The battle I fight as a mom is something completely different than the battle I fight as a woman. I still feel the tension of fights to come and battles to wage even though the outcome is no longer in my control. I try so hard, every single day, to do the right thing for you, Emma, and thankfully you don't realize there is a fight going on surrounding you. I try, so hard, every single day, to keep you safe, to keep you thinking as a 5 1/2 year old little girl is to think, to play only as kindergarten children know how. I also know that you realize there is a tension that surrounds you and you also have the smarts to know the tension is a direct correlation to you and to me.
Soon, my little girl, this fight will be over yet no one will have won. I only pray your life will be a bit easier; hope you will be the little 5 1/2 year old girl who gets to be 5 1/2, where your toughest decisions for the day will be what to have for breakfast or who to sit with for lunch or what color marker you choose to start off your picture. Life won't always be this easy, choices are not so black and white; for now little one, your mommy will keep you safe or die trying.
I told you tonight, I have you walk in front of me so I can always see you; you pointed out that when I'm not behind you, I can't see you. A simple statement like that holds so much more meaning for me than you. But you, my precious little girl, you know it's as simple as that, I can't see you if I am not behind you. NO matter what, no matter where you are in life, my little girl, I will always be behind you, and yes you will always be my little girl.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
my little girl
In re-reading some of my latest posts, I have noticed that they are very one sided. Nothing to do with anyone other than myself, my feelings and my thoughts. I am fine with the 'my thoughts' part of the blogs, I am the only one who is writing them, but I am not okay with the 'myself' part. Somewhere in the past few months I have lost the thoughts of my daughter inside my mind and haven't shared them as I so freely share my own trials and tribulations.
My little girl. Emma Marie, or Emma Lou, or lately, Lou. She has the most grandiose ideas and give her and inch she'll make a marathon out of it and not even blink, she'll just look at me with her head tilted sideways and the curls bobbing and wink. At 29, I learned along with Emma, who is 5 and 1/2 as I write this, how to wink. Mine is no where near as nice as her winking, but still we can both do it (just hers better than mine). But I digress on a separate topic all together.
About 3 weeks ago, I had finally decided it was about time for my little girl to sleep through the night, in her own bed, and not wake me just because she rolled over and woke up a little bit. A grand plan had emerged in my mind through the points system. If Emma was able to sleep through the night for 4 out of 7 nights in one week, beginning on Sunday we would have an Emma day. Well...then I decided we would have a bunch of ideas to pick from and I suggested Albany Art Room as her 'prize'.
This is how the rest of the story went:
She was so excited jumping up and down, me thinking the whole time...nice she is this excited about Tye-dying a shirt for less than $8 bucks. When all of a sudden she does an air pump with her fist and says, "I can't wait to go back and paint a puppy for the puppy I made the last time."
"WOAH, what??? Oh no, no, no. That isn't what i said, I didn't say Pottery Place, I said Albany Art Room where you can do Tye-dye."
I then get the head turning sideways, the curls bobbing and the little wink, "but mommy you said I can have an Emma day."
"Yes, Yes I did. Okay lets try this then, 5 days of sleeping through the night?"
"Oh no, you said 4. That's the deal."
So, I was talked out of Albany Art Room and somehow convinced that all along I meant Pottery Place. I wouldn't want the first ceramic puppy that cost me $27 to be all by itself right?? I do, really do want to spend another $27 so these ceramic puppies can be friends, fall in love, and get married. Then we will have to go back and make ceramic puppies!
To close, yes, Emma did sleep 4 nights in a row, but just to be grandiose, she added another night to it making it a total of 5!!!! So, i am sleeping like a champ and at the low price of $27.
My little girl. Emma Marie, or Emma Lou, or lately, Lou. She has the most grandiose ideas and give her and inch she'll make a marathon out of it and not even blink, she'll just look at me with her head tilted sideways and the curls bobbing and wink. At 29, I learned along with Emma, who is 5 and 1/2 as I write this, how to wink. Mine is no where near as nice as her winking, but still we can both do it (just hers better than mine). But I digress on a separate topic all together.
About 3 weeks ago, I had finally decided it was about time for my little girl to sleep through the night, in her own bed, and not wake me just because she rolled over and woke up a little bit. A grand plan had emerged in my mind through the points system. If Emma was able to sleep through the night for 4 out of 7 nights in one week, beginning on Sunday we would have an Emma day. Well...then I decided we would have a bunch of ideas to pick from and I suggested Albany Art Room as her 'prize'.
This is how the rest of the story went:
She was so excited jumping up and down, me thinking the whole time...nice she is this excited about Tye-dying a shirt for less than $8 bucks. When all of a sudden she does an air pump with her fist and says, "I can't wait to go back and paint a puppy for the puppy I made the last time."
"WOAH, what??? Oh no, no, no. That isn't what i said, I didn't say Pottery Place, I said Albany Art Room where you can do Tye-dye."
