a little bit mean

I haven't been feeling myself in a while, I think the weather and all that comes with me losing Summer; the ease of walking outside in the warmth without layers has finally made it's doomsday arrival.  That is the sunshine and rainbows me, the me who thinks lovely little happy thoughts all the time.
This new me, the me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry knows it goes deeper into my self-worth.  I have found I just really don't like me right now.  To be quite honest, I am very disappointed in me and how I've turned out these past 10 years.  Nothing is as I had planned it.  The further I can keep myself from others the better they are but the worse off I feel.

This weekend I had a great opportunity to lounge and enjoy a bit of me time for 8 hours alone!  I had plans but ended up cancelling them due to bad weather and an overall permanent gray cloud hanging around me for the past week.

After a failed attempt to just enjoy a relaxing day, I did some serious internal reflection .  For the first time since it happened, I realized I am still hurt.  After over 16 years I am still hurt by my best friend who just left me as a friend one day.  To this day I have NO  closure from it's happening; when I did see her about 4 years later mid-way through college she looked at me with such hate and detest I left with an apology to the mutual friend.  So, it does explain to me the path I had taken over the course of my friendship years.  I fail to keep anyone close to me, I drop and pick up friends easily, but no one really seems to know the true me.  I thought I was a trustful person but I am not.  To this very moment, I do not trust the people I currently associate with.  All along, I assumed it was them but after this weekend, I know now it is me.

This brings me back to being mean.  In bailing this weekend I was not a great friend, but she understood.  Tonight though, I was awful.  I was mean to my little one, and she took it.  Just stood there and took it.  And i'm not talking being mean just once, I was mean on and off for about an hour.  WHY??????  HOW??? How can i call myself a good parent after that? I did NOT MEAN IT. 

It all came out mean and wrong each time I said something! I apologized after climbing in bed and snuggling up for a good read and some old fashioned mommy love, but the damage is done and other than I'm sorry, there is nothing more I can do.  Oh how I loathe myself right now.  If only I could take it back, instead I write it, to get out the poison that I threw at her with hurtful words and looks.

I feel like a live wire waiting to snap and explode.  I run but it's not enough.  I'm not the happy person I used to be.  I have lost something along the way and I don't know where I left it. 

i want to grow old

...with someone who has loved me since the moment he met me.  He will look at me and just know that in 50 years we will be sitting in rocking chairs on our outside wrap around porch, overlooking the acres of land and holding hands.  We will reminisce over all the years we have shared, the good, the bad, the fun, the smiles, the laughter and tears.
I heard tonight, it's an honor to grow old and an even bigger honor to be able to share that with someone else.  I sat back and thought about just how true that is.  My parents were completely head over heels in love with one another and would have made it through all the toughness us children had put them through.  In just a few short months, both would be sitting in their chairs sharing the stories.  Even though my dad isn't here to share that with my mom in the physical aspect, i believe he's here and sharing each joy and tear with her.
Happiness is what you make of it.  Without the day to day happiness shared from the person you love, what is the point in loving? And then, is it love or is it an adjusted behavior toward what is comforting?
Taking the first step into finding out who I am, what I want and how to achieve it is sometimes an overwhelming thought that can take me drifting for hours.
Happiness is grown and cultivated over years of hard work, lots of love and great trust. There is give, there is push and there is agreement.  I've got my opinion on how I want to live my life, I've created the mold and now I've got to find the right mix that will meld together and harden into old and gray on the porch in a rocking chair. Together.

idle hands clean

I need time, in one form or another; within that time there are many angles and ticks of the clock.  Whether mentally I need some extra time to think things through, or I just need that extra 8 minutes to make it to work on time...it seems I hardly ever have just idle time.  Tonight I ran for 40 minutes just to give myself some extra time to work though some mental stress.  Sadly (for my brain), my body had other intentions and I felt like I ran one of my better runs in a long time.  By the end of the run I was tired, needing the bathroom and desperately wanting to stretch my feet.  Other than that my thoughts were still jumbling around inside my head, not filing in any particular folder but flying free.

All the way home my mind was running as fast as my feet were earlier and I made the decision to just not think.  Everything happens for a reason and I was figuring since my body told me to run when I wanted to think, and all the way home my mind wouldn't settle on one thought long enough to let it come to fruition, I may as well just let it all go for the night. By the time I was home, I had given up my ambition to think anything further than how I was going to cook my fish (a spray of non-stick cooking spray and garlic).  Since my mind just wouldn't settle, once dinner was done and spelling words with sentences had been made (party like a rock star!) I settled in for the night of random cleaning.  I found my running is better than therapy shirt buried in the bottom of my pajama drawer?! I was able to hang up all the clean clothes and had a load in the dryer before Emma had rinsed the soap out of her hair.

