Completely Unattainable

I've had a very successful and happy childhood.  My parents made sure I was able to try any sport I was interested in, from soccer to softball (where a rogue bat landed in my stomach) to lacrosse.  All along the way I danced.  The most amazing feeling I've ever had, to this day, is the feeling of slipping on my tap shoes and the anticipation of hearing the simple noise that comes with walking across the floor in preparation to tap.  I never made it to Julliard but that was never my goal.  I was happy, completely and implicitly happy when I was dancing.  It was never a competition, just a challenge to conquer the next step.  The sports were a secondary test to see if anything ever came a close second.  I found running my junior year of high school all because of a few close friends.  The feeling is completely different but the accomplishment is the same, I can do it. I can pass mile marker 3, then 4 then 5.

So fabulous me who has figured out just how to make me happy can't seem to figure out how to keep someone who makes me happy.  It's as though I don't allow the outside to come help add the cheer and smile I know I can instantly produce.  Is it lack of trust?  Is it fear of failure? Is it the inability to know what will happen in the future?  I know when I run, it may not be one of my best runs, but I did it, me and only me.
I met the man I thought I would marry in high school, turns out I was wrong.  Then I met the man who 'took me from me' and that pretty much sucked the entire life out of me.  Next up a great guy who would never measure up.  Between those two was someone I thought would be my knight in shining armor but it turned out he was just a manipulative deceiver.  As of late, I have finally fixed myself from losing myself  and did meet the man of my dreams; sadly I couldn't be what he needed. Let me be completely honest, I wasn't what he wanted. Here meet the present tense.  I've met someone amazing, there is no pretense, no dramatics, and no chance.

So I wonder, is it me that is completely unattainable as I continue to travel down the path of the nevers, making sure that only I am the one who has control over my happiness.  I'm in control of me all of the time; I want so much and give so little.  It's the fear of losing control and it's what makes me susceptible to lovely small time frames, blips of life that will never continue.  Tonight my thoughts are wandering in the present tense and wonder the what if's but know deep down those what if's are exactly that.

tired of the rain

I haven't felt like posting for a while now.  Life happens, I move on, I move back, I move forward. It's not the life I had planned on, but then again each day doesn't always work out as I had planned.  On my way home the other day, I heard this song and was tempted to pull over just to listen with my whole self.  Seeing as the drive was middle of I-90, I didn't.  Instead of writing how I feel tonight, this song tells it like it is.

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain) - Gary Allen"

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free

a little bit mean

I haven't been feeling myself in a while, I think the weather and all that comes with me losing Summer; the ease of walking outside in the warmth without layers has finally made it's doomsday arrival.  That is the sunshine and rainbows me, the me who thinks lovely little happy thoughts all the time.
This new me, the me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry knows it goes deeper into my self-worth.  I have found I just really don't like me right now.  To be quite honest, I am very disappointed in me and how I've turned out these past 10 years.  Nothing is as I had planned it.  The further I can keep myself from others the better they are but the worse off I feel.

This weekend I had a great opportunity to lounge and enjoy a bit of me time for 8 hours alone!  I had plans but ended up cancelling them due to bad weather and an overall permanent gray cloud hanging around me for the past week.

After a failed attempt to just enjoy a relaxing day, I did some serious internal reflection .  For the first time since it happened, I realized I am still hurt.  After over 16 years I am still hurt by my best friend who just left me as a friend one day.  To this day I have NO  closure from it's happening; when I did see her about 4 years later mid-way through college she looked at me with such hate and detest I left with an apology to the mutual friend.  So, it does explain to me the path I had taken over the course of my friendship years.  I fail to keep anyone close to me, I drop and pick up friends easily, but no one really seems to know the true me.  I thought I was a trustful person but I am not.  To this very moment, I do not trust the people I currently associate with.  All along, I assumed it was them but after this weekend, I know now it is me.

This brings me back to being mean.  In bailing this weekend I was not a great friend, but she understood.  Tonight though, I was awful.  I was mean to my little one, and she took it.  Just stood there and took it.  And i'm not talking being mean just once, I was mean on and off for about an hour.  WHY??????  HOW??? How can i call myself a good parent after that? I did NOT MEAN IT. 

It all came out mean and wrong each time I said something! I apologized after climbing in bed and snuggling up for a good read and some old fashioned mommy love, but the damage is done and other than I'm sorry, there is nothing more I can do.  Oh how I loathe myself right now.  If only I could take it back, instead I write it, to get out the poison that I threw at her with hurtful words and looks.

