If I knew then...

After learning the truth, the real truth and not the truth behind the rose colored glasses, isn't the first question always, 'knowing what I know now, would I do it all over again?' I'm not sure what most people would do, but I know me and I know I would do it all over again.  Yes, I am better off now; I'm sad oh so sad knowing life once again has passed me by.  Daily I pray to be on God's path and for him to close those doors that are no longer meant to be open.  This door was closing not too long after it had been open.  I was lucky enough for it to stay open for as long as it was just so I could learn so much more about me and what I could handle.

As I look to leave the past behind me and begin a new, I can only hope the challenges I have faced in the past allow me to escape those same challenges in the future.  Almost every day I can be the grown up, the mature adult who smiles and walks with her head held high; it's times like this when I feel I can't just sit back and watch it all crumble away.  I always thought I could help and make through, but have realized I can't help what hasn't completely broken and sadly when it does break, I won't be here to help.  

Falling in love was the easy part, letting go to watch it fall apart is hard.

Impact

     I hate the catsup bottle turned upside, same with the BBQ sauce bottle...but if it's almost empty I'll flip them to get the most out.  I like making plans, but if opportunity arises, I'll take it.  Sometimes, it's better to just sit back and listen even if I want to speak my peace.  So now, sometimes...'When my little girl has to write a story about a picture she has that made her smile and she picks one where she is turned upside down,' I just smile and shake my head.  A random loud burp, singing country at the top of her lungs in true country twang, picking on me for short hair...it's all my little girl, but she's with an impact.
     We've both changed in the past year and have added a bit to our list of 'who we are' and that other list of 'what we do'.  Either way, we were impacted by our new little past in ways I never could have imagined. I hardly ever roll my eyes anymore and I miss that, but I don't miss the ear plugs.  I found about 10 of them the other day rolling around in a top drawer and found myself smiling that half smile; thinking oh thank goodness I don't need those and yet thinking awww I don't need those.  What a topsy turvy thought rolling through.
      Each moment has an impact on the future; at the time I had no idea just how it would be today.  Oh the stories I have heard repeated, similar to those stories from the past, the ones shared over and over to keep a memory fresh that can never be replaced by a newer memory.  The choice I made to keep my heart protected inevitably involves little Lou and starts her new past stories a fresh.
No matter, I'm thankful for the time shared, for what I've learned, the smiles I've made and the tears I've cried.  In my eyes it was all good, because it's better to remember the good and laugh of the silly and forget the rest.

wherever i may be

It doesn't seem to matter what I am doing, yesterday was riding in the car and tonight while making oatmeal cookies, I find my thoughts wandering to you.  where are you?  What are you doing now at this very moment while I am baking?  It's not usually a big thought, but you pop in and out at such completely random times I have a tendency to wonder if it's because you too are randomly thinking of me.  We both know that happens often enough.

I am not resigned, that is not the right word.  I actually loathe the word, tying it to something I would not look forward to doing.  I would say more than anything I am at peace with the decisions I have made in the past few weeks.  The decision to see what my future will hold here, and just hope for the best.  I want the white horse, I want to castle on top of the ocean and the fairy tale ending.  But I am realizing that perhaps I am living in my own fairy tale, looking for my own castle on top of an ocean that only I can see.