I love my life, I love how I spend it when I've got just me time and tonight, the one thing I have realized is just how little time I have to myself and that although I have thoroughly enjoyed myself tonight with the mindless racing of my brain and the sheer happiness I felt as I hung up clothes and folded a shirt, one at a time, I do not feel complete without sharing that time with someone who understands me.  The me that is happy, the me that is sad, that someone who knows what my facial expressions mean as I am making them.  Tonight, I will fall asleep without the 'sweet dreams' as I give time for someone who didn't ask for it, but I could see it in the eyes.

putting it out there

It isn't often that I let my emotions show, that I go beyond my comfort level and share a bit of extra feeling. I haven't been feeling me at all lately. A whole lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions, all girlie stuff, has been floating around in my head. Typically I run for a few days and it clears up, aligns itself in the correctly labeled folder inside the ever growing cabinet of my brain. Why is it then that this time around that doesn't seem to be working? I've felt the need to blog more, run more, love more, feel more, care more. I can't seem to get enough 'I love you' to the people I care about and from the people who choose to care for me. But it just does not feel as though it is enough. I feel halfway there, to a completeness that is just out of my reach and no matter what I do, I just can't find the right way to put the rest in line.
I think and this is where I get nervous, is it because I have allowed someone to come into my life, to share with decisions, the every day part of my life, because I allow him to love me and my daughter. But why is it then when he takes that next step into my inner circle I take so many more steps backward? A new door stands in the place of where he thought I would be when he stepped in/ Why am I so scared to be in a fully committed, decision making sharing relationship? I would rather be a little bit hurt than all the way happy. I won't allow myself to be happy because then that means I am no longer punishing myself for my sins and transgressions of my past. It would mean I am over my past and trying to fix something that was broken when it started. If I give him the keys to all the doors, then I find myself with nothing to block when he hurts me. I play the big tough single, independent female who can conquer life all by myself all on my own, but at the end of the day I hide the happiness I want so desperately with a smile and tough shoulders to carry it all.

unlike her own

She told the story from her perspective, it was not far from the truth, a kind of dark shade of grey kind of truth. Her voice stayed low so the girl could only hear pieces of the half truth floating toward her. The girl always knew it would happen, as the woman never seemed to hold her tongue for very long; feeling a sense of relief that it was at least being acknowledged, let out a small breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her timing was interesting at best and as a smile played at her lips she remembered being in this very room a year ago with a smile that was only ever for this place, once a week for just over an hour. She melted back into happiness for that moment, remembering what it was like to have someone like that in her life again, someone who just understood with a look, a sigh, a gentle squeeze of a hand.
Tonight the woman was tainting a memory she didn't own; thankfully her voice was low and what she needed to share and attempt to spoil couldn't be done. The girl looked over only to see a quick flash of sadness on the woman's face before it was covered up with anger she wears saved only for this place. A slow sadness crept in before the memory had a chance to finish and right there she knew she could no longer be hurt by the woman knowing she didn't understand. All too suddenly it was time to go, one more hour sifted though as they both watched separately together.

found then lost

I found a kindred spirit, someone completely unexpected, but with one conversation I just knew you understood me, you got what made me click and I understood you in the same way. Found off the beaten path in an area unknown to only those of a similar interest, our daughters. It all started with a smile, and there it began, a friendship of complete understanding without having to say the words. It was simple and easy, it was fun and refreshing, seemingly never having its downs only up and ups. Conversations came easier, daily connections made us smile. The understanding, no hidden meaning, no secrets, just a relaxing friendship.
Swept aside like the dust on the front steps, it ended, completely unexpected. I guess it's the only proper ending, just as it had begun and just the opposite. Taken by surprise, no understanding, hidden meanings only known by the intrepretation of the receiver. Confusion, wondering, but no tears, no sadness. Simply watch it go, like a kite whose line ran out and wasn't connected. Maybe that is how our spirits were, only connected until the string reached it's end.

