I hate the catsup bottle turned upside, same with the BBQ sauce bottle...but if it's almost empty I'll flip them to get the most out. I like making plans, but if opportunity arises, I'll take it. Sometimes, it's better to just sit back and listen even if I want to speak my peace. So now, sometimes...'When my little girl has to write a story about a picture she has that made her smile and she picks one where she is turned upside down,' I just smile and shake my head. A random loud burp, singing country at the top of her lungs in true country twang, picking on me for short hair...it's all my little girl, but she's with an impact.
We've both changed in the past year and have added a bit to our list of 'who we are' and that other list of 'what we do'. Either way, we were impacted by our new little past in ways I never could have imagined. I hardly ever roll my eyes anymore and I miss that, but I don't miss the ear plugs. I found about 10 of them the other day rolling around in a top drawer and found myself smiling that half smile; thinking oh thank goodness I don't need those and yet thinking awww I don't need those. What a topsy turvy thought rolling through.
Each moment has an impact on the future; at the time I had no idea just how it would be today. Oh the stories I have heard repeated, similar to those stories from the past, the ones shared over and over to keep a memory fresh that can never be replaced by a newer memory. The choice I made to keep my heart protected inevitably involves little Lou and starts her new past stories a fresh.
No matter, I'm thankful for the time shared, for what I've learned, the smiles I've made and the tears I've cried. In my eyes it was all good, because it's better to remember the good and laugh of the silly and forget the rest.
Showing posts with label Emma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emma. Show all posts
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Monday, May 7, 2012
it's all about the game
She tried to be nonchalant walking behind her daughter, having her
walk toward the coach to hand back her tag from the previous game she
coached and attempted to walk back toward her blanket. Oh, but he was
a step ahead of her having her keep it only to take it and place it
around her neck with a knowing smile, following it with the words she
longed but dreaded to hear, you can keep this for the rest of the
season, Coach.
It was an amazing rush to be back on the sidelines, knowing for the
rest of the season she was back as one of them, but not in the lead.
She was able to do it for the fun of it, ignore the parents and let
the head Coach take care of those issues. The love of the game was
back in her grasp. Next week, she’ll be prepared, flip flops will be
left in the car, jeans swapped for yoga pants, hat instead of
sunglasses, and her infamous pink watch to guide her throughout the
game.
walk toward the coach to hand back her tag from the previous game she
coached and attempted to walk back toward her blanket. Oh, but he was
a step ahead of her having her keep it only to take it and place it
around her neck with a knowing smile, following it with the words she
longed but dreaded to hear, you can keep this for the rest of the
season, Coach.
It was an amazing rush to be back on the sidelines, knowing for the
rest of the season she was back as one of them, but not in the lead.
She was able to do it for the fun of it, ignore the parents and let
the head Coach take care of those issues. The love of the game was
back in her grasp. Next week, she’ll be prepared, flip flops will be
left in the car, jeans swapped for yoga pants, hat instead of
sunglasses, and her infamous pink watch to guide her throughout the
game.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
it's never the past
Just when I think all is right in my world, a twist gets thrown into what is settling into becoming an overall very good year. Thinking about it now, my stomach cringes and tears come to my eyes, again. Tonight I cried so hard and sobbed so loud my daughter heard and continued to ask me if I was okay. I haven't cried those painful tears in such a long time, I really had thought they were buried in my past. Today I realized, it will never go away. No matter how much I pray, one decision for the rest of my life is a mark on my soul like a birthmark i wear as my own. I chose to mark my soul, so forever I will carry my burden. I will not beg to lighten my load, only those who are weak ask for help. Instead, tonight, I will let my tears fall and revel in the pain I thought I had overcome. Tomorrow I will hold my head strong and I will begin my fight again, only as a true warrior knows how.