prayer

It's a funny thing about prayer, you may just get exactly what you are asking for, literally.  I read a book about a man who asked God over and over to 'just open my heart up' and finally that is exactly what he had happen.  Flat out on the ER table, open heart surgery.  Although my story is not nearly as dramatic as that one, it does come with a similar byline.  Be careful what you pray for because it might just be taken care of for you by the Big Guy himself.
I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened without my diligent words spoken whenever I found the thought crossing my mind.  I am just pointing out the mere coincidence of events that have transpired since I began this little prayer, oh right about that time when things started to change and I don't mean the weather.  I can be candid about this because the realization of knowing the unspoken is such a relief I could only be sad for about 10 minutes.  And I am sure in the time ahead, I will be sadder yet, but for right now I kind of want to marvel in the power of prayer.
I talk to God quite often, but find I save my most worrisome prayers for church and having a few extra bodies with me for Him to see once in a while seemed to add some passion to my prayers!
 A little over a year ago, I had a long heart to heart talk with a good friend of mine whose faith has never wavered since the day she was born.  I was at a confusing part of my life and asked for help, she told me to stop praying for those that won't help themselves and pray for those that don't know how.  There is a difference and I saw that as she was saying it.  So, the next time I would have said my same prayer, I modified it and instantly felt this shift inside me.  I don't necessarily mean I felt God inside of me, but more that I had aligned myself back in the direction I should be in.  (I sometimes tend to wander off the path of life) The prayer flowed so easily from me, and it was so simple!  Almost immediately life began to change around me as if to say, well thanks for noticing and welcome back.  A year later, I say this prayer as often as I ever have and it's more of a reminder to me now than anything.
It's now been a solid 4 months since my new prayer and although I did once again feel that shift in me, it wasn't as nice and pleasant as the one I had felt a year ago.  I think it's because somewhere that something that makes you want to sneeze but then you don't, did a twinge and I knew without a doubt this was a changing prayer.  Although helping people who don't know how to help themselves doesn't always come with a good, warm, fuzzy feeling in the beginning, knowing that in the future life will be better for all involved makes it just a little more bearable.  So tonight, I will be okay, and tomorrow too.  But maybe not the next day or the next week.  If you see me with the lost little look, I'm trying to find my way again on the path of life I've been given.

it's never the past

Just when I think all is right in my world, a twist gets thrown into what is settling into becoming an overall very good year.  Thinking about it now, my stomach cringes and tears come to my eyes, again.  Tonight I cried so hard and sobbed so loud my daughter heard and continued to ask me if I was okay.  I haven't cried those painful tears in such a long time, I really had thought they were buried in my past.  Today I realized, it will never go away.  No matter how much I pray, one decision for the rest of my life is a mark on my soul like a birthmark i wear as my own.  I chose to mark my soul, so forever I will carry my burden.  I will not beg to lighten my load, only those who are weak ask for help.  Instead, tonight, I will let my tears fall and revel in the pain I thought I had overcome.  Tomorrow I will hold my head strong and I will begin my fight again, only as a true warrior knows how.
There are very few times I have shown my daughter I am weak.  She knows it is okay to cry, to talk about our emotions, but to see and hear me break down and let the sobs wrack me to the core... it's just not something I do.  Some say the only true way to be a parent is to show your child you are weak and human.  I agree, but tonight was not a lesson in weakness, tonight was a lesson in just being tired.  When something has been accomplished, we file it away and although it's put into it's proper place, its memory lingers, to bring that memory quickly and sharply to the forefront when already I am surrounded by sadness and pain, the ache comes back full force.
In my gut I feel what I can only describe as a bad idea...very bad ideas seem to surround me with this.  For the first time in my life, I have seen the poison in its clearest form and when all I want to do is run from it, I instead must figure out the antidote because I've already drank it.

unlike her own

She told the story from her perspective, it was not far from the truth, a kind of dark shade of grey kind of truth. Her voice stayed low so the girl could only hear pieces of the half truth floating toward her. The girl always knew it would happen, as the woman never seemed to hold her tongue for very long; feeling a sense of relief that it was at least being acknowledged, let out a small breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her timing was interesting at best and as a smile played at her lips she remembered being in this very room a year ago with a smile that was only ever for this place, once a week for just over an hour. She melted back into happiness for that moment, remembering what it was like to have someone like that in her life again, someone who just understood with a look, a sigh, a gentle squeeze of a hand.
Tonight the woman was tainting a memory she didn't own; thankfully her voice was low and what she needed to share and attempt to spoil couldn't be done. The girl looked over only to see a quick flash of sadness on the woman's face before it was covered up with anger she wears saved only for this place. A slow sadness crept in before the memory had a chance to finish and right there she knew she could no longer be hurt by the woman knowing she didn't understand. All too suddenly it was time to go, one more hour sifted though as they both watched separately together.

