someday....

...you will say I'm sorry and this time you will mean it.

...you won't disappoint each and every time as you inevitably do.

...you will say I love you to someone and mean it with your whole heart.

...you will look in the mirror and realize, this just isn't how I want to live my life.

...you will get up in the morning with a smile on your face ready to face a new day with new hope and new great thoughts.

...you won't make me cry.

...you won't make me wish on a star that has already gone out.

...you will look at me and realize it's okay.

...you will decide that you aren't more important than the life you helped to bring into this world.

...you will realize that anger is ugly.

...my heart won't bleed for you to just open your eyes and see what hurt you have caused because you will already be fixing all the broken bridges.

...we will once again be friends.

smiling through the tears

I am told to never look to tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come. But how can I not? I am a planner, I look to the future for guidance in today. Without looking into tomorrow, I cannot know how to react in today. Receiving stressful news relating to someone near and dear to me has my stomach in knots. It seems as though one bad decision in my life will follow me through his bad decisions for the rest of my days. Am I really strong enough to keep up the fight? Why am I constantly being tested with my skill of wills? I love deep enough and I fight hard enough, and most days it is enough. Sadly, today is not one of those days.
I am borderline silent tears that I refuse to let fall, so instead I smile as hard as I can and look into the mirror. From that smiling face and those shining eyes, one lone tear falls from my eye so fast I can't catch it fast enough. But it's enough to make the rest stop, realize it isn't worth it, my tears can't stop it anymore than I can prevent the lone tear from falling. Instead, I sit and I hope for a better tomorrow and smile through my tears.

everything is going to be fine

Isn't that the truth? For every sad moment that hurts to the core, I always think everything is going to be fine. And it always is. Life goes on. The hurt lessens, the pain weakens and I heal. It has been well over the extended length of time that I want to let my past control me but here I lay, typing with a pillow underneath me, watching 27 Dresses and wishing to just be able to let go and be me. I want to be me, the me I pretend to be each day to everyone who can't see the tears behind my smile.
I hurt inside and I refuse to trust, refuse to let anyone in because if I do, then I have given myself away with the inability to take back what might possibly be broken. I am learning to ask for help, I am learning to not be a 'yes' girl and I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I am positive and I smile, but I smile and laugh because it's what is always expected of me. When will be the time that I choose for myself to do what I expect of myself? Why is it I don't feel I deserve to be happy? I punish myself each day for a poor choice on one night in a blip of my life. This choice has forever changed any plans I thought I had for life. But did it really? Did this one split second decision actually allow for me to be set on the correct course He has chosen for me to follow? Am I actually doing it right?
I think the unknown is what scares me. An ugliness turned out to produce an amazing miracle that surprises and wows me each day. A bit of anger leads to hurtful words that can't be taken back. I keep them in but the thoughts are still there, the truth of what I feel is still there, I just keep it inside.
The same is true with my heart. It is so protected, some days I feel like I have draped a dark purple veil over it (purple? not sure why but it's the color i envision) to protect me from any disappointment. Yet what is life without disappointment? We make our smiles from the edge of sadness. Why is it that I just cannot share what is in my heart? Why do I want to keep myself protected from the unknown when I have no reason to fear anything He has given to me? Life without smiles or life without hurt just isn't life at all. But tonight, I smile through my tears knowing tomorrow is a new day, everything will be just fine and I will try all over again to be the person I know I can be.

its just callled life

It has been so long since i have had the time to sit and blog. And, being here, able to type at 12:13 in the afternoon is a first! Today is July 4Th, the day our country celebrates it's birth. On this day six years ago, I brought my little girl home from the hospital to a new world full of unknowns. Daily we discover what we didn't know the day before. Daily, we handle experiences that I never would have thought could cross my path.
Everyday is a new day to choose just how I will handle what God had given me. Some days the dose is small and others, like today, I look and stare at the current dose and wonder just how am i going to manage that?! Because each day is a new day, and I get to wake up to the life I choose to live, I don't need to wonder what has gone wrong I don't need to wonder how I will fix it, because I trust that I am doing everything in my power to follow God's path and find the righteous way. I may have to make choices I wish I didn't and I may react in a way someone else may not, and I have even been known to jump at something and look back realizing I could have done something else instead. But I know I can't change the past, I know everything happens for a reason, I know that I live my life in the best way that I can. Because of this, I am so deep down happy. I wake up with a smile each morning, place my feet on my rug and thank God I have been blessed with an amazing daughter and an amazing mother to share my morning routine with.
Without trials and tribulations, without the test of wills and patience, without the heartache and the mistrust I would not be able to fully appreciate the life that has been given to me to live and share with those around me. I am a good person who accepts there is evil and bad in my life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. With this bit of poison comes challenge. I used to think that someday, this challenge in my life would get a bit less difficult and it still may; for today I believe it will be one of the biggest challenges I will ever have to face. This makes me such a better person! This challenge makes me appreciate the smaller things in life, somethings so simple anyone else may overlook them.
My life is great and when someone asks, 'How are you doing?', my response may vary with the word choice, but the end point is always the same....'I am amazing, wonderful, great, fabulous, happy, smiling, pleased or accomplished.' I keep the poison down by chasing it with a smile and a happy thought. Rid the body of toxins but keep in mind what it can do to me if I let it fester and consume me.
I am me, single mom, smiling and happy.