There are very few times I have shown my daughter I am weak. She knows it is okay to cry, to talk about our emotions, but to see and hear me break down and let the sobs wrack me to the core... it's just not something I do. Some say the only true way to be a parent is to show your child you are weak and human. I agree, but tonight was not a lesson in weakness, tonight was a lesson in just being tired. When something has been accomplished, we file it away and although it's put into it's proper place, its memory lingers, to bring that memory quickly and sharply to the forefront when already I am surrounded by sadness and pain, the ache comes back full force.
In my gut I feel what I can only describe as a bad idea...very bad ideas seem to surround me with this. For the first time in my life, I have seen the poison in its clearest form and when all I want to do is run from it, I instead must figure out the antidote because I've already drank it.
There are very few times I have shown my daughter I am weak. She knows it is okay to cry, to talk about our emotions, but to see and hear me break down and let the sobs wrack me to the core... it's just not something I do. Some say the only true way to be a parent is to show your child you are weak and human. I agree, but tonight was not a lesson in weakness, tonight was a lesson in just being tired. When something has been accomplished, we file it away and although it's put into it's proper place, its memory lingers, to bring that memory quickly and sharply to the forefront when already I am surrounded by sadness and pain, the ache comes back full force.
In my gut I feel what I can only describe as a bad idea...very bad ideas seem to surround me with this. For the first time in my life, I have seen the poison in its clearest form and when all I want to do is run from it, I instead must figure out the antidote because I've already drank it.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
its just callled life
It has been so long since i have had the time to sit and blog. And, being here, able to type at 12:13 in the afternoon is a first! Today is July 4Th, the day our country celebrates it's birth. On this day six years ago, I brought my little girl home from the hospital to a new world full of unknowns. Daily we discover what we didn't know the day before. Daily, we handle experiences that I never would have thought could cross my path.
Everyday is a new day to choose just how I will handle what God had given me. Some days the dose is small and others, like today, I look and stare at the current dose and wonder just how am i going to manage that?! Because each day is a new day, and I get to wake up to the life I choose to live, I don't need to wonder what has gone wrong I don't need to wonder how I will fix it, because I trust that I am doing everything in my power to follow God's path and find the righteous way. I may have to make choices I wish I didn't and I may react in a way someone else may not, and I have even been known to jump at something and look back realizing I could have done something else instead. But I know I can't change the past, I know everything happens for a reason, I know that I live my life in the best way that I can. Because of this, I am so deep down happy. I wake up with a smile each morning, place my feet on my rug and thank God I have been blessed with an amazing daughter and an amazing mother to share my morning routine with.
Without trials and tribulations, without the test of wills and patience, without the heartache and the mistrust I would not be able to fully appreciate the life that has been given to me to live and share with those around me. I am a good person who accepts there is evil and bad in my life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. With this bit of poison comes challenge. I used to think that someday, this challenge in my life would get a bit less difficult and it still may; for today I believe it will be one of the biggest challenges I will ever have to face. This makes me such a better person! This challenge makes me appreciate the smaller things in life, somethings so simple anyone else may overlook them.
My life is great and when someone asks, 'How are you doing?', my response may vary with the word choice, but the end point is always the same....'I am amazing, wonderful, great, fabulous, happy, smiling, pleased or accomplished.' I keep the poison down by chasing it with a smile and a happy thought. Rid the body of toxins but keep in mind what it can do to me if I let it fester and consume me.
I am me, single mom, smiling and happy.
Everyday is a new day to choose just how I will handle what God had given me. Some days the dose is small and others, like today, I look and stare at the current dose and wonder just how am i going to manage that?! Because each day is a new day, and I get to wake up to the life I choose to live, I don't need to wonder what has gone wrong I don't need to wonder how I will fix it, because I trust that I am doing everything in my power to follow God's path and find the righteous way. I may have to make choices I wish I didn't and I may react in a way someone else may not, and I have even been known to jump at something and look back realizing I could have done something else instead. But I know I can't change the past, I know everything happens for a reason, I know that I live my life in the best way that I can. Because of this, I am so deep down happy. I wake up with a smile each morning, place my feet on my rug and thank God I have been blessed with an amazing daughter and an amazing mother to share my morning routine with.
