I haven't posted since October 23, 2010. And that was the first post listed for me to re-read when i opened an otherwise stagnant blog. I had thoughts to post something completely different, but feelings and emotions came over me so quickly and so hard it seemed impossible to tamper them down with anything other than words.
I have found this blog is more about my past than it is my present. It's my go to when I have no where else to turn. No response is ever needed, I just need to get out what eats me up inside. I hope someday to start something a bit more uplifting, but tonight I realized just how true the title of this blog really is.
I am not sure if it is the past connection of time, or what I have endured; but the pain doesn't ever seem to lessen when I feel its hit. The hits come so infrequently now, when it does happen it seems to root me in it longer, and deeper. I can't fix what is broken. I am not sure if that is exactly why I can't let it go, or if it is just the fact that a connection has been made. Forever. A connection that was broke because one side of the link can't figure out how to repair itself. That link doesn't realize that within itself comes the power and energy to fix what it already knows how. Instead it looks everywhere but inside for the answers.
I am not entitled to anything other than the breath I breathe; yet I push to be accepted into a world I want nothing to do with. I used to think I was a part of the inside; I know now that never was. The hurt isn't any less when I know the truth, it just makes it easier to understand. I used to hate that I hurt; now I just embrace it when it comes and accept those things that I cannot change. My link to forever, my link to something bigger, I cannot accept that it cannot be changed. My understanding doesn't fix a mind that knows only good. My acceptance doesn't quell the pain. I am stronger for those that haven't learned to be able to brush off and accept the hurt and the pain. I smile on the outside, while the inside makes the rain.
