Completely Unattainable

I've had a very successful and happy childhood.  My parents made sure I was able to try any sport I was interested in, from soccer to softball (where a rogue bat landed in my stomach) to lacrosse.  All along the way I danced.  The most amazing feeling I've ever had, to this day, is the feeling of slipping on my tap shoes and the anticipation of hearing the simple noise that comes with walking across the floor in preparation to tap.  I never made it to Julliard but that was never my goal.  I was happy, completely and implicitly happy when I was dancing.  It was never a competition, just a challenge to conquer the next step.  The sports were a secondary test to see if anything ever came a close second.  I found running my junior year of high school all because of a few close friends.  The feeling is completely different but the accomplishment is the same, I can do it. I can pass mile marker 3, then 4 then 5.

So fabulous me who has figured out just how to make me happy can't seem to figure out how to keep someone who makes me happy.  It's as though I don't allow the outside to come help add the cheer and smile I know I can instantly produce.  Is it lack of trust?  Is it fear of failure? Is it the inability to know what will happen in the future?  I know when I run, it may not be one of my best runs, but I did it, me and only me.
I met the man I thought I would marry in high school, turns out I was wrong.  Then I met the man who 'took me from me' and that pretty much sucked the entire life out of me.  Next up a great guy who would never measure up.  Between those two was someone I thought would be my knight in shining armor but it turned out he was just a manipulative deceiver.  As of late, I have finally fixed myself from losing myself  and did meet the man of my dreams; sadly I couldn't be what he needed. Let me be completely honest, I wasn't what he wanted. Here meet the present tense.  I've met someone amazing, there is no pretense, no dramatics, and no chance.

So I wonder, is it me that is completely unattainable as I continue to travel down the path of the nevers, making sure that only I am the one who has control over my happiness.  I'm in control of me all of the time; I want so much and give so little.  It's the fear of losing control and it's what makes me susceptible to lovely small time frames, blips of life that will never continue.  Tonight my thoughts are wandering in the present tense and wonder the what if's but know deep down those what if's are exactly that.

tired of the rain

I haven't felt like posting for a while now.  Life happens, I move on, I move back, I move forward. It's not the life I had planned on, but then again each day doesn't always work out as I had planned.  On my way home the other day, I heard this song and was tempted to pull over just to listen with my whole self.  Seeing as the drive was middle of I-90, I didn't.  Instead of writing how I feel tonight, this song tells it like it is.

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain) - Gary Allen"

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free

a little bit mean

I haven't been feeling myself in a while, I think the weather and all that comes with me losing Summer; the ease of walking outside in the warmth without layers has finally made it's doomsday arrival.  That is the sunshine and rainbows me, the me who thinks lovely little happy thoughts all the time.
This new me, the me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry knows it goes deeper into my self-worth.  I have found I just really don't like me right now.  To be quite honest, I am very disappointed in me and how I've turned out these past 10 years.  Nothing is as I had planned it.  The further I can keep myself from others the better they are but the worse off I feel.

This weekend I had a great opportunity to lounge and enjoy a bit of me time for 8 hours alone!  I had plans but ended up cancelling them due to bad weather and an overall permanent gray cloud hanging around me for the past week.

After a failed attempt to just enjoy a relaxing day, I did some serious internal reflection .  For the first time since it happened, I realized I am still hurt.  After over 16 years I am still hurt by my best friend who just left me as a friend one day.  To this day I have NO  closure from it's happening; when I did see her about 4 years later mid-way through college she looked at me with such hate and detest I left with an apology to the mutual friend.  So, it does explain to me the path I had taken over the course of my friendship years.  I fail to keep anyone close to me, I drop and pick up friends easily, but no one really seems to know the true me.  I thought I was a trustful person but I am not.  To this very moment, I do not trust the people I currently associate with.  All along, I assumed it was them but after this weekend, I know now it is me.

This brings me back to being mean.  In bailing this weekend I was not a great friend, but she understood.  Tonight though, I was awful.  I was mean to my little one, and she took it.  Just stood there and took it.  And i'm not talking being mean just once, I was mean on and off for about an hour.  WHY??????  HOW??? How can i call myself a good parent after that? I did NOT MEAN IT. 

It all came out mean and wrong each time I said something! I apologized after climbing in bed and snuggling up for a good read and some old fashioned mommy love, but the damage is done and other than I'm sorry, there is nothing more I can do.  Oh how I loathe myself right now.  If only I could take it back, instead I write it, to get out the poison that I threw at her with hurtful words and looks.