Without trials and tribulations, without the test of wills and patience, without the heartache and the mistrust I would not be able to fully appreciate the life that has been given to me to live and share with those around me. I am a good person who accepts there is evil and bad in my life that I cannot change no matter how hard I try. With this bit of poison comes challenge. I used to think that someday, this challenge in my life would get a bit less difficult and it still may; for today I believe it will be one of the biggest challenges I will ever have to face. This makes me such a better person! This challenge makes me appreciate the smaller things in life, somethings so simple anyone else may overlook them.
My life is great and when someone asks, 'How are you doing?', my response may vary with the word choice, but the end point is always the same....'I am amazing, wonderful, great, fabulous, happy, smiling, pleased or accomplished.' I keep the poison down by chasing it with a smile and a happy thought. Rid the body of toxins but keep in mind what it can do to me if I let it fester and consume me.
I am me, single mom, smiling and happy.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
it's with the Big Guy Now
For so long, I have been fighting a battle, mostly internal that turned outward and then it became messy. I feel as though this battle has been raging for so long, but in comparison it really hasn't been all that long. When something has the ability to affect me I tend to internalize and focus only on that one issue and walk blindly through my days using an auto-me. I smile, I laugh, I work, I'm a mom, I'm a friend but I've given myself up to something bigger than me. Until today, this afternoon actually I didn't give that a second thought. It was as though that is exactly what I expected of myself and looking back this time spent waging this battle has been a shiny blur. Something looked at through watery eyes and a heavy heart.
Words tonight, they are difficult to form a complete logical sentence and thought pattern, it's as though my fingers are not connected to my brain and my brain is not connected to my heart. Somewhere along the way, I have created a disconnect between reality and the life I am living.
For so long now, I have put myself on hold while I blithely watch the world pass me by. And pass me by it is still doing. I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel but stuck at the top, watching everything happen from afar. The feeling like, it doesn't necessarily matter if I have a say or not, regardless, LIFE GOES ON. That is such a tough concept to know that regardless of what I do, what I think, feel, act or say, LIFE GOES ON. But does it really go on as though it would have without this battle? I don't like to think so, I think if I took part in life as I should have, my impact would have made a difference, my impact would have affected my life in just the same way that me stand idly on the sidelines has affected my life.
Woah, word jumble! What I mean is, I do matter, I may be one voice, one body, one soul but I was made me for a reason. I was set out to grow throughout this lifetime and live with challenges and battles set in my path. If life were easy, afterlife would be hard. I know I don't want to spend my afterlife in a world of difficult. I want to earn my keep now, here on Earth and prove I am strong enough to make it where I want to be.
This battle I continue to mention, I have done my waging of war, I have donned my armor and stood up for what I believe in. Now, it is up to God to decide if I have behaved properly and stood for what I believe so strongly in.
Words tonight, they are difficult to form a complete logical sentence and thought pattern, it's as though my fingers are not connected to my brain and my brain is not connected to my heart. Somewhere along the way, I have created a disconnect between reality and the life I am living.
For so long now, I have put myself on hold while I blithely watch the world pass me by. And pass me by it is still doing. I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel but stuck at the top, watching everything happen from afar. The feeling like, it doesn't necessarily matter if I have a say or not, regardless, LIFE GOES ON. That is such a tough concept to know that regardless of what I do, what I think, feel, act or say, LIFE GOES ON. But does it really go on as though it would have without this battle? I don't like to think so, I think if I took part in life as I should have, my impact would have made a difference, my impact would have affected my life in just the same way that me stand idly on the sidelines has affected my life.
Woah, word jumble! What I mean is, I do matter, I may be one voice, one body, one soul but I was made me for a reason. I was set out to grow throughout this lifetime and live with challenges and battles set in my path. If life were easy, afterlife would be hard. I know I don't want to spend my afterlife in a world of difficult. I want to earn my keep now, here on Earth and prove I am strong enough to make it where I want to be.
