waiting

Why do I set myself up for something so much bigger than what it really is?I’m so much more! At the end of the day I’m left with tears and pride. Pride is so much more important than keeping a person in my life, a person that i know in advance, will hurt. Without moving on, without the grieving process, I am but a pawn in a game. A game I'm not even sure I want to be playing right now. And how fitting the song, ' Consider me Gone ' is playing right now on the radio.
Every single day i know when i wake up I hit the alarm at least 3 times, then i shower. I don't get out of the shower until I have figured at least 2 possible outfits to wear to work. Lately, I have been having a VERY difficult time with this task. I then wake Emma after I am dressed and get her motivated. Long story short..breakfast, car with our daily necessities (coffee!) and off to school and work. Daily. Interrupted, unplanned events and thoughts are exactly what i have a problem with. I am someone who 'needs to know well in advance'. The only downside i see to this is the fact that i am passing the genetics and the teachings down to my daughter. Which in retrospect doesn't seem all that bad.
In my opinion, I have tried my hardest to end a relationship set up and doomed for failure. Yet something keeps us lingering. WHY??? I'll tell you why. It's the comfort zone. Its the known thought that each of you finds solace and relaxation in the other. It is completely friendship driven, mutually agreeable thoughts, and just comfort with the other person. But yet a damn title! Why is it we have to describe ourselves using a title with someone one else? Why do i have to be the employee of, the daughter of, the girlfriend of, the mother of?? I hate it all! I am me, and I love who I have turned into. so if that is the case, why am I still hiding like a secret? that the girl no one wants to hear or accept as the real me? Am i so scared to be me that i may possibly have lost the ability to be me?
I am such a strong woman playing the part i am currently in. I am shutting myself off from those who care about me. and here i thought i needed therapy for this! lol, i still do but can't afford it. Either way, as a coverall, I describe myself as a single mom. forever that is my first title. When will i be okay with adding to that? Why am i so scared to be able to let go? If i could let go, i would let in the thought, the ability and the actions to move forward in my life. I have frozen who i have become to the point that i no longer allow outside influences to hurt me.
I was just sent an email a few weeks ago that says we can only control 10% of our lives. It showed the point that we can control 10% and that is our reaction to the 90%. I share my reactions and hope for the best.