye, my kitchen is perfectly clean but the dishes are unwashed in the dishwasher.  My bathroom is germ free, until you see the hair in the drain.  My bedroom is spotless, then you look to the left and see the residue of hairspray I have yet to wash off.  I live my life a step away from perfection. I fear it.  I live it.  It is me, a step away from perfc.

idle hands clean

I need time, in one form or another; within that time there are many angles and ticks of the clock.  Whether mentally I need some extra time to think things through, or I just need that extra 8 minutes to make it to work on time...it seems I hardly ever have just idle time.  Tonight I ran for 40 minutes just to give myself some extra time to work though some mental stress.  Sadly (for my brain), my body had other intentions and I felt like I ran one of my better runs in a long time.  By the end of the run I was tired, needing the bathroom and desperately wanting to stretch my feet.  Other than that my thoughts were still jumbling around inside my head, not filing in any particular folder but flying free.

All the way home my mind was running as fast as my feet were earlier and I made the decision to just not think.  Everything happens for a reason and I was figuring since my body told me to run when I wanted to think, and all the way home my mind wouldn't settle on one thought long enough to let it come to fruition, I may as well just let it all go for the night. By the time I was home, I had given up my ambition to think anything further than how I was going to cook my fish (a spray of non-stick cooking spray and garlic).  Since my mind just wouldn't settle, once dinner was done and spelling words with sentences had been made (party like a rock star!) I settled in for the night of random cleaning.  I found my running is better than therapy shirt buried in the bottom of my pajama drawer?! I was able to hang up all the clean clothes and had a load in the dryer before Emma had rinsed the soap out of her hair.

I love my life, I love how I spend it when I've got just me time and tonight, the one thing I have realized is just how little time I have to myself and that although I have thoroughly enjoyed myself tonight with the mindless racing of my brain and the sheer happiness I felt as I hung up clothes and folded a shirt, one at a time, I do not feel complete without sharing that time with someone who understands me.  The me that is happy, the me that is sad, that someone who knows what my facial expressions mean as I am making them.  Tonight, I will fall asleep without the 'sweet dreams' as I give time for someone who didn't ask for it, but I could see it in the eyes.

just around the corner

A long walk down a hallway
it's walls painted white,
trim the color of a rusting swing.
 I follow the tiled floor,
cold and uninviting.
The open door comes into sight.
 A single glimpse shows me
your eyes into the World.
 I don't see you,
 just glimmers of who you are.

phew

It's all done! It's just fine, no worries, no fears, just me. Just being me, and who I am. It's truthful, it's painless, it's so much easier and so much less exhausting than pretending to be someone I'm not. I just wish the world could see me for me and not who I portray myself to be. I'll admit, not very many people get to see me, more weighed down on the scale are the girls than the guys. It is SO easy to play pretend with the men, sorry if this is offensive, but you're so easy to fool, such an easy read. We women see what you want, how you expect us to be and we play the part. You are meaningless, simple-minded beings that think first with the secondary. Women, they know what they want from the moment introductions are made. Regardless of how fake or real we attempt to be, women know deep down whether or not a friend will come of the handshake. I have very few close friends I have shaken hands with, I have hugged and felt their pain, I have cried because I felt the same happiness/sadness she has felt. For the rest, it is what it is, surface superficial fake-ness we smile at one another and hope for some sort of acceptance. If not, you are brushed off and cast in the pool of extras.
The truth will set me free! And it has tonight, in so many ways. I was truthful with a friend I have been dying to be honest with. I understand I may not be viewed as a very good friend right now, but I knew this from the moment of decision making time. Tonight, I fall asleep with a clean slate and a sad resigned attitude that at least it is the truth. It may not be completely understood, but at least the lines are drawn, the hesitation was explained. Another gasp of relief happened tonight without expectations, without hope or without fear. It is the burden of proof I've known, but found reasons to not believe. But again, everything happens for a reason and I will not put myself there. I knew that going into this, but found myself doubting. It's amazing what the proof can do to me!