This battle I continue to mention, I have done my waging of war, I have donned my armor and stood up for what I believe in. Now, it is up to God to decide if I have behaved properly and stood for what I believe so strongly in.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
deflation
The hardest part of realizing I am no longer following the path I thought I was on is recognizing that no matter how hard I try, it doesn't change the outside influences on my life. The choices I make, the decisions I come to, the energy and effort I put into things makes me feel better. It does not change the Ultimate Plan He has in store for me. Today, I am truly sad and feeling so let down by the world in which I live. A world where, if you lie, cheat, steal and do awful things, intentionally hurt other people and are just a nasty person, it really does matter because the people who make the rules get to believe you. Because if you can do this and walk away with a clean conscience; you are hurting is everyone around you and the most insane part is you don't even care that you are doing it.
I never make wishes because I like to think anything I want I can go after and I can accomplish it. Today, I am making wishes because I can't accomplish everything, and I can't conquer this world we live in. I wish, I lived in a time when people didn't intentionally hurt other people, regardless of the reason. I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer at the hands of evil and I wish I could do something more than I am to keep her safe from harm.
I don't care if my life is hard, it is supposed to be. If life was easy everyone would make it into Heaven. I don't want Emma's life to be harder than it has to be just because I made a bad choice. Yes, she is the one amazing, great miracle to come out of a bad choice that I made over 6 years ago.
I make this oath today, I will never, ever make that bad choice ever again. I am me from now until the day I die. I will do whatever I can to make this black mark in my life right and I will protect my daughter from my bad choice or die trying.
I never make wishes because I like to think anything I want I can go after and I can accomplish it. Today, I am making wishes because I can't accomplish everything, and I can't conquer this world we live in. I wish, I lived in a time when people didn't intentionally hurt other people, regardless of the reason. I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer at the hands of evil and I wish I could do something more than I am to keep her safe from harm.
I don't care if my life is hard, it is supposed to be. If life was easy everyone would make it into Heaven. I don't want Emma's life to be harder than it has to be just because I made a bad choice. Yes, she is the one amazing, great miracle to come out of a bad choice that I made over 6 years ago.
I make this oath today, I will never, ever make that bad choice ever again. I am me from now until the day I die. I will do whatever I can to make this black mark in my life right and I will protect my daughter from my bad choice or die trying.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
worrisome mom
The battle I fight as a mom is something completely different than the battle I fight as a woman. I still feel the tension of fights to come and battles to wage even though the outcome is no longer in my control. I try so hard, every single day, to do the right thing for you, Emma, and thankfully you don't realize there is a fight going on surrounding you. I try, so hard, every single day, to keep you safe, to keep you thinking as a 5 1/2 year old little girl is to think, to play only as kindergarten children know how. I also know that you realize there is a tension that surrounds you and you also have the smarts to know the tension is a direct correlation to you and to me.
Soon, my little girl, this fight will be over yet no one will have won. I only pray your life will be a bit easier; hope you will be the little 5 1/2 year old girl who gets to be 5 1/2, where your toughest decisions for the day will be what to have for breakfast or who to sit with for lunch or what color marker you choose to start off your picture. Life won't always be this easy, choices are not so black and white; for now little one, your mommy will keep you safe or die trying.
I told you tonight, I have you walk in front of me so I can always see you; you pointed out that when I'm not behind you, I can't see you. A simple statement like that holds so much more meaning for me than you. But you, my precious little girl, you know it's as simple as that, I can't see you if I am not behind you. NO matter what, no matter where you are in life, my little girl, I will always be behind you, and yes you will always be my little girl.
Soon, my little girl, this fight will be over yet no one will have won. I only pray your life will be a bit easier; hope you will be the little 5 1/2 year old girl who gets to be 5 1/2, where your toughest decisions for the day will be what to have for breakfast or who to sit with for lunch or what color marker you choose to start off your picture. Life won't always be this easy, choices are not so black and white; for now little one, your mommy will keep you safe or die trying.