happiness is a great state of mind

I love music, but have a new found love for it lately. Country music is what makes my feet tap and my head nod in agreement but lately, I've found it sounds so much sweeter when I am sharing the ease of listening to music with someone else. Music seems to find those words that I don't know how to say aloud. Music makes me quiet when I start to ramble. Music makes me smile. Sharing this with someone is a great leap for me.
My main goal this summer is to enjoy life to the fullest, don't say no and go with the flow. I am succeeding with such a success rate I should be giving myself a big pat of the back! Oh wait, I did that already :) I never ever would have thought I would be a person who sets specific goals and then purposely deters from one or more for personal gain, yet that is what I am doing and I feel so good. Tonight, as I stare out the window into the darkness I catch a reflection of myself and for the first time I am not surprised in my expression. I see complete relaxation in my eyes and a half smile has formed on my lips. I smile as I type this and I have that great feeling deep down that this summer is going to be great.
Country music, firefly and lemonade, back porches and sharing friendship and of course my daughter. This is what I want my summer to hold for me. I will keep tapping my feet and smiling my favorite smile thinking just how lucky I am that life has given me a second chance.

it's with the Big Guy Now

For so long, I have been fighting a battle, mostly internal that turned outward and then it became messy. I feel as though this battle has been raging for so long, but in comparison it really hasn't been all that long. When something has the ability to affect me I tend to internalize and focus only on that one issue and walk blindly through my days using an auto-me. I smile, I laugh, I work, I'm a mom, I'm a friend but I've given myself up to something bigger than me. Until today, this afternoon actually I didn't give that a second thought. It was as though that is exactly what I expected of myself and looking back this time spent waging this battle has been a shiny blur. Something looked at through watery eyes and a heavy heart.
Words tonight, they are difficult to form a complete logical sentence and thought pattern, it's as though my fingers are not connected to my brain and my brain is not connected to my heart. Somewhere along the way, I have created a disconnect between reality and the life I am living.
For so long now, I have put myself on hold while I blithely watch the world pass me by. And pass me by it is still doing. I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel but stuck at the top, watching everything happen from afar. The feeling like, it doesn't necessarily matter if I have a say or not, regardless, LIFE GOES ON. That is such a tough concept to know that regardless of what I do, what I think, feel, act or say, LIFE GOES ON. But does it really go on as though it would have without this battle? I don't like to think so, I think if I took part in life as I should have, my impact would have made a difference, my impact would have affected my life in just the same way that me stand idly on the sidelines has affected my life.
Woah, word jumble! What I mean is, I do matter, I may be one voice, one body, one soul but I was made me for a reason. I was set out to grow throughout this lifetime and live with challenges and battles set in my path. If life were easy, afterlife would be hard. I know I don't want to spend my afterlife in a world of difficult. I want to earn my keep now, here on Earth and prove I am strong enough to make it where I want to be.
This battle I continue to mention, I have done my waging of war, I have donned my armor and stood up for what I believe in. Now, it is up to God to decide if I have behaved properly and stood for what I believe so strongly in.

deflation

The hardest part of realizing I am no longer following the path I thought I was on is recognizing that no matter how hard I try, it doesn't change the outside influences on my life. The choices I make, the decisions I come to, the energy and effort I put into things makes me feel better. It does not change the Ultimate Plan He has in store for me. Today, I am truly sad and feeling so let down by the world in which I live. A world where, if you lie, cheat, steal and do awful things, intentionally hurt other people and are just a nasty person, it really does matter because the people who make the rules get to believe you. Because if you can do this and walk away with a clean conscience; you are hurting is everyone around you and the most insane part is you don't even care that you are doing it.
I never make wishes because I like to think anything I want I can go after and I can accomplish it. Today, I am making wishes because I can't accomplish everything, and I can't conquer this world we live in. I wish, I lived in a time when people didn't intentionally hurt other people, regardless of the reason. I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer at the hands of evil and I wish I could do something more than I am to keep her safe from harm.
I don't care if my life is hard, it is supposed to be. If life was easy everyone would make it into Heaven. I don't want Emma's life to be harder than it has to be just because I made a bad choice. Yes, she is the one amazing, great miracle to come out of a bad choice that I made over 6 years ago.
I make this oath today, I will never, ever make that bad choice ever again. I am me from now until the day I die. I will do whatever I can to make this black mark in my life right and I will protect my daughter from my bad choice or die trying.

