sadness is a part of life

You say you want to talk. Finally, after all this time, after we both agreed we are better apart than together do you decide that you have something to tell me?
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.

the fitting

Emma and I went for her uniform fitting this afternoon after pre-school. Attending kindergarten is not a surprise to her. We had signed up back in January and on a regular basis the topic is brought up. Today though, trying on the uniform, the actual thought of kindergarten had my little one and me in tears. I was on my knees attempting to console a very inconsolable 4 1/2 year old little girl in a plaid jumper.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.

Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.

the past

It has been a while since i have blogged. I want to say sorry for that. So much has happen in the past 2 months and i will be catching up. But, in case you were wondering, life is okay. I am happy and emma is still doing awesome. I have a boyfriend who treats me well and he is hot!