I told you tonight, I have you walk in front of me so I can always see you; you pointed out that when I'm not behind you, I can't see you. A simple statement like that holds so much more meaning for me than you. But you, my precious little girl, you know it's as simple as that, I can't see you if I am not behind you. NO matter what, no matter where you are in life, my little girl, I will always be behind you, and yes you will always be my little girl.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
my little girl
In re-reading some of my latest posts, I have noticed that they are very one sided. Nothing to do with anyone other than myself, my feelings and my thoughts. I am fine with the 'my thoughts' part of the blogs, I am the only one who is writing them, but I am not okay with the 'myself' part. Somewhere in the past few months I have lost the thoughts of my daughter inside my mind and haven't shared them as I so freely share my own trials and tribulations.
My little girl. Emma Marie, or Emma Lou, or lately, Lou. She has the most grandiose ideas and give her and inch she'll make a marathon out of it and not even blink, she'll just look at me with her head tilted sideways and the curls bobbing and wink. At 29, I learned along with Emma, who is 5 and 1/2 as I write this, how to wink. Mine is no where near as nice as her winking, but still we can both do it (just hers better than mine). But I digress on a separate topic all together.
About 3 weeks ago, I had finally decided it was about time for my little girl to sleep through the night, in her own bed, and not wake me just because she rolled over and woke up a little bit. A grand plan had emerged in my mind through the points system. If Emma was able to sleep through the night for 4 out of 7 nights in one week, beginning on Sunday we would have an Emma day. Well...then I decided we would have a bunch of ideas to pick from and I suggested Albany Art Room as her 'prize'.
This is how the rest of the story went:
She was so excited jumping up and down, me thinking the whole time...nice she is this excited about Tye-dying a shirt for less than $8 bucks. When all of a sudden she does an air pump with her fist and says, "I can't wait to go back and paint a puppy for the puppy I made the last time."
"WOAH, what??? Oh no, no, no. That isn't what i said, I didn't say Pottery Place, I said Albany Art Room where you can do Tye-dye."
I then get the head turning sideways, the curls bobbing and the little wink, "but mommy you said I can have an Emma day."
"Yes, Yes I did. Okay lets try this then, 5 days of sleeping through the night?"
"Oh no, you said 4. That's the deal."
So, I was talked out of Albany Art Room and somehow convinced that all along I meant Pottery Place. I wouldn't want the first ceramic puppy that cost me $27 to be all by itself right?? I do, really do want to spend another $27 so these ceramic puppies can be friends, fall in love, and get married. Then we will have to go back and make ceramic puppies!
To close, yes, Emma did sleep 4 nights in a row, but just to be grandiose, she added another night to it making it a total of 5!!!! So, i am sleeping like a champ and at the low price of $27.
My little girl. Emma Marie, or Emma Lou, or lately, Lou. She has the most grandiose ideas and give her and inch she'll make a marathon out of it and not even blink, she'll just look at me with her head tilted sideways and the curls bobbing and wink. At 29, I learned along with Emma, who is 5 and 1/2 as I write this, how to wink. Mine is no where near as nice as her winking, but still we can both do it (just hers better than mine). But I digress on a separate topic all together.
About 3 weeks ago, I had finally decided it was about time for my little girl to sleep through the night, in her own bed, and not wake me just because she rolled over and woke up a little bit. A grand plan had emerged in my mind through the points system. If Emma was able to sleep through the night for 4 out of 7 nights in one week, beginning on Sunday we would have an Emma day. Well...then I decided we would have a bunch of ideas to pick from and I suggested Albany Art Room as her 'prize'.
This is how the rest of the story went:
She was so excited jumping up and down, me thinking the whole time...nice she is this excited about Tye-dying a shirt for less than $8 bucks. When all of a sudden she does an air pump with her fist and says, "I can't wait to go back and paint a puppy for the puppy I made the last time."
"WOAH, what??? Oh no, no, no. That isn't what i said, I didn't say Pottery Place, I said Albany Art Room where you can do Tye-dye."
I then get the head turning sideways, the curls bobbing and the little wink, "but mommy you said I can have an Emma day."
"Yes, Yes I did. Okay lets try this then, 5 days of sleeping through the night?"