when it gets difficult...just reach a bit further

She was tired. The effort it took to pretend as though she didn't know who they were, to pretend she didn't care they didn't look her way, to pretend she wasn't cringing on the inside every single time her heart jumped. Then, right as she began to look up there were the boots walking in followed by the flip flops. She knew those boots anywhere, the flip flops were so typically her and why is her heart beats so fast? Can the woman sitting next to her hear that? And just like that the heart calms, the fire starts to burn and her anger once again turns real. Yet just as quickly as the anger fired up, the sadness hit and she realizes once again there isn't anything to cause the angry other than the initial knee-jerk, flight-fight reaction. The decisions have been made without her, never has she not had a say in her own life, but they didn't give her a choice. The tears threaten to fall with lost hope of what could have been, what still could be. Instead, she looks down at the words in the book and counts them just like last week, and the week before, and the year before. A year before was hope and possibility, this day was sad realization and resigned disappointment.
She looks down and laughs at the stupidity. They match, her in the flowing black skirt, teal peasant blouse that seems to flow with her as she moves, she in the simple straight lines of a sleeveless teal shirt and black carpi's with casual black flats. She begins to stare, a bit longer than she's comfortable with but still unwilling to look away, hoping the head will come up from the book that has her so engrossed. But nothing changes, everything stays the same. It's time to go, the little one aches to say hello and wrap her arms around her but knows without a doubt she would be punished. Her eyes ask so many unanswered questions and try to plead for understanding, the older one just looks with knowing sadness but says nothing. Her skirt flows around her legs as she moves on and out in a whirl of perfume that speaks only of her.

She did the unthinkable, she once again reaches for the shelf that she knows she can't reach. But she continues to try as her heart slowly hardens against what she knows will always be just lengths away.

girlfriends

Friendship is a funny thing, I have a few different 'circle's' of friends. There are the girls I chat with every single day, then there are the coworkers I spend 40 plus hours a week with, but only Monday through Friday. Then there are my go to girls, there are only a select few of those. These girls are the special ones in my life who barely know one another, but who know all there is to know about me, when the times get tough or the story is just so special to share, I can go to either of them, even after a year or two years apart and I know they would sit down with me and listen. The best part about these girlfriends is they are also forever friends. I would do anything for them, forever and i know they would do the same for me. I love my forever friends.
My other girlfriends, they were met through someone and when first meeting them you hope for a kindred spirit. But, after a while, I say....ahhh well that would be why I hadn't met her before. I like her, a ton but she just isn't a kindred spirit. She isn't a forever friend. It takes so much time and energy and effort to make and keep a forever friend, I then wonder, is it just me?
Am I just too lazy to attempt at making another forever friend? But then I realized, nope. That is the whole point of making a kindred spirit, the fun that goes into working it and making it that much better of a friendship. So, I am smiling as I type because i know the girls in my life are for me, and with me for a reason. Some may be annoying, some may be selfish, some may be fun, some may be sensitive. But all in all, you add up each bit of an individual's personality and you've got me.

an inner link

I haven't posted since October 23, 2010. And that was the first post listed for me to re-read when i opened an otherwise stagnant blog. I had thoughts to post something completely different, but feelings and emotions came over me so quickly and so hard it seemed impossible to tamper them down with anything other than words.
I have found this blog is more about my past than it is my present. It's my go to when I have no where else to turn. No response is ever needed, I just need to get out what eats me up inside. I hope someday to start something a bit more uplifting, but tonight I realized just how true the title of this blog really is.
I am not sure if it is the past connection of time, or what I have endured; but the pain doesn't ever seem to lessen when I feel its hit. The hits come so infrequently now, when it does happen it seems to root me in it longer, and deeper. I can't fix what is broken. I am not sure if that is exactly why I can't let it go, or if it is just the fact that a connection has been made. Forever. A connection that was broke because one side of the link can't figure out how to repair itself. That link doesn't realize that within itself comes the power and energy to fix what it already knows how. Instead it looks everywhere but inside for the answers.
I am not entitled to anything other than the breath I breathe; yet I push to be accepted into a world I want nothing to do with. I used to think I was a part of the inside; I know now that never was. The hurt isn't any less when I know the truth, it just makes it easier to understand. I used to hate that I hurt; now I just embrace it when it comes and accept those things that I cannot change. My link to forever, my link to something bigger, I cannot accept that it cannot be changed. My understanding doesn't fix a mind that knows only good. My acceptance doesn't quell the pain. I am stronger for those that haven't learned to be able to brush off and accept the hurt and the pain. I smile on the outside, while the inside makes the rain.

someday....

...you will say I'm sorry and this time you will mean it.

...you won't disappoint each and every time as you inevitably do.

...you will say I love you to someone and mean it with your whole heart.

...you will look in the mirror and realize, this just isn't how I want to live my life.

...you will get up in the morning with a smile on your face ready to face a new day with new hope and new great thoughts.

...you won't make me cry.

...you won't make me wish on a star that has already gone out.