putting it out there

It isn't often that I let my emotions show, that I go beyond my comfort level and share a bit of extra feeling. I haven't been feeling me at all lately. A whole lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions, all girlie stuff, has been floating around in my head. Typically I run for a few days and it clears up, aligns itself in the correctly labeled folder inside the ever growing cabinet of my brain. Why is it then that this time around that doesn't seem to be working? I've felt the need to blog more, run more, love more, feel more, care more. I can't seem to get enough 'I love you' to the people I care about and from the people who choose to care for me. But it just does not feel as though it is enough. I feel halfway there, to a completeness that is just out of my reach and no matter what I do, I just can't find the right way to put the rest in line.
I think and this is where I get nervous, is it because I have allowed someone to come into my life, to share with decisions, the every day part of my life, because I allow him to love me and my daughter. But why is it then when he takes that next step into my inner circle I take so many more steps backward? A new door stands in the place of where he thought I would be when he stepped in/ Why am I so scared to be in a fully committed, decision making sharing relationship? I would rather be a little bit hurt than all the way happy. I won't allow myself to be happy because then that means I am no longer punishing myself for my sins and transgressions of my past. It would mean I am over my past and trying to fix something that was broken when it started. If I give him the keys to all the doors, then I find myself with nothing to block when he hurts me. I play the big tough single, independent female who can conquer life all by myself all on my own, but at the end of the day I hide the happiness I want so desperately with a smile and tough shoulders to carry it all.

unlike her own

She told the story from her perspective, it was not far from the truth, a kind of dark shade of grey kind of truth. Her voice stayed low so the girl could only hear pieces of the half truth floating toward her. The girl always knew it would happen, as the woman never seemed to hold her tongue for very long; feeling a sense of relief that it was at least being acknowledged, let out a small breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her timing was interesting at best and as a smile played at her lips she remembered being in this very room a year ago with a smile that was only ever for this place, once a week for just over an hour. She melted back into happiness for that moment, remembering what it was like to have someone like that in her life again, someone who just understood with a look, a sigh, a gentle squeeze of a hand.
Tonight the woman was tainting a memory she didn't own; thankfully her voice was low and what she needed to share and attempt to spoil couldn't be done. The girl looked over only to see a quick flash of sadness on the woman's face before it was covered up with anger she wears saved only for this place. A slow sadness crept in before the memory had a chance to finish and right there she knew she could no longer be hurt by the woman knowing she didn't understand. All too suddenly it was time to go, one more hour sifted though as they both watched separately together.

happily sad or completely unattainable

It doesn't always show, only those who really know what is underneath the smile can see the truth behind it. Good days are great days and sad days are good days. No matter what the day brings, my feet land on the floor, usually the right than the left (because i sleep on the left side of the bed) and I enjoy each morning as though it is the first in my days ahead. I have been reading the Anne of Green Gables stories, and in Anne of Windy Poplars she meets little Elizabeth, who is living in 'today' and knows 'tomorrow' is just around the corner and is looking forward to when each day is in 'tomorrow'. I feel that way lately, more so than i usually do. I feel as though 'today' is just a resting point for me to gather my bearings, find out where He is trying to guide my life. But often in 'today' I find myself daydreaming of 'tomorrow'. Every single thing happens for a reason, I live by that mantra, but sometimes not knowing just what will happen with the choices I make, those choices that involve my daughter, make me fret, make me nervous, make me stress.

How can I plan when I don't know what I am planning for? I have a great friend who says she doesn't plan based on a time frame of life, but on the here and now. She isn't worried about the 'tomorrows' in life, just the 'today'. I don't even think I could be like that! As I have been told, and have already known my entire life, I need to feel in control. Whether this is the first child syndrome or being female, I am unsure; I think it's more about a blend of all that makes me me...but for whatever the reason, my life comes down to the here and now for this very moment. These moments… I cherish them, happily sad, for the guilty fear that it could all fade away when I wake tomorrow then place my feet on the floor. The "what-if's" of my life is what I am so very scared of. I think for the first time, i think I am admitting I am scared of the unknown. I make great choices when they are simple choices, I choose to work hard each day, I choose to plan for my daughter, try to make her smile each day, make her try something new, but for myself? Oh NO! Stick with what I know, stick with the known and veer away from the unknown. The darkness that surrounds an unknown for me takes my breath away. When the choices come to me, my own personal happiness, I wonder if I am so fearful of the unknown that I am setting myself up for failure each time I do attempt something new. Hurtful actions never completely leave me, they fade into the background of my everyday life, but I carry them as Jesus carried his cross...proudly, head held high, knowing this brings something more than one can ever imagine. I don't say I am Jesus, I just think I can understand his complete acceptance as to who he is and what choices he made through his short life on earth. He was not perfect and neither am I. But at the end of the day, I am just me, an almost single mom trying to do the right thing..first by my daughter, then by me.