worrisome mom

The battle I fight as a mom is something completely different than the battle I fight as a woman. I still feel the tension of fights to come and battles to wage even though the outcome is no longer in my control. I try so hard, every single day, to do the right thing for you, Emma, and thankfully you don't realize there is a fight going on surrounding you. I try, so hard, every single day, to keep you safe, to keep you thinking as a 5 1/2 year old little girl is to think, to play only as kindergarten children know how. I also know that you realize there is a tension that surrounds you and you also have the smarts to know the tension is a direct correlation to you and to me.
Soon, my little girl, this fight will be over yet no one will have won. I only pray your life will be a bit easier; hope you will be the little 5 1/2 year old girl who gets to be 5 1/2, where your toughest decisions for the day will be what to have for breakfast or who to sit with for lunch or what color marker you choose to start off your picture. Life won't always be this easy, choices are not so black and white; for now little one, your mommy will keep you safe or die trying.
I told you tonight, I have you walk in front of me so I can always see you; you pointed out that when I'm not behind you, I can't see you. A simple statement like that holds so much more meaning for me than you. But you, my precious little girl, you know it's as simple as that, I can't see you if I am not behind you. NO matter what, no matter where you are in life, my little girl, I will always be behind you, and yes you will always be my little girl.

my little girl

In re-reading some of my latest posts, I have noticed that they are very one sided. Nothing to do with anyone other than myself, my feelings and my thoughts. I am fine with the 'my thoughts' part of the blogs, I am the only one who is writing them, but I am not okay with the 'myself' part. Somewhere in the past few months I have lost the thoughts of my daughter inside my mind and haven't shared them as I so freely share my own trials and tribulations.
My little girl. Emma Marie, or Emma Lou, or lately, Lou. She has the most grandiose ideas and give her and inch she'll make a marathon out of it and not even blink, she'll just look at me with her head tilted sideways and the curls bobbing and wink. At 29, I learned along with Emma, who is 5 and 1/2 as I write this, how to wink. Mine is no where near as nice as her winking, but still we can both do it (just hers better than mine). But I digress on a separate topic all together.
About 3 weeks ago, I had finally decided it was about time for my little girl to sleep through the night, in her own bed, and not wake me just because she rolled over and woke up a little bit. A grand plan had emerged in my mind through the points system. If Emma was able to sleep through the night for 4 out of 7 nights in one week, beginning on Sunday we would have an Emma day. Well...then I decided we would have a bunch of ideas to pick from and I suggested Albany Art Room as her 'prize'.
This is how the rest of the story went:
She was so excited jumping up and down, me thinking the whole time...nice she is this excited about Tye-dying a shirt for less than $8 bucks. When all of a sudden she does an air pump with her fist and says, "I can't wait to go back and paint a puppy for the puppy I made the last time."
"WOAH, what??? Oh no, no, no. That isn't what i said, I didn't say Pottery Place, I said Albany Art Room where you can do Tye-dye."
I then get the head turning sideways, the curls bobbing and the little wink, "but mommy you said I can have an Emma day."
"Yes, Yes I did. Okay lets try this then, 5 days of sleeping through the night?"
"Oh no, you said 4. That's the deal."

So, I was talked out of Albany Art Room and somehow convinced that all along I meant Pottery Place. I wouldn't want the first ceramic puppy that cost me $27 to be all by itself right?? I do, really do want to spend another $27 so these ceramic puppies can be friends, fall in love, and get married. Then we will have to go back and make ceramic puppies!
To close, yes, Emma did sleep 4 nights in a row, but just to be grandiose, she added another night to it making it a total of 5!!!! So, i am sleeping like a champ and at the low price of $27.