...you will look at me and realize it's okay.

...you will decide that you aren't more important than the life you helped to bring into this world.

...you will realize that anger is ugly.

...my heart won't bleed for you to just open your eyes and see what hurt you have caused because you will already be fixing all the broken bridges.

...we will once again be friends.

everything is going to be fine

Isn't that the truth? For every sad moment that hurts to the core, I always think everything is going to be fine. And it always is. Life goes on. The hurt lessens, the pain weakens and I heal. It has been well over the extended length of time that I want to let my past control me but here I lay, typing with a pillow underneath me, watching 27 Dresses and wishing to just be able to let go and be me. I want to be me, the me I pretend to be each day to everyone who can't see the tears behind my smile.
I hurt inside and I refuse to trust, refuse to let anyone in because if I do, then I have given myself away with the inability to take back what might possibly be broken. I am learning to ask for help, I am learning to not be a 'yes' girl and I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I am positive and I smile, but I smile and laugh because it's what is always expected of me. When will be the time that I choose for myself to do what I expect of myself? Why is it I don't feel I deserve to be happy? I punish myself each day for a poor choice on one night in a blip of my life. This choice has forever changed any plans I thought I had for life. But did it really? Did this one split second decision actually allow for me to be set on the correct course He has chosen for me to follow? Am I actually doing it right?
I think the unknown is what scares me. An ugliness turned out to produce an amazing miracle that surprises and wows me each day. A bit of anger leads to hurtful words that can't be taken back. I keep them in but the thoughts are still there, the truth of what I feel is still there, I just keep it inside.
The same is true with my heart. It is so protected, some days I feel like I have draped a dark purple veil over it (purple? not sure why but it's the color i envision) to protect me from any disappointment. Yet what is life without disappointment? We make our smiles from the edge of sadness. Why is it that I just cannot share what is in my heart? Why do I want to keep myself protected from the unknown when I have no reason to fear anything He has given to me? Life without smiles or life without hurt just isn't life at all. But tonight, I smile through my tears knowing tomorrow is a new day, everything will be just fine and I will try all over again to be the person I know I can be.

its just callled life

It has been so long since i have had the time to sit and blog. And, being here, able to type at 12:13 in the afternoon is a first! Today is July 4Th, the day our country celebrates it's birth. On this day six years ago, I brought my little girl home from the hospital to a new world full of unknowns. Daily we discover what we didn't know the day before. Daily, we handle experiences that I never would have thought could cross my path.
Everyday is a new day to choose just how I will handle what God had given me. Some days the dose is small and others, like today, I look and stare at the current dose and wonder just how am i going to manage that?! Because each day is a new day, and I get to wake up to the life I choose to live, I don't need to wonder what has gone wrong I don't need to wonder how I will fix it, because I trust that I am doing everything in my power to follow God's path and find the righteous way. I may have to make choices I wish I didn't and I may react in a way someone else may not, and I have even been known to jump at something and look back realizing I could have done something else instead. But I know I can't change the past, I know everything happens for a reason, I know that I live my life in the best way that I can. Because of this, I am so deep down happy. I wake up with a smile each morning, place my feet on my rug and thank God I have been blessed with an amazing daughter and an amazing mother to share my morning routine with.
Without trials and tribulations, without the test of wills and patience, without the heartache and the mistrust I would not be able to fully appreciate the life that has been given to me to live and share with those around me. I am a good person who accepts there is evil and bad in my life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. With this bit of poison comes challenge. I used to think that someday, this challenge in my life would get a bit less difficult and it still may; for today I believe it will be one of the biggest challenges I will ever have to face. This makes me such a better person! This challenge makes me appreciate the smaller things in life, somethings so simple anyone else may overlook them.
My life is great and when someone asks, 'How are you doing?', my response may vary with the word choice, but the end point is always the same....'I am amazing, wonderful, great, fabulous, happy, smiling, pleased or accomplished.' I keep the poison down by chasing it with a smile and a happy thought. Rid the body of toxins but keep in mind what it can do to me if I let it fester and consume me.
I am me, single mom, smiling and happy.