I feel like a live wire waiting to snap and explode.  I run but it's not enough.  I'm not the happy person I used to be.  I have lost something along the way and I don't know where I left it. 

unlike her own

She told the story from her perspective, it was not far from the truth, a kind of dark shade of grey kind of truth. Her voice stayed low so the girl could only hear pieces of the half truth floating toward her. The girl always knew it would happen, as the woman never seemed to hold her tongue for very long; feeling a sense of relief that it was at least being acknowledged, let out a small breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her timing was interesting at best and as a smile played at her lips she remembered being in this very room a year ago with a smile that was only ever for this place, once a week for just over an hour. She melted back into happiness for that moment, remembering what it was like to have someone like that in her life again, someone who just understood with a look, a sigh, a gentle squeeze of a hand.
Tonight the woman was tainting a memory she didn't own; thankfully her voice was low and what she needed to share and attempt to spoil couldn't be done. The girl looked over only to see a quick flash of sadness on the woman's face before it was covered up with anger she wears saved only for this place. A slow sadness crept in before the memory had a chance to finish and right there she knew she could no longer be hurt by the woman knowing she didn't understand. All too suddenly it was time to go, one more hour sifted though as they both watched separately together.

happily sad or completely unattainable

It doesn't always show, only those who really know what is underneath the smile can see the truth behind it. Good days are great days and sad days are good days. No matter what the day brings, my feet land on the floor, usually the right than the left (because i sleep on the left side of the bed) and I enjoy each morning as though it is the first in my days ahead. I have been reading the Anne of Green Gables stories, and in Anne of Windy Poplars she meets little Elizabeth, who is living in 'today' and knows 'tomorrow' is just around the corner and is looking forward to when each day is in 'tomorrow'. I feel that way lately, more so than i usually do. I feel as though 'today' is just a resting point for me to gather my bearings, find out where He is trying to guide my life. But often in 'today' I find myself daydreaming of 'tomorrow'. Every single thing happens for a reason, I live by that mantra, but sometimes not knowing just what will happen with the choices I make, those choices that involve my daughter, make me fret, make me nervous, make me stress.

How can I plan when I don't know what I am planning for? I have a great friend who says she doesn't plan based on a time frame of life, but on the here and now. She isn't worried about the 'tomorrows' in life, just the 'today'. I don't even think I could be like that! As I have been told, and have already known my entire life, I need to feel in control. Whether this is the first child syndrome or being female, I am unsure; I think it's more about a blend of all that makes me me...but for whatever the reason, my life comes down to the here and now for this very moment. These moments… I cherish them, happily sad, for the guilty fear that it could all fade away when I wake tomorrow then place my feet on the floor. The "what-if's" of my life is what I am so very scared of. I think for the first time, i think I am admitting I am scared of the unknown. I make great choices when they are simple choices, I choose to work hard each day, I choose to plan for my daughter, try to make her smile each day, make her try something new, but for myself? Oh NO! Stick with what I know, stick with the known and veer away from the unknown. The darkness that surrounds an unknown for me takes my breath away. When the choices come to me, my own personal happiness, I wonder if I am so fearful of the unknown that I am setting myself up for failure each time I do attempt something new. Hurtful actions never completely leave me, they fade into the background of my everyday life, but I carry them as Jesus carried his cross...proudly, head held high, knowing this brings something more than one can ever imagine. I don't say I am Jesus, I just think I can understand his complete acceptance as to who he is and what choices he made through his short life on earth. He was not perfect and neither am I. But at the end of the day, I am just me, an almost single mom trying to do the right thing..first by my daughter, then by me.