waiting

Why do I set myself up for something so much bigger than what it really is?I’m so much more! At the end of the day I’m left with tears and pride. Pride is so much more important than keeping a person in my life, a person that i know in advance, will hurt. Without moving on, without the grieving process, I am but a pawn in a game. A game I'm not even sure I want to be playing right now. And how fitting the song, ' Consider me Gone ' is playing right now on the radio.
Every single day i know when i wake up I hit the alarm at least 3 times, then i shower. I don't get out of the shower until I have figured at least 2 possible outfits to wear to work. Lately, I have been having a VERY difficult time with this task. I then wake Emma after I am dressed and get her motivated. Long story short..breakfast, car with our daily necessities (coffee!) and off to school and work. Daily. Interrupted, unplanned events and thoughts are exactly what i have a problem with. I am someone who 'needs to know well in advance'. The only downside i see to this is the fact that i am passing the genetics and the teachings down to my daughter. Which in retrospect doesn't seem all that bad.
In my opinion, I have tried my hardest to end a relationship set up and doomed for failure. Yet something keeps us lingering. WHY??? I'll tell you why. It's the comfort zone. Its the known thought that each of you finds solace and relaxation in the other. It is completely friendship driven, mutually agreeable thoughts, and just comfort with the other person. But yet a damn title! Why is it we have to describe ourselves using a title with someone one else? Why do i have to be the employee of, the daughter of, the girlfriend of, the mother of?? I hate it all! I am me, and I love who I have turned into. so if that is the case, why am I still hiding like a secret? that the girl no one wants to hear or accept as the real me? Am i so scared to be me that i may possibly have lost the ability to be me?
I am such a strong woman playing the part i am currently in. I am shutting myself off from those who care about me. and here i thought i needed therapy for this! lol, i still do but can't afford it. Either way, as a coverall, I describe myself as a single mom. forever that is my first title. When will i be okay with adding to that? Why am i so scared to be able to let go? If i could let go, i would let in the thought, the ability and the actions to move forward in my life. I have frozen who i have become to the point that i no longer allow outside influences to hurt me.
I was just sent an email a few weeks ago that says we can only control 10% of our lives. It showed the point that we can control 10% and that is our reaction to the 90%. I share my reactions and hope for the best.

it happens when you know its going to happen

Relationships...in so many cases seem to define people. I have met so many new people on my path of freedom and in so many cases have been introduced as any of the following: 'the mother of', 'the daughter of', 'the son of', 'the child of', 'my boss is' etc.
Why is it that we find ourselves needing to define ourselves by others????
I want to end this right here, right now. For so long I have too been one of those people, but here, tonight i am me. My name is not important to those who don't actually know me, but I am me, college educated, single female, mother of an amazing 5 1/2 year old girl who attends parochial school and has such a loser father that i have the audacity to make him prove other wise. But at the end of the day, I am me, 5' 6" runner of 5K, friend of many, often mouthy, but so very loyal oh and such the typcial irish female!

To start a bit of a thought that has been running through my head recently, enough that i was blogging at work today in an email to myself at home, i want to share my continued thoughts on relationships that has been building over the past weeks.

An ending to any relationship has its mourning period. I was told recently that within a relationship once it ends, there is always two very distinct perspectives on the relationship. There is one person who has already mourned the 'loss' of the other person and has finally made the last break complete. The other person is left holding out their hands and finding them empty and maybe more than a little lost and broken hearted. Then there comes two sides to every story on just how to describe the relationship and when the mental break began.

I am 29 years old with less than a month to go before i say good-bye to my 20s and hello to the 30s. i have never officially been an age in the 30 range, but mentally I've been here for quite some time. Its just about time my body is catching up with my mind. I have yet one more failed relationship to add to my list and this time, like every other time, i am the person who has already mourned the loss and have left the other person with his hands face up empty handed wondering why. This time around though, there seems to be something missing.......

it's mostly that fear that i am single, the fear that i may not find the one who makes my heart flip and the fear that i may never fall madly in love. maybe, just maybe second best isn't so bad after all. but then i wake up from my selfish reality and know that second best is just the first losers point of view. When have I ever accepted being the first loser? ummm.. yes readers, NEVER!

So will carry on, I will put myself out there for Mr. AMAZING WONDERFUL and FANTASTIC and hope he realizes just what an amazing person he is getting in return to all my sacrifical offerings. by this i mean shorter showers, no longer leaving the curling iron plugged in all day, or the toaster(whooops!!! that one i did today for the 4th time!)
I am going to wow this world with my mommy expertise and my ability to almost wink, along with the oh so tempting newly famous turtle tattoo. (check back for pics!!!) I am a lover of life, keeper of mother earth and greener than green. Regardless of the men that may cross my path, I love me and I love my life.

it's time

When you plan your life out, it never seems to want to follow where you are trying to lead it. No matter what I may want for my life i have found that God wants something very different from what i think is good enough for me.
In some cases i could refer to parts of my life like a candy store and yet in others its like walking into an ocean filled with jellyfish. Regardless of what i was hoping for opening those doors or stepping foot into that water He has a bigger plan. I need to remember that and pray on it. I do, remember and pray that is, but at the end of the day when i let my thoughts wander and i let my mind play the game of pretend, i have been finding myself more melancholy than satisfied.
What do i do when i realize that the chapter in my life is over, but I'm not ready to flip the page and find out what happens in the next chapter? How will I ever know where the story ends and where the story begins with a new ending if I don't test the closed open door? Here is a great example, It has always been a dream of mine to move south and find myself a cowboy, yet year after year finds me here, cold in NY. My ultimate question, is it fate or my choices?
Choices always seem to throw me a curve late at night when I blog. All i know is, I am not here enough, and I don't seem to think life through long enough to see the results as they really are, with my glasses on and God at my side.