deflation

The hardest part of realizing I am no longer following the path I thought I was on is recognizing that no matter how hard I try, it doesn't change the outside influences on my life. The choices I make, the decisions I come to, the energy and effort I put into things makes me feel better. It does not change the Ultimate Plan He has in store for me. Today, I am truly sad and feeling so let down by the world in which I live. A world where, if you lie, cheat, steal and do awful things, intentionally hurt other people and are just a nasty person, it really does matter because the people who make the rules get to believe you. Because if you can do this and walk away with a clean conscience; you are hurting is everyone around you and the most insane part is you don't even care that you are doing it.
I never make wishes because I like to think anything I want I can go after and I can accomplish it. Today, I am making wishes because I can't accomplish everything, and I can't conquer this world we live in. I wish, I lived in a time when people didn't intentionally hurt other people, regardless of the reason. I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer at the hands of evil and I wish I could do something more than I am to keep her safe from harm.
I don't care if my life is hard, it is supposed to be. If life was easy everyone would make it into Heaven. I don't want Emma's life to be harder than it has to be just because I made a bad choice. Yes, she is the one amazing, great miracle to come out of a bad choice that I made over 6 years ago.
I make this oath today, I will never, ever make that bad choice ever again. I am me from now until the day I die. I will do whatever I can to make this black mark in my life right and I will protect my daughter from my bad choice or die trying.

it's time

When you plan your life out, it never seems to want to follow where you are trying to lead it. No matter what I may want for my life i have found that God wants something very different from what i think is good enough for me.
In some cases i could refer to parts of my life like a candy store and yet in others its like walking into an ocean filled with jellyfish. Regardless of what i was hoping for opening those doors or stepping foot into that water He has a bigger plan. I need to remember that and pray on it. I do, remember and pray that is, but at the end of the day when i let my thoughts wander and i let my mind play the game of pretend, i have been finding myself more melancholy than satisfied.
What do i do when i realize that the chapter in my life is over, but I'm not ready to flip the page and find out what happens in the next chapter? How will I ever know where the story ends and where the story begins with a new ending if I don't test the closed open door? Here is a great example, It has always been a dream of mine to move south and find myself a cowboy, yet year after year finds me here, cold in NY. My ultimate question, is it fate or my choices?
Choices always seem to throw me a curve late at night when I blog. All i know is, I am not here enough, and I don't seem to think life through long enough to see the results as they really are, with my glasses on and God at my side.

giving it your all

Each day I wake up, regretfully leaving my warm cozy bed in my warm cozy existence in dreamland and choose to give it my all to whatever the day may hand over to me. Over the past year I have been taking my life step by step, decision by decision and I have noticed what may seem obvious to most looking in...those individual steps and decisions make a larger more deeply impacted result on my life. This in turn has an impact on those who surround me.
Relationships are tough and require work, whether its with a family member, a coworker or a lover. I have taken many steps in the right direction toward healing myself and being as completely honest as i can allow myself to those I choose to surround myself with. What I noticed recently is that I have been keeping everyone at a nice safe distance from my personal life. Sure, I share thoughts and feelings and my time but at the end of the day I am on my own.
If I leave tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I won't be heartbroken. And to be honest, I have no idea how to fix it. I have created a gap between me and the world and right now it is so dangerous for me to cross it. I have been feeling so unsettled lately, so not myself and I can't explain it. Instead I run and I don't feel much better emotionally but at least I have exhausted my body to the point where the thoughts I did have are pushed aside by those of muscles screaming at me.
I'm sure my therapist would be having a field day with me right now, but the truth is I can't afford her, so instead I journal and blog. I am not sure I will ever be completely healed, but I am also not sure I want to be healed. I am so scared to see the world as it could be with me a part of it.

final decision

It's always hard when thoughts are rolling around and I can't seem to make sense even when its all i can do to try and focus on them. All of a sudden, one seemingly insignficant event occurs and those thoughts come tumbling together making a startingly clear reality. Now i find myself looking back wondering exactly how long I have been thinking these misconstrued thoughts.

It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.

I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?

the corner around the bend

Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.

the hardest decision in a while

First, 2 blogs in one night? I am on a roll! I am unsure the proper blog protocol, but considering one blog has nothing to do with the other, it only felt appropriate.
Tonight, in my heart, I know I made one of the hardest decisions in a very long time, and failed miserably. My decision is something that is so hard it hurts but i know its the right thing to do. I prayed on it, did what i felt was right, and was given another option.
Personally, I call it caving and prolonging the enevitable; maybe not. Maybe because I gave with my heart, this will be what i know it can be.
I always want to know the why about everything. Tonight i realize its okay to not know why and smile a sad smile.