I feel like a live wire waiting to snap and explode.  I run but it's not enough.  I'm not the happy person I used to be.  I have lost something along the way and I don't know where I left it. 

with heat, rain causes a flourish

I've noticed this summer, so far, is exactly what I have been craving!  Long heat filled, sunny days with hardly any rain and just enough of a breeze to gently move my daughter's hair.  Although my grass is brown and I add water in the pool each night, I have been living in a hazy bliss of happiness.  Until about a week ago I remembered the flowers and the vegetables!  The center garden was beginning to droop and the edges on the bee bombs were curling and turning black.  Thankfully I seemed to have remembered in enough time to prevent anything from dying off due to lack of rain.  I have been watering diligently in the evenings as I listen to the crickets and frogs not too far off, waiting for me to finish so they too can cool off.  And, as luck would have it, the flowers look wonderful and both the tomatoes and pumpkins are thriving!
I've realized, just like the flowers need both the rain and heat, I need some rain to counter my own heat.  For far too long I have created my life to suit my needs, I haven't wilted when life became too hot.  Instead I laced up my shoes and ran.  And though thought provoking, this realization has come at an opportune time in my life.  I have stood up for what I want and what I believe I can achieve in life only to realize I was the only one who was sure in the relationship of heat and rain.  Some may say I was unfair, some may say more time should be given.
Historically, I spent six years! SIX (oh my was my head not in the game back then) long years ignoring my needs and wants to appease someone else, all the while waiting  for the life I thought we wanted to begin.  Once I realized this was a fantasy that was never coming true I had to find the courage to move on.
Then came the most difficult part in my adult life thus far, I was free to figure me out.  This proved to be four long and trying, tear-filled (both stressful and happy) accomplished years.  Happily I can say I am well on my way to knowing what I want out of life.  The path I have chosen seems to be mostly on with His path; sometimes I stray but I do seem to always find my way back.  Today, I'm back on the path; but not without leaving a piece of me with someone who doesn't have the strength just yet to follow what's already inside.

i want to grow old

...with someone who has loved me since the moment he met me.  He will look at me and just know that in 50 years we will be sitting in rocking chairs on our outside wrap around porch, overlooking the acres of land and holding hands.  We will reminisce over all the years we have shared, the good, the bad, the fun, the smiles, the laughter and tears.
I heard tonight, it's an honor to grow old and an even bigger honor to be able to share that with someone else.  I sat back and thought about just how true that is.  My parents were completely head over heels in love with one another and would have made it through all the toughness us children had put them through.  In just a few short months, both would be sitting in their chairs sharing the stories.  Even though my dad isn't here to share that with my mom in the physical aspect, i believe he's here and sharing each joy and tear with her.
Happiness is what you make of it.  Without the day to day happiness shared from the person you love, what is the point in loving? And then, is it love or is it an adjusted behavior toward what is comforting?
Taking the first step into finding out who I am, what I want and how to achieve it is sometimes an overwhelming thought that can take me drifting for hours.
Happiness is grown and cultivated over years of hard work, lots of love and great trust. There is give, there is push and there is agreement.  I've got my opinion on how I want to live my life, I've created the mold and now I've got to find the right mix that will meld together and harden into old and gray on the porch in a rocking chair. Together.

wherever i may be

It doesn't seem to matter what I am doing, yesterday was riding in the car and tonight while making oatmeal cookies, I find my thoughts wandering to you.  where are you?  What are you doing now at this very moment while I am baking?  It's not usually a big thought, but you pop in and out at such completely random times I have a tendency to wonder if it's because you too are randomly thinking of me.  We both know that happens often enough.

I am not resigned, that is not the right word.  I actually loathe the word, tying it to something I would not look forward to doing.  I would say more than anything I am at peace with the decisions I have made in the past few weeks.  The decision to see what my future will hold here, and just hope for the best.  I want the white horse, I want to castle on top of the ocean and the fairy tale ending.  But I am realizing that perhaps I am living in my own fairy tale, looking for my own castle on top of an ocean that only I can see.

it's all about the game

She tried to be nonchalant walking behind her daughter, having her
walk toward the coach to hand back her tag from the previous game she
coached and attempted to walk back toward her blanket.  Oh, but he was
a step ahead of her having her keep it only to take it and place it
around her neck with a knowing smile, following it with the words she
longed but dreaded to hear, you can keep this for the rest of the
season, Coach.

It was an amazing rush to be back on the sidelines, knowing for the
rest of the season she was back as one of them, but not in the lead.
She was able to do it for the fun of it, ignore the parents and let
the head Coach take care of those issues.  The love of the game was
back in her grasp.   Next week, she’ll be prepared, flip flops will be
left in the car, jeans swapped for yoga pants, hat instead of
sunglasses, and her infamous pink watch to guide her throughout the
game.

Day 1 - no small feat

Initially when planning for our Spring Break, I began thinking, what will I do with Emma for the week?  Once things begin to change in my life (without my permission I must add), I made an executive decision to make a huge change in our lives and see where it takes us.  This one decision took me planning for Emma each day to something so simple as stick with me girl, we're headed South  for a while.
4 am Saturday found us venturing into the cold dark morning filled with anticipation that only the two of us know.
 6:07 am found me watching the sunrise as I drove through Jersey with Emma asleep in the back seat.
  10 am and we stopped for a leg stretch and some snacks.
    4 pm found us a bit delirious, me with a numb butt and an aching back, Emma uncomfortable and lacking any good conversation.  So we stopped.  We gave into our needs and ate a Huddle House, only 3 hours from our final destination.
    7:40 pm greeted us with screams of delight, kids running without shoes on and me halfway parking on the grass just to get out and receive tons of hugs and squeals.