"Oh no, you said 4. That's the deal."
So, I was talked out of Albany Art Room and somehow convinced that all along I meant Pottery Place. I wouldn't want the first ceramic puppy that cost me $27 to be all by itself right?? I do, really do want to spend another $27 so these ceramic puppies can be friends, fall in love, and get married. Then we will have to go back and make ceramic puppies!
To close, yes, Emma did sleep 4 nights in a row, but just to be grandiose, she added another night to it making it a total of 5!!!! So, i am sleeping like a champ and at the low price of $27.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
acceptance
Have you ever had one of those amazing weekends where Sunday night comes to an end and your still awake replaying every moment in your mind? That is pretty much how my night has played out for the past hour or so. I should be exhausted, and I am, daylight savings should right now be kicking my butt, yet it's not, and I am still up. I am playing in my mind the entire weekend's events beginning with Thursday night.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.
The entire week leading up to this has been spent making candy bats, ghosts, pumpkins, cats, etc. If its Halloween related, I am making it in chocolate. Emma is having her first Halloween party as a kindergartner and I feel obligated to go above and beyond my normal call of mom duties to make Halloween candy figures that only I and the other mothers will appreciate as their children are devouring the candy. By Thursday night, with the help of Emma, I am finishing stuffing Halloween goodie bags that will house the candy as well as a Halloween craft I found at Michael's Craft. As I am in the store looking for goodie bags to put the candy in, I had this brilliant idea to offset the candy with a craft. Yes not so brilliant by Thursday night. Alas, its only about an hour past the time i should be getting Emma ready for bed and we have completed 23 goodie bags for school and an additional 7 for the soccer team for Saturday.
By the time I fell into my bed, failing to wash my face, leaving on my necklace and completely not caring that i only used about 1/3 of the toothpaste recommended, I am so very thankful I have taken Friday off! Friday was an amazing view into a stay at home mom's on the go's lifestyle. First we drop nana off at her work (she has a broken RIGHT foot and has become my 2nd child who i can leave alone and know no bad will come of it) then head to Holy Spirit for the very first Kindergarten Mass in the gym. My little one had to say 2 lines in a row and had to offer up a prayer for the principal. I was never a prouder mom than that moment. I am also sure I was the only mom who had tears threatening to leave my eyes and find my chin but I did not care. After mass, this story gets so much better, I am free for the next 2 1/2 hrs until Halloween parade and party.
Where did i spend a good portion of that time? At the Y on the treadmill and killing my abs on a machine that must have been invented by a man. Lunch with a friend, and a quick glass of wine leads me back to the school.
This is where all the fun begins. My child, who for a while I thought was permanently attached through something invisible can now do everything herself and at her Halloween party, sits on the complete opposite side of her classroom than me, the mom who has taken the entire week and devoted it to making candies!! She was amazing, a witch of course. Saturday is a great soccer game where Emma scored 2 goals! Trick or treating began in our neighborhood and quickly fizzled out due to lack of people answering the door. We moved on to our first invite to an annual Halloween party from one of Emma's friends at school. Dinner and playtime then trick or treating in a downpour where for about 70% of the time, my little one stayed under her own umbrella. Home to crash hard!!! A nice visit from the boyfriend who I think has begun to grow a sprout or two on me and I think, I think I am beginning to like that.
Throughout the course of all the weekend's events, and all pf the planning, I have had a nagging sense of something that was being pushed only so far into my mind but only for a fleeting moment. By the time I had realized there was something seemingly important I should be paying attention to, the thought was gone. At this exact moment, I think i have a better grasp on what was hiding from my thoughts, but until its out there, I can't be sure.
I have finally begun to accept exactly who I am and where I am in life. This may sound simple and a big duh may be forming, but back to a previous post where unless your on the outside looking in, the view from here is never the same. This weekend was hard for me and not because of the craziness I like to call the life I lead. This weekend, my first 'holiday' where I have had no contact, no stresses, no worries and no view into my old life. Putting that sentence out there is hard, realizing that last night was enough to refill my glass a few more times than necessary. I am now starting new traditions, new friends and new networks.