a year

A year ago I was stressing, I was worried, I panicked at least once a week
A year ago I cried tears that I didn't think would stop.
A year ago I leaned hard on everyone close to me.
A year ago I thought I may actually have to share a piece of me with someone who didn't want it.
A year ago I realized just how strong I really am.
This past year I found me.
This past year, I cried tears of joy more than I cried tears of sadness.
This past year I allowed myself to share me with someone else.
This past year my heart accepted love.
This past year I gave my love to someone else.
This past year I realized my 6 year old doesn't always need me.
This past year I took a deep breath and realized it is okay.
This year I will accomplish more than even I will think I can.
This year I will love unconditionally.
This year is a year of new beginnings.
This year I smile.

happiness is a great state of mind

I love music, but have a new found love for it lately. Country music is what makes my feet tap and my head nod in agreement but lately, I've found it sounds so much sweeter when I am sharing the ease of listening to music with someone else. Music seems to find those words that I don't know how to say aloud. Music makes me quiet when I start to ramble. Music makes me smile. Sharing this with someone is a great leap for me.
My main goal this summer is to enjoy life to the fullest, don't say no and go with the flow. I am succeeding with such a success rate I should be giving myself a big pat of the back! Oh wait, I did that already :) I never ever would have thought I would be a person who sets specific goals and then purposely deters from one or more for personal gain, yet that is what I am doing and I feel so good. Tonight, as I stare out the window into the darkness I catch a reflection of myself and for the first time I am not surprised in my expression. I see complete relaxation in my eyes and a half smile has formed on my lips. I smile as I type this and I have that great feeling deep down that this summer is going to be great.
Country music, firefly and lemonade, back porches and sharing friendship and of course my daughter. This is what I want my summer to hold for me. I will keep tapping my feet and smiling my favorite smile thinking just how lucky I am that life has given me a second chance.

it's with the Big Guy Now

For so long, I have been fighting a battle, mostly internal that turned outward and then it became messy. I feel as though this battle has been raging for so long, but in comparison it really hasn't been all that long. When something has the ability to affect me I tend to internalize and focus only on that one issue and walk blindly through my days using an auto-me. I smile, I laugh, I work, I'm a mom, I'm a friend but I've given myself up to something bigger than me. Until today, this afternoon actually I didn't give that a second thought. It was as though that is exactly what I expected of myself and looking back this time spent waging this battle has been a shiny blur. Something looked at through watery eyes and a heavy heart.
Words tonight, they are difficult to form a complete logical sentence and thought pattern, it's as though my fingers are not connected to my brain and my brain is not connected to my heart. Somewhere along the way, I have created a disconnect between reality and the life I am living.
For so long now, I have put myself on hold while I blithely watch the world pass me by. And pass me by it is still doing. I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel but stuck at the top, watching everything happen from afar. The feeling like, it doesn't necessarily matter if I have a say or not, regardless, LIFE GOES ON. That is such a tough concept to know that regardless of what I do, what I think, feel, act or say, LIFE GOES ON. But does it really go on as though it would have without this battle? I don't like to think so, I think if I took part in life as I should have, my impact would have made a difference, my impact would have affected my life in just the same way that me stand idly on the sidelines has affected my life.
Woah, word jumble! What I mean is, I do matter, I may be one voice, one body, one soul but I was made me for a reason. I was set out to grow throughout this lifetime and live with challenges and battles set in my path. If life were easy, afterlife would be hard. I know I don't want to spend my afterlife in a world of difficult. I want to earn my keep now, here on Earth and prove I am strong enough to make it where I want to be.
This battle I continue to mention, I have done my waging of war, I have donned my armor and stood up for what I believe in. Now, it is up to God to decide if I have behaved properly and stood for what I believe so strongly in.