Unloading the car, decorating Eggs, learning how to cheat at bananas, back massages and laughter wrapped up our first day of our grand adventure together, just the two of us plus a few more.

a dropped shoe

The shoe dropped, 

she watched it fall, 

heard the snap on the hardwood floor. 

It landed upright,

laces still tied,

and sat there looking up . 

The other shoe never dropped,

 it fell before it making it through the door. 

perfect lyrics - perfect girl

I have not found a better song that fits to explain just exactly how i feel.

Thank you to Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong

In your reverie a perfect girl

Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool

All your expectations bury me

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny

That I can make or break it if I choose

But you take my words and twist them 'round

Til I'm the one who brings you down

Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

You need everybody with you on your side

Know that I am here for you but I hope in time

You'll find yourself alright alone

You'll find yourself with open arms

You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive

I have to take myself away from you

'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try

How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go

Give yourself some time to falter

But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what

And everything will come around in time

prayer

It's a funny thing about prayer, you may just get exactly what you are asking for, literally.  I read a book about a man who asked God over and over to 'just open my heart up' and finally that is exactly what he had happen.  Flat out on the ER table, open heart surgery.  Although my story is not nearly as dramatic as that one, it does come with a similar byline.  Be careful what you pray for because it might just be taken care of for you by the Big Guy himself.
I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened without my diligent words spoken whenever I found the thought crossing my mind.  I am just pointing out the mere coincidence of events that have transpired since I began this little prayer, oh right about that time when things started to change and I don't mean the weather.  I can be candid about this because the realization of knowing the unspoken is such a relief I could only be sad for about 10 minutes.  And I am sure in the time ahead, I will be sadder yet, but for right now I kind of want to marvel in the power of prayer.
I talk to God quite often, but find I save my most worrisome prayers for church and having a few extra bodies with me for Him to see once in a while seemed to add some passion to my prayers!
 A little over a year ago, I had a long heart to heart talk with a good friend of mine whose faith has never wavered since the day she was born.  I was at a confusing part of my life and asked for help, she told me to stop praying for those that won't help themselves and pray for those that don't know how.  There is a difference and I saw that as she was saying it.  So, the next time I would have said my same prayer, I modified it and instantly felt this shift inside me.  I don't necessarily mean I felt God inside of me, but more that I had aligned myself back in the direction I should be in.  (I sometimes tend to wander off the path of life) The prayer flowed so easily from me, and it was so simple!  Almost immediately life began to change around me as if to say, well thanks for noticing and welcome back.  A year later, I say this prayer as often as I ever have and it's more of a reminder to me now than anything.
It's now been a solid 4 months since my new prayer and although I did once again feel that shift in me, it wasn't as nice and pleasant as the one I had felt a year ago.  I think it's because somewhere that something that makes you want to sneeze but then you don't, did a twinge and I knew without a doubt this was a changing prayer.  Although helping people who don't know how to help themselves doesn't always come with a good, warm, fuzzy feeling in the beginning, knowing that in the future life will be better for all involved makes it just a little more bearable.  So tonight, I will be okay, and tomorrow too.  But maybe not the next day or the next week.  If you see me with the lost little look, I'm trying to find my way again on the path of life I've been given.

simplicity

the ease of a smile,
  the simple happiness,
    the way we connect;
    the way they connect,
      the conversation,
        the simplicity of us
 is what makes us, genuine

my heart

I gave you my heart, I gave you all I had to give.  I smiled when you took it and saw the look in your eyes when you let it fall slowly from your grasp.  As I leaned in to catch it you turned and slowly walked away.   It was real for you until you realized, to late, I was willing to give my life to you and you couldn't do the same. I hurt more for you than for me. I've learned to be strong, it's not your time yet.
The beginning was our end, the small smiles never grew for you, even when you pushed for more, you couldn't accept what I was beginning to offer. The half hearted attempts show your resolve crumbling through.
Some days I am not ready to admit what I see; some days I let you fade from sight and allow that bit of sorrow to find me.  For me feeling all the good, all the bad, all the sadness it makes me whole and who I am.  You can't do that, you don't allow yourself to feel.  The advice falls on deaf ears, I cry tears that don't come knowing I've always seen this day as if I was looking backwards through a telescope.
The music plays quietly in the background and I hope you find peace with your struggles.  I truly love you, I will always love you, but not enough to help save you from you.

it's just life

Life happens whether I want it to or not.  Seems the older I get the faster time flies, or maybe it's that I long to hold onto the moments of life for longer.  Some days, which was is up? Some days, wow this was one of the greatest days of my life!  I have learned to treasure each moment has it happens; instead of trying to bottle it up, let it go and enjoy life in the moment rather than wishing to have it happen again.
It's winter and in the past I've been known to be crabby most of the time, waiting for the sun to shine, the air to warm up, and the happiness to flow forth.  I've decided instead this time (and with a bit of help from the mild winter we have had so far) to look at my winter life with a view of relaxed peace and in doing so, have found this winter to be a bit more bearable.  I know I am only here on earth for a short while and am learning to take life each day as it comes, filling it with excitement and having a smile for me and the world.