But some days, it just feels so much harder than I had ever anticipated. Why is it that I go for things that are challenging and just out of my reach? Why do I go for things that have no end in sight? Is it the challenge? Is it that I still have some of the control? Or is it just that, I am happily sad living my life making choices that are just out of my reach, completely unattainable? Whatever the reason may be, I will wake up each day and smile knowing today I just might be in 'tomorrow'.

when it gets difficult...just reach a bit further

She was tired. The effort it took to pretend as though she didn't know who they were, to pretend she didn't care they didn't look her way, to pretend she wasn't cringing on the inside every single time her heart jumped. Then, right as she began to look up there were the boots walking in followed by the flip flops. She knew those boots anywhere, the flip flops were so typically her and why is her heart beats so fast? Can the woman sitting next to her hear that? And just like that the heart calms, the fire starts to burn and her anger once again turns real. Yet just as quickly as the anger fired up, the sadness hit and she realizes once again there isn't anything to cause the angry other than the initial knee-jerk, flight-fight reaction. The decisions have been made without her, never has she not had a say in her own life, but they didn't give her a choice. The tears threaten to fall with lost hope of what could have been, what still could be. Instead, she looks down at the words in the book and counts them just like last week, and the week before, and the year before. A year before was hope and possibility, this day was sad realization and resigned disappointment.
She looks down and laughs at the stupidity. They match, her in the flowing black skirt, teal peasant blouse that seems to flow with her as she moves, she in the simple straight lines of a sleeveless teal shirt and black carpi's with casual black flats. She begins to stare, a bit longer than she's comfortable with but still unwilling to look away, hoping the head will come up from the book that has her so engrossed. But nothing changes, everything stays the same. It's time to go, the little one aches to say hello and wrap her arms around her but knows without a doubt she would be punished. Her eyes ask so many unanswered questions and try to plead for understanding, the older one just looks with knowing sadness but says nothing. Her skirt flows around her legs as she moves on and out in a whirl of perfume that speaks only of her.

She did the unthinkable, she once again reaches for the shelf that she knows she can't reach. But she continues to try as her heart slowly hardens against what she knows will always be just lengths away.

an inner link

I haven't posted since October 23, 2010. And that was the first post listed for me to re-read when i opened an otherwise stagnant blog. I had thoughts to post something completely different, but feelings and emotions came over me so quickly and so hard it seemed impossible to tamper them down with anything other than words.
I have found this blog is more about my past than it is my present. It's my go to when I have no where else to turn. No response is ever needed, I just need to get out what eats me up inside. I hope someday to start something a bit more uplifting, but tonight I realized just how true the title of this blog really is.
I am not sure if it is the past connection of time, or what I have endured; but the pain doesn't ever seem to lessen when I feel its hit. The hits come so infrequently now, when it does happen it seems to root me in it longer, and deeper. I can't fix what is broken. I am not sure if that is exactly why I can't let it go, or if it is just the fact that a connection has been made. Forever. A connection that was broke because one side of the link can't figure out how to repair itself. That link doesn't realize that within itself comes the power and energy to fix what it already knows how. Instead it looks everywhere but inside for the answers.
I am not entitled to anything other than the breath I breathe; yet I push to be accepted into a world I want nothing to do with. I used to think I was a part of the inside; I know now that never was. The hurt isn't any less when I know the truth, it just makes it easier to understand. I used to hate that I hurt; now I just embrace it when it comes and accept those things that I cannot change. My link to forever, my link to something bigger, I cannot accept that it cannot be changed. My understanding doesn't fix a mind that knows only good. My acceptance doesn't quell the pain. I am stronger for those that haven't learned to be able to brush off and accept the hurt and the pain. I smile on the outside, while the inside makes the rain.

someday....

...you will say I'm sorry and this time you will mean it.

...you won't disappoint each and every time as you inevitably do.

...you will say I love you to someone and mean it with your whole heart.

...you will look in the mirror and realize, this just isn't how I want to live my life.

...you will get up in the morning with a smile on your face ready to face a new day with new hope and new great thoughts.

...you won't make me cry.

...you won't make me wish on a star that has already gone out.

...you will look at me and realize it's okay.

...you will decide that you aren't more important than the life you helped to bring into this world.

...you will realize that anger is ugly.

...my heart won't bleed for you to just open your eyes and see what hurt you have caused because you will already be fixing all the broken bridges.