But some days, it just feels so much harder than I had ever anticipated. Why is it that I go for things that are challenging and just out of my reach? Why do I go for things that have no end in sight? Is it the challenge? Is it that I still have some of the control? Or is it just that, I am happily sad living my life making choices that are just out of my reach, completely unattainable? Whatever the reason may be, I will wake up each day and smile knowing today I just might be in 'tomorrow'.

when it gets difficult...just reach a bit further

She was tired. The effort it took to pretend as though she didn't know who they were, to pretend she didn't care they didn't look her way, to pretend she wasn't cringing on the inside every single time her heart jumped. Then, right as she began to look up there were the boots walking in followed by the flip flops. She knew those boots anywhere, the flip flops were so typically her and why is her heart beats so fast? Can the woman sitting next to her hear that? And just like that the heart calms, the fire starts to burn and her anger once again turns real. Yet just as quickly as the anger fired up, the sadness hit and she realizes once again there isn't anything to cause the angry other than the initial knee-jerk, flight-fight reaction. The decisions have been made without her, never has she not had a say in her own life, but they didn't give her a choice. The tears threaten to fall with lost hope of what could have been, what still could be. Instead, she looks down at the words in the book and counts them just like last week, and the week before, and the year before. A year before was hope and possibility, this day was sad realization and resigned disappointment.
She looks down and laughs at the stupidity. They match, her in the flowing black skirt, teal peasant blouse that seems to flow with her as she moves, she in the simple straight lines of a sleeveless teal shirt and black carpi's with casual black flats. She begins to stare, a bit longer than she's comfortable with but still unwilling to look away, hoping the head will come up from the book that has her so engrossed. But nothing changes, everything stays the same. It's time to go, the little one aches to say hello and wrap her arms around her but knows without a doubt she would be punished. Her eyes ask so many unanswered questions and try to plead for understanding, the older one just looks with knowing sadness but says nothing. Her skirt flows around her legs as she moves on and out in a whirl of perfume that speaks only of her.

She did the unthinkable, she once again reaches for the shelf that she knows she can't reach. But she continues to try as her heart slowly hardens against what she knows will always be just lengths away.

girlfriends

Friendship is a funny thing, I have a few different 'circle's' of friends. There are the girls I chat with every single day, then there are the coworkers I spend 40 plus hours a week with, but only Monday through Friday. Then there are my go to girls, there are only a select few of those. These girls are the special ones in my life who barely know one another, but who know all there is to know about me, when the times get tough or the story is just so special to share, I can go to either of them, even after a year or two years apart and I know they would sit down with me and listen. The best part about these girlfriends is they are also forever friends. I would do anything for them, forever and i know they would do the same for me. I love my forever friends.
My other girlfriends, they were met through someone and when first meeting them you hope for a kindred spirit. But, after a while, I say....ahhh well that would be why I hadn't met her before. I like her, a ton but she just isn't a kindred spirit. She isn't a forever friend. It takes so much time and energy and effort to make and keep a forever friend, I then wonder, is it just me?
Am I just too lazy to attempt at making another forever friend? But then I realized, nope. That is the whole point of making a kindred spirit, the fun that goes into working it and making it that much better of a friendship. So, I am smiling as I type because i know the girls in my life are for me, and with me for a reason. Some may be annoying, some may be selfish, some may be fun, some may be sensitive. But all in all, you add up each bit of an individual's personality and you've got me.

found then lost

I found a kindred spirit, someone completely unexpected, but with one conversation I just knew you understood me, you got what made me click and I understood you in the same way. Found off the beaten path in an area unknown to only those of a similar interest, our daughters. It all started with a smile, and there it began, a friendship of complete understanding without having to say the words. It was simple and easy, it was fun and refreshing, seemingly never having its downs only up and ups. Conversations came easier, daily connections made us smile. The understanding, no hidden meaning, no secrets, just a relaxing friendship.
Swept aside like the dust on the front steps, it ended, completely unexpected. I guess it's the only proper ending, just as it had begun and just the opposite. Taken by surprise, no understanding, hidden meanings only known by the intrepretation of the receiver. Confusion, wondering, but no tears, no sadness. Simply watch it go, like a kite whose line ran out and wasn't connected. Maybe that is how our spirits were, only connected until the string reached it's end.