I then get the head turning sideways, the curls bobbing and the little wink, "but mommy you said I can have an Emma day."
"Yes, Yes I did. Okay lets try this then, 5 days of sleeping through the night?"
"Oh no, you said 4. That's the deal."
So, I was talked out of Albany Art Room and somehow convinced that all along I meant Pottery Place. I wouldn't want the first ceramic puppy that cost me $27 to be all by itself right?? I do, really do want to spend another $27 so these ceramic puppies can be friends, fall in love, and get married. Then we will have to go back and make ceramic puppies!
To close, yes, Emma did sleep 4 nights in a row, but just to be grandiose, she added another night to it making it a total of 5!!!! So, i am sleeping like a champ and at the low price of $27.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
waiting
Why do I set myself up for something so much bigger than what it really is?I’m so much more! At the end of the day I’m left with tears and pride. Pride is so much more important than keeping a person in my life, a person that i know in advance, will hurt. Without moving on, without the grieving process, I am but a pawn in a game. A game I'm not even sure I want to be playing right now. And how fitting the song, ' Consider me Gone ' is playing right now on the radio.
Every single day i know when i wake up I hit the alarm at least 3 times, then i shower. I don't get out of the shower until I have figured at least 2 possible outfits to wear to work. Lately, I have been having a VERY difficult time with this task. I then wake Emma after I am dressed and get her motivated. Long story short..breakfast, car with our daily necessities (coffee!) and off to school and work. Daily. Interrupted, unplanned events and thoughts are exactly what i have a problem with. I am someone who 'needs to know well in advance'. The only downside i see to this is the fact that i am passing the genetics and the teachings down to my daughter. Which in retrospect doesn't seem all that bad.
In my opinion, I have tried my hardest to end a relationship set up and doomed for failure. Yet something keeps us lingering. WHY??? I'll tell you why. It's the comfort zone. Its the known thought that each of you finds solace and relaxation in the other. It is completely friendship driven, mutually agreeable thoughts, and just comfort with the other person. But yet a damn title! Why is it we have to describe ourselves using a title with someone one else? Why do i have to be the employee of, the daughter of, the girlfriend of, the mother of?? I hate it all! I am me, and I love who I have turned into. so if that is the case, why am I still hiding like a secret? that the girl no one wants to hear or accept as the real me? Am i so scared to be me that i may possibly have lost the ability to be me?
I am such a strong woman playing the part i am currently in. I am shutting myself off from those who care about me. and here i thought i needed therapy for this! lol, i still do but can't afford it. Either way, as a coverall, I describe myself as a single mom. forever that is my first title. When will i be okay with adding to that? Why am i so scared to be able to let go? If i could let go, i would let in the thought, the ability and the actions to move forward in my life. I have frozen who i have become to the point that i no longer allow outside influences to hurt me.
I was just sent an email a few weeks ago that says we can only control 10% of our lives. It showed the point that we can control 10% and that is our reaction to the 90%. I share my reactions and hope for the best.
Every single day i know when i wake up I hit the alarm at least 3 times, then i shower. I don't get out of the shower until I have figured at least 2 possible outfits to wear to work. Lately, I have been having a VERY difficult time with this task. I then wake Emma after I am dressed and get her motivated. Long story short..breakfast, car with our daily necessities (coffee!) and off to school and work. Daily. Interrupted, unplanned events and thoughts are exactly what i have a problem with. I am someone who 'needs to know well in advance'. The only downside i see to this is the fact that i am passing the genetics and the teachings down to my daughter. Which in retrospect doesn't seem all that bad.
In my opinion, I have tried my hardest to end a relationship set up and doomed for failure. Yet something keeps us lingering. WHY??? I'll tell you why. It's the comfort zone. Its the known thought that each of you finds solace and relaxation in the other. It is completely friendship driven, mutually agreeable thoughts, and just comfort with the other person. But yet a damn title! Why is it we have to describe ourselves using a title with someone one else? Why do i have to be the employee of, the daughter of, the girlfriend of, the mother of?? I hate it all! I am me, and I love who I have turned into. so if that is the case, why am I still hiding like a secret? that the girl no one wants to hear or accept as the real me? Am i so scared to be me that i may possibly have lost the ability to be me?
I am such a strong woman playing the part i am currently in. I am shutting myself off from those who care about me. and here i thought i needed therapy for this! lol, i still do but can't afford it. Either way, as a coverall, I describe myself as a single mom. forever that is my first title. When will i be okay with adding to that? Why am i so scared to be able to let go? If i could let go, i would let in the thought, the ability and the actions to move forward in my life. I have frozen who i have become to the point that i no longer allow outside influences to hurt me.
I was just sent an email a few weeks ago that says we can only control 10% of our lives. It showed the point that we can control 10% and that is our reaction to the 90%. I share my reactions and hope for the best.
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