...we will once again be friends.

smiling through the tears

I am told to never look to tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come. But how can I not? I am a planner, I look to the future for guidance in today. Without looking into tomorrow, I cannot know how to react in today. Receiving stressful news relating to someone near and dear to me has my stomach in knots. It seems as though one bad decision in my life will follow me through his bad decisions for the rest of my days. Am I really strong enough to keep up the fight? Why am I constantly being tested with my skill of wills? I love deep enough and I fight hard enough, and most days it is enough. Sadly, today is not one of those days.
I am borderline silent tears that I refuse to let fall, so instead I smile as hard as I can and look into the mirror. From that smiling face and those shining eyes, one lone tear falls from my eye so fast I can't catch it fast enough. But it's enough to make the rest stop, realize it isn't worth it, my tears can't stop it anymore than I can prevent the lone tear from falling. Instead, I sit and I hope for a better tomorrow and smile through my tears.

everything is going to be fine

Isn't that the truth? For every sad moment that hurts to the core, I always think everything is going to be fine. And it always is. Life goes on. The hurt lessens, the pain weakens and I heal. It has been well over the extended length of time that I want to let my past control me but here I lay, typing with a pillow underneath me, watching 27 Dresses and wishing to just be able to let go and be me. I want to be me, the me I pretend to be each day to everyone who can't see the tears behind my smile.
I hurt inside and I refuse to trust, refuse to let anyone in because if I do, then I have given myself away with the inability to take back what might possibly be broken. I am learning to ask for help, I am learning to not be a 'yes' girl and I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I am positive and I smile, but I smile and laugh because it's what is always expected of me. When will be the time that I choose for myself to do what I expect of myself? Why is it I don't feel I deserve to be happy? I punish myself each day for a poor choice on one night in a blip of my life. This choice has forever changed any plans I thought I had for life. But did it really? Did this one split second decision actually allow for me to be set on the correct course He has chosen for me to follow? Am I actually doing it right?
I think the unknown is what scares me. An ugliness turned out to produce an amazing miracle that surprises and wows me each day. A bit of anger leads to hurtful words that can't be taken back. I keep them in but the thoughts are still there, the truth of what I feel is still there, I just keep it inside.
The same is true with my heart. It is so protected, some days I feel like I have draped a dark purple veil over it (purple? not sure why but it's the color i envision) to protect me from any disappointment. Yet what is life without disappointment? We make our smiles from the edge of sadness. Why is it that I just cannot share what is in my heart? Why do I want to keep myself protected from the unknown when I have no reason to fear anything He has given to me? Life without smiles or life without hurt just isn't life at all. But tonight, I smile through my tears knowing tomorrow is a new day, everything will be just fine and I will try all over again to be the person I know I can be.

deflation

The hardest part of realizing I am no longer following the path I thought I was on is recognizing that no matter how hard I try, it doesn't change the outside influences on my life. The choices I make, the decisions I come to, the energy and effort I put into things makes me feel better. It does not change the Ultimate Plan He has in store for me. Today, I am truly sad and feeling so let down by the world in which I live. A world where, if you lie, cheat, steal and do awful things, intentionally hurt other people and are just a nasty person, it really does matter because the people who make the rules get to believe you. Because if you can do this and walk away with a clean conscience; you are hurting is everyone around you and the most insane part is you don't even care that you are doing it.
I never make wishes because I like to think anything I want I can go after and I can accomplish it. Today, I am making wishes because I can't accomplish everything, and I can't conquer this world we live in. I wish, I lived in a time when people didn't intentionally hurt other people, regardless of the reason. I wish my daughter didn't have to suffer at the hands of evil and I wish I could do something more than I am to keep her safe from harm.
I don't care if my life is hard, it is supposed to be. If life was easy everyone would make it into Heaven. I don't want Emma's life to be harder than it has to be just because I made a bad choice. Yes, she is the one amazing, great miracle to come out of a bad choice that I made over 6 years ago.
I make this oath today, I will never, ever make that bad choice ever again. I am me from now until the day I die. I will do whatever I can to make this black mark in my life right and I will protect my daughter from my bad choice or die trying.

friday nights

Tonight is an unusual night for me. I can be found spending some serious relaxing time with Emma after a long week, cooking dinner, maybe a night at the Y and a swim in the pool. Tonight though was different for so many reasons. Mainly, I did not spend the evening with Emma. I took a night, to myself to do with it, whatever I chose. And choose I did. An after work gathering of friends, some old, some work, and some newly made turned out to make an eclectic group of people who, altogether had a blast with one another.
I planned on staying quiet, which isn't hard in a group of people I don't know, but what surprised me, the energy felt tonight. It was as though there was something hidden in me i didn't know I had buried. I left tonight wondering for more, looking toward the future and having anticipation I didn't realize still could exist. If this is actually a feeling I could potentially have again isn't it worth having, or is it just easier to let it fall to the wayside and enjoy that one moment instead of wondering for more?