the smile

It all started with a smile a time or two ago, when it happened isn't important, the smile is all that is matters. Without that smile, they wouldn't be where they are today. She, wondering what it all means, he thinking just how much to share. Her, marveling at the words that seem to escape her through her fingers but nothing seems to make it further. Him watching her reaction, so scared and nervous to open up, knowing if he doesn't now, the chance may be lost forever.
There is a scared fear of the unknown in her eyes, she knows she isn't ready but his eyes plead with her to ignore her gut and trust him. She trusts, oh how she trusts and he just doesn't realize. Her heart aches for who she could be if things were different. She half looks, half makes light conversation all the while, she feels the warmth spreading from deep inside racing faster, burning like a fire trying to get out. Light laughter flows from her, she clears her throat hoping to cover the shock...he shares something so sacred with her. It was something created together, yet to see it as though he gave it a real life and gave it truth, she shivers in her own heat. He is so nervous, the red has crept further and she tries not to notice, to make light of their hearts flipping faster, His nervousness begins to show as he flips if only to do something with his hands other than touch her shoulder, hold her hand behind his back, give her the reassurance that only he seems to understand.
A break in the storm has put her feet back on level ground. She can focus, she can speak, she can think again through the gray of the lines in her mind. He moves through the motions of the break, has a quiet conversation while he watches her as she watches him.
He stands, will she come back to him...she moves closer and laughs but the smile is forced. He has no clue what she thinks, he worries, his smile is gentle and prodding, he pushes and she pushes back, not ready to confront the rush of emotions that completely consumes her. Words are difficult, she resorts back to the ease in which they first conversed but he wants nothing of the fake laughs and smiles.
He cares and she doesn't know how.

a year

A year ago I was stressing, I was worried, I panicked at least once a week
A year ago I cried tears that I didn't think would stop.
A year ago I leaned hard on everyone close to me.
A year ago I thought I may actually have to share a piece of me with someone who didn't want it.
A year ago I realized just how strong I really am.
This past year I found me.
This past year, I cried tears of joy more than I cried tears of sadness.
This past year I allowed myself to share me with someone else.
This past year my heart accepted love.
This past year I gave my love to someone else.
This past year I realized my 6 year old doesn't always need me.
This past year I took a deep breath and realized it is okay.
This year I will accomplish more than even I will think I can.
This year I will love unconditionally.
This year is a year of new beginnings.
This year I smile.

an inner link

I haven't posted since October 23, 2010. And that was the first post listed for me to re-read when i opened an otherwise stagnant blog. I had thoughts to post something completely different, but feelings and emotions came over me so quickly and so hard it seemed impossible to tamper them down with anything other than words.
I have found this blog is more about my past than it is my present. It's my go to when I have no where else to turn. No response is ever needed, I just need to get out what eats me up inside. I hope someday to start something a bit more uplifting, but tonight I realized just how true the title of this blog really is.
I am not sure if it is the past connection of time, or what I have endured; but the pain doesn't ever seem to lessen when I feel its hit. The hits come so infrequently now, when it does happen it seems to root me in it longer, and deeper. I can't fix what is broken. I am not sure if that is exactly why I can't let it go, or if it is just the fact that a connection has been made. Forever. A connection that was broke because one side of the link can't figure out how to repair itself. That link doesn't realize that within itself comes the power and energy to fix what it already knows how. Instead it looks everywhere but inside for the answers.
I am not entitled to anything other than the breath I breathe; yet I push to be accepted into a world I want nothing to do with. I used to think I was a part of the inside; I know now that never was. The hurt isn't any less when I know the truth, it just makes it easier to understand. I used to hate that I hurt; now I just embrace it when it comes and accept those things that I cannot change. My link to forever, my link to something bigger, I cannot accept that it cannot be changed. My understanding doesn't fix a mind that knows only good. My acceptance doesn't quell the pain. I am stronger for those that haven't learned to be able to brush off and accept the hurt and the pain. I smile on the outside, while the inside makes the rain.