waiting

Why do I set myself up for something so much bigger than what it really is?I’m so much more! At the end of the day I’m left with tears and pride. Pride is so much more important than keeping a person in my life, a person that i know in advance, will hurt. Without moving on, without the grieving process, I am but a pawn in a game. A game I'm not even sure I want to be playing right now. And how fitting the song, ' Consider me Gone ' is playing right now on the radio.
Every single day i know when i wake up I hit the alarm at least 3 times, then i shower. I don't get out of the shower until I have figured at least 2 possible outfits to wear to work. Lately, I have been having a VERY difficult time with this task. I then wake Emma after I am dressed and get her motivated. Long story short..breakfast, car with our daily necessities (coffee!) and off to school and work. Daily. Interrupted, unplanned events and thoughts are exactly what i have a problem with. I am someone who 'needs to know well in advance'. The only downside i see to this is the fact that i am passing the genetics and the teachings down to my daughter. Which in retrospect doesn't seem all that bad.
In my opinion, I have tried my hardest to end a relationship set up and doomed for failure. Yet something keeps us lingering. WHY??? I'll tell you why. It's the comfort zone. Its the known thought that each of you finds solace and relaxation in the other. It is completely friendship driven, mutually agreeable thoughts, and just comfort with the other person. But yet a damn title! Why is it we have to describe ourselves using a title with someone one else? Why do i have to be the employee of, the daughter of, the girlfriend of, the mother of?? I hate it all! I am me, and I love who I have turned into. so if that is the case, why am I still hiding like a secret? that the girl no one wants to hear or accept as the real me? Am i so scared to be me that i may possibly have lost the ability to be me?
I am such a strong woman playing the part i am currently in. I am shutting myself off from those who care about me. and here i thought i needed therapy for this! lol, i still do but can't afford it. Either way, as a coverall, I describe myself as a single mom. forever that is my first title. When will i be okay with adding to that? Why am i so scared to be able to let go? If i could let go, i would let in the thought, the ability and the actions to move forward in my life. I have frozen who i have become to the point that i no longer allow outside influences to hurt me.
I was just sent an email a few weeks ago that says we can only control 10% of our lives. It showed the point that we can control 10% and that is our reaction to the 90%. I share my reactions and hope for the best.

it happens when you know its going to happen

Relationships...in so many cases seem to define people. I have met so many new people on my path of freedom and in so many cases have been introduced as any of the following: 'the mother of', 'the daughter of', 'the son of', 'the child of', 'my boss is' etc.
Why is it that we find ourselves needing to define ourselves by others????
I want to end this right here, right now. For so long I have too been one of those people, but here, tonight i am me. My name is not important to those who don't actually know me, but I am me, college educated, single female, mother of an amazing 5 1/2 year old girl who attends parochial school and has such a loser father that i have the audacity to make him prove other wise. But at the end of the day, I am me, 5' 6" runner of 5K, friend of many, often mouthy, but so very loyal oh and such the typcial irish female!

To start a bit of a thought that has been running through my head recently, enough that i was blogging at work today in an email to myself at home, i want to share my continued thoughts on relationships that has been building over the past weeks.

An ending to any relationship has its mourning period. I was told recently that within a relationship once it ends, there is always two very distinct perspectives on the relationship. There is one person who has already mourned the 'loss' of the other person and has finally made the last break complete. The other person is left holding out their hands and finding them empty and maybe more than a little lost and broken hearted. Then there comes two sides to every story on just how to describe the relationship and when the mental break began.

I am 29 years old with less than a month to go before i say good-bye to my 20s and hello to the 30s. i have never officially been an age in the 30 range, but mentally I've been here for quite some time. Its just about time my body is catching up with my mind. I have yet one more failed relationship to add to my list and this time, like every other time, i am the person who has already mourned the loss and have left the other person with his hands face up empty handed wondering why. This time around though, there seems to be something missing.......

it's mostly that fear that i am single, the fear that i may not find the one who makes my heart flip and the fear that i may never fall madly in love. maybe, just maybe second best isn't so bad after all. but then i wake up from my selfish reality and know that second best is just the first losers point of view. When have I ever accepted being the first loser? ummm.. yes readers, NEVER!

So will carry on, I will put myself out there for Mr. AMAZING WONDERFUL and FANTASTIC and hope he realizes just what an amazing person he is getting in return to all my sacrifical offerings. by this i mean shorter showers, no longer leaving the curling iron plugged in all day, or the toaster(whooops!!! that one i did today for the 4th time!)
I am going to wow this world with my mommy expertise and my ability to almost wink, along with the oh so tempting newly famous turtle tattoo. (check back for pics!!!) I am a lover of life, keeper of mother earth and greener than green. Regardless of the men that may cross my path, I love me and I love my life.

it's time

When you plan your life out, it never seems to want to follow where you are trying to lead it. No matter what I may want for my life i have found that God wants something very different from what i think is good enough for me.
In some cases i could refer to parts of my life like a candy store and yet in others its like walking into an ocean filled with jellyfish. Regardless of what i was hoping for opening those doors or stepping foot into that water He has a bigger plan. I need to remember that and pray on it. I do, remember and pray that is, but at the end of the day when i let my thoughts wander and i let my mind play the game of pretend, i have been finding myself more melancholy than satisfied.
What do i do when i realize that the chapter in my life is over, but I'm not ready to flip the page and find out what happens in the next chapter? How will I ever know where the story ends and where the story begins with a new ending if I don't test the closed open door? Here is a great example, It has always been a dream of mine to move south and find myself a cowboy, yet year after year finds me here, cold in NY. My ultimate question, is it fate or my choices?
Choices always seem to throw me a curve late at night when I blog. All i know is, I am not here enough, and I don't seem to think life through long enough to see the results as they really are, with my glasses on and God at my side.