I have been given a second chance to make the right decisions and so far, every single decision I have made has felt so very right. I have accepted who I am and what I can do for those around me. I am me, I am fun and unique and caring. At the end of the day, I check on my daughter to make sure she is warm enough in bed and has a snuggle animal to keep her feeling safe. I brush my teeth and flop into bed and know tomorrow is going to be a great day.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Stay at Home
If I had my own way, and I don't, I would be a stay at home mom with at least 4 children to raise where I am their main parental contact and guide. In the case of life that has been given to me, instead I work a full time job and a part time job and my daughter and I live home with my mom and brother and 2 cats.
I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.
Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.
Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.
Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.
Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.
Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.
Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.
End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.
I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.
Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.
Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.
Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.
Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.
Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.
Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.
End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
the corner around the bend
Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
the 'us' defination
I sit here typing listening to pandora..after a night of potential plans fall apart and we end up together, i listen to Kenny Chesney, anything but mine. And how fitting is that? I am anything but yours, but i still feel so connected. for the rest of my life, i am anything but yours..anything but not yours.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
the fitting
Emma and I went for her uniform fitting this afternoon after pre-school. Attending kindergarten is not a surprise to her. We had signed up back in January and on a regular basis the topic is brought up. Today though, trying on the uniform, the actual thought of kindergarten had my little one and me in tears. I was on my knees attempting to console a very inconsolable 4 1/2 year old little girl in a plaid jumper.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
runner in training
Emma and I had an impromptu home day on Monday. Since the weather has been so nice out, i have been running outside. Once we had taken care of all morning chores and did sufficient relaxing, I decided to go for a run and push Emma in the stroller. Yes, i know she is 4 1/2, but 3 miles for me is huge let alone Emma.
Dressed in our running gear with the music ready to go, we head out for a run. It was hard, i never ran and pushed a stroller before and Emma was so happy to feel her having the wind blowing in her face. Once she was bored of it, she wanted to run with me. After about 30 seconds of running we stopped, took a break and found some nice rocks....did another run, stopped again played some pooh sticks in the stream...ran again...stopped, pet the horses and ran one last time. All said and done I ran over 3 miles, but it took us over an hour. So my run turned into a nice afternoon workout.
After religion class last night, on our way home Emma asked me where i was going and I told
her the gym to run. She tells me she wants to run again because her arms
and legs are not as skinny as when she woke up from her nap (the other day)
meaning Tuesday when i picked her up from school... we had this long conversation about how she had noticed when she woke up from nap, her arms and legs were 'much skinnier' than when she lay down to take her nap. I asked Emma why she thought that was and she said it was from all the running she did on our home day silly. I mean what was i thinking????
Anyway...long story short, Emma had asked me when we could run again and see the horses since the horses were out on our run. So apparently, I now have a new running partner (and a stroller and a few carrots and apples to feed the horses) Along the way, we will have some rocks and may play pooh sticks too.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
its about learning
I stayed in tonight, my one night every other week that i am not with Emma. In the beginning it was so hard. I would cry and cry knowing she wasn't with me. But as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. And it does. It has taught me i am a better mom for giving Emma the chance to be with her dad. And, it has enabled me to find myself, who I am and who I want to be.
Tonight, with a glass of wine, some corn dip and comfy clothing, i watched 'Nights in Rodanthe' and I cried. I hurt for the pain of losing someone who has given themselves so completely to someone else that mourning is brought to a level i hope i will never have to bear witness to.
I learned more about me tonight.
I learned I will hold out.
I learned I want someone to love me so much it hurts in the way that it feels good.
I learned I won't go back.
I learned I am strong enough to be home, alone, without Emma and cry not because she isn't with me, but because I watched a good movie that touched my soul and made me feel things I haven't allowed myself to feel in a long time.
I learned I can still love.
Tonight, with a glass of wine, some corn dip and comfy clothing, i watched 'Nights in Rodanthe' and I cried. I hurt for the pain of losing someone who has given themselves so completely to someone else that mourning is brought to a level i hope i will never have to bear witness to.