blogging is good for the soul

After having a confusing emotional week, I have rounded the week with a great time tonight. But I have now such emotional confusion. Its funny because I am such a big fan of reading my horoscope daily and have found a strange and particular connection with what has been the astrological signs for the week. I have been uncomfortable all week, on edge and feeling severely anxious with a fear of the unknown. This feeling has not been replicated in well over a year. I am led to believe this feeling is a precursor to things of change.
Tonight I was given a multitude of opportunities and did not follow through on any of them. I feel as though I am at such crossroads right now and am so hesitant to make the next decision. Choices are always difficult, but when coming to a potential end and a new beginning, I seem to freeze.
Without change, there is not freedom, without hope there is not wisdom, without freedom there is not change. The choice is never easy, but the ability to have the thoughts to make that choice begins with the freedom to begin anew.

friday nights

Tonight is an unusual night for me. I can be found spending some serious relaxing time with Emma after a long week, cooking dinner, maybe a night at the Y and a swim in the pool. Tonight though was different for so many reasons. Mainly, I did not spend the evening with Emma. I took a night, to myself to do with it, whatever I chose. And choose I did. An after work gathering of friends, some old, some work, and some newly made turned out to make an eclectic group of people who, altogether had a blast with one another.
I planned on staying quiet, which isn't hard in a group of people I don't know, but what surprised me, the energy felt tonight. It was as though there was something hidden in me i didn't know I had buried. I left tonight wondering for more, looking toward the future and having anticipation I didn't realize still could exist. If this is actually a feeling I could potentially have again isn't it worth having, or is it just easier to let it fall to the wayside and enjoy that one moment instead of wondering for more?

giving it your all

Each day I wake up, regretfully leaving my warm cozy bed in my warm cozy existence in dreamland and choose to give it my all to whatever the day may hand over to me. Over the past year I have been taking my life step by step, decision by decision and I have noticed what may seem obvious to most looking in...those individual steps and decisions make a larger more deeply impacted result on my life. This in turn has an impact on those who surround me.
Relationships are tough and require work, whether its with a family member, a coworker or a lover. I have taken many steps in the right direction toward healing myself and being as completely honest as i can allow myself to those I choose to surround myself with. What I noticed recently is that I have been keeping everyone at a nice safe distance from my personal life. Sure, I share thoughts and feelings and my time but at the end of the day I am on my own.
If I leave tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I won't be heartbroken. And to be honest, I have no idea how to fix it. I have created a gap between me and the world and right now it is so dangerous for me to cross it. I have been feeling so unsettled lately, so not myself and I can't explain it. Instead I run and I don't feel much better emotionally but at least I have exhausted my body to the point where the thoughts I did have are pushed aside by those of muscles screaming at me.
I'm sure my therapist would be having a field day with me right now, but the truth is I can't afford her, so instead I journal and blog. I am not sure I will ever be completely healed, but I am also not sure I want to be healed. I am so scared to see the world as it could be with me a part of it.

Stay at Home

If I had my own way, and I don't, I would be a stay at home mom with at least 4 children to raise where I am their main parental contact and guide. In the case of life that has been given to me, instead I work a full time job and a part time job and my daughter and I live home with my mom and brother and 2 cats.

I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.

Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.

Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.

Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.

Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.

Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.

Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.

End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.

final decision

It's always hard when thoughts are rolling around and I can't seem to make sense even when its all i can do to try and focus on them. All of a sudden, one seemingly insignficant event occurs and those thoughts come tumbling together making a startingly clear reality. Now i find myself looking back wondering exactly how long I have been thinking these misconstrued thoughts.

It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.

I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?

the corner around the bend

Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.

waiting on the clock

As females, we always seem to be waiting. whether it's in line at the grocery store, waiting for the clock to turn to 4pm so i can leave work and see my little one...or on the off chance i have plans, waiting on him. why do we care? why are we so in tune with a clock that no matter what time of day it is we always seem to be waiting?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?

the 'us' defination

I sit here typing listening to pandora..after a night of potential plans fall apart and we end up together, i listen to Kenny Chesney, anything but mine. And how fitting is that? I am anything but yours, but i still feel so connected. for the rest of my life, i am anything but yours..anything but not yours.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.