I learned more about me tonight.
I learned I will hold out.
I learned I want someone to love me so much it hurts in the way that it feels good.
I learned I won't go back.
I learned I am strong enough to be home, alone, without Emma and cry not because she isn't with me, but because I watched a good movie that touched my soul and made me feel things I haven't allowed myself to feel in a long time.
I learned I can still love.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
watchful
I am very watchful of who has the privlege to meet my daughter. About 95% of the people are female. On the off chance i run into a male friend or acquaintance, i have never bothered to introduce Emma. But now, she is 4 and 1/2 and asking questions about everything and everyone.
Funny story, we were in church on a Sunday morning and she asked in her not so whisper voice why the old guy next to us had a tank. I quietly explained it helped him breathe and he was not necessarily old, just older than her. But seriously who am I kidding? She is 4 and 1/2 and he had to be almost 75...to her he is OLD! She thinks I am old...even though i tell her I am still just a kid. Lucky for me, and unlucky for me Emma picks up on everything.
Back to introductions. When exactly is it okay to have her know who i run into at the grocery store?
And, if i am thinking about quite possibly finding someone of the opposite sex attractive, (ha like that is going to happen in the next 5 years!) what is protocol for the meet? How would I even think about going about it? Lets face it..i haven't had a date in over 6 years! What in the world do I even know about dating? What is the protocol for a single mom to date? I think that is the best question yet!
Okay, so i know the basics, if i feel good, i look good. Like Stephanie says, a glass of wine to take off the edge...but still. The nerves are already rising just thinking about this!
But there is a guy and i do think he is cute...and once i get beyond the nerves...its more than one sorry Steph...i think he is a nice guy. But i am so jaded. No, not jaded..just hurt and mistrustful. Saddened by the fact that I did not find happily ever after with the man who made the promise. When exactly will i get past those feelings? Then the extra bonus the total mistrust? The lack of faith in the opposite sex? The feeling that no matter what he says or what he does, he has an alterior motive.
He thinks he is my rebound..i say rebound to what a crappy 2 years? Hello! Yes you are!! Oh, here comes another one...what exactly is a rebound relationship? Why is it called a rebound? Oh the questions and thankfully oh the therapy. :)
When do i draw the line in the sand and say should i cross this?
Funny story, we were in church on a Sunday morning and she asked in her not so whisper voice why the old guy next to us had a tank. I quietly explained it helped him breathe and he was not necessarily old, just older than her. But seriously who am I kidding? She is 4 and 1/2 and he had to be almost 75...to her he is OLD! She thinks I am old...even though i tell her I am still just a kid. Lucky for me, and unlucky for me Emma picks up on everything.
Back to introductions. When exactly is it okay to have her know who i run into at the grocery store?
And, if i am thinking about quite possibly finding someone of the opposite sex attractive, (ha like that is going to happen in the next 5 years!) what is protocol for the meet? How would I even think about going about it? Lets face it..i haven't had a date in over 6 years! What in the world do I even know about dating? What is the protocol for a single mom to date? I think that is the best question yet!
Okay, so i know the basics, if i feel good, i look good. Like Stephanie says, a glass of wine to take off the edge...but still. The nerves are already rising just thinking about this!
But there is a guy and i do think he is cute...and once i get beyond the nerves...its more than one sorry Steph...i think he is a nice guy. But i am so jaded. No, not jaded..just hurt and mistrustful. Saddened by the fact that I did not find happily ever after with the man who made the promise. When exactly will i get past those feelings? Then the extra bonus the total mistrust? The lack of faith in the opposite sex? The feeling that no matter what he says or what he does, he has an alterior motive.
He thinks he is my rebound..i say rebound to what a crappy 2 years? Hello! Yes you are!! Oh, here comes another one...what exactly is a rebound relationship? Why is it called a rebound? Oh the questions and thankfully oh the therapy. :)
When do i draw the line in the sand and say should i cross this?
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