a little bit mean

I haven't been feeling myself in a while, I think the weather and all that comes with me losing Summer; the ease of walking outside in the warmth without layers has finally made it's doomsday arrival.  That is the sunshine and rainbows me, the me who thinks lovely little happy thoughts all the time.
This new me, the me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry knows it goes deeper into my self-worth.  I have found I just really don't like me right now.  To be quite honest, I am very disappointed in me and how I've turned out these past 10 years.  Nothing is as I had planned it.  The further I can keep myself from others the better they are but the worse off I feel.

This weekend I had a great opportunity to lounge and enjoy a bit of me time for 8 hours alone!  I had plans but ended up cancelling them due to bad weather and an overall permanent gray cloud hanging around me for the past week.

After a failed attempt to just enjoy a relaxing day, I did some serious internal reflection .  For the first time since it happened, I realized I am still hurt.  After over 16 years I am still hurt by my best friend who just left me as a friend one day.  To this day I have NO  closure from it's happening; when I did see her about 4 years later mid-way through college she looked at me with such hate and detest I left with an apology to the mutual friend.  So, it does explain to me the path I had taken over the course of my friendship years.  I fail to keep anyone close to me, I drop and pick up friends easily, but no one really seems to know the true me.  I thought I was a trustful person but I am not.  To this very moment, I do not trust the people I currently associate with.  All along, I assumed it was them but after this weekend, I know now it is me.

This brings me back to being mean.  In bailing this weekend I was not a great friend, but she understood.  Tonight though, I was awful.  I was mean to my little one, and she took it.  Just stood there and took it.  And i'm not talking being mean just once, I was mean on and off for about an hour.  WHY??????  HOW??? How can i call myself a good parent after that? I did NOT MEAN IT. 

It all came out mean and wrong each time I said something! I apologized after climbing in bed and snuggling up for a good read and some old fashioned mommy love, but the damage is done and other than I'm sorry, there is nothing more I can do.  Oh how I loathe myself right now.  If only I could take it back, instead I write it, to get out the poison that I threw at her with hurtful words and looks.

I feel like a live wire waiting to snap and explode.  I run but it's not enough.  I'm not the happy person I used to be.  I have lost something along the way and I don't know where I left it. 

phew

It's all done! It's just fine, no worries, no fears, just me. Just being me, and who I am. It's truthful, it's painless, it's so much easier and so much less exhausting than pretending to be someone I'm not. I just wish the world could see me for me and not who I portray myself to be. I'll admit, not very many people get to see me, more weighed down on the scale are the girls than the guys. It is SO easy to play pretend with the men, sorry if this is offensive, but you're so easy to fool, such an easy read. We women see what you want, how you expect us to be and we play the part. You are meaningless, simple-minded beings that think first with the secondary. Women, they know what they want from the moment introductions are made. Regardless of how fake or real we attempt to be, women know deep down whether or not a friend will come of the handshake. I have very few close friends I have shaken hands with, I have hugged and felt their pain, I have cried because I felt the same happiness/sadness she has felt. For the rest, it is what it is, surface superficial fake-ness we smile at one another and hope for some sort of acceptance. If not, you are brushed off and cast in the pool of extras.
The truth will set me free! And it has tonight, in so many ways. I was truthful with a friend I have been dying to be honest with. I understand I may not be viewed as a very good friend right now, but I knew this from the moment of decision making time. Tonight, I fall asleep with a clean slate and a sad resigned attitude that at least it is the truth. It may not be completely understood, but at least the lines are drawn, the hesitation was explained. Another gasp of relief happened tonight without expectations, without hope or without fear. It is the burden of proof I've known, but found reasons to not believe. But again, everything happens for a reason and I will not put myself there. I knew that going into this, but found myself doubting. It's amazing what the proof can do to me!

when it gets difficult...just reach a bit further

She was tired. The effort it took to pretend as though she didn't know who they were, to pretend she didn't care they didn't look her way, to pretend she wasn't cringing on the inside every single time her heart jumped. Then, right as she began to look up there were the boots walking in followed by the flip flops. She knew those boots anywhere, the flip flops were so typically her and why is her heart beats so fast? Can the woman sitting next to her hear that? And just like that the heart calms, the fire starts to burn and her anger once again turns real. Yet just as quickly as the anger fired up, the sadness hit and she realizes once again there isn't anything to cause the angry other than the initial knee-jerk, flight-fight reaction. The decisions have been made without her, never has she not had a say in her own life, but they didn't give her a choice. The tears threaten to fall with lost hope of what could have been, what still could be. Instead, she looks down at the words in the book and counts them just like last week, and the week before, and the year before. A year before was hope and possibility, this day was sad realization and resigned disappointment.
She looks down and laughs at the stupidity. They match, her in the flowing black skirt, teal peasant blouse that seems to flow with her as she moves, she in the simple straight lines of a sleeveless teal shirt and black carpi's with casual black flats. She begins to stare, a bit longer than she's comfortable with but still unwilling to look away, hoping the head will come up from the book that has her so engrossed. But nothing changes, everything stays the same. It's time to go, the little one aches to say hello and wrap her arms around her but knows without a doubt she would be punished. Her eyes ask so many unanswered questions and try to plead for understanding, the older one just looks with knowing sadness but says nothing. Her skirt flows around her legs as she moves on and out in a whirl of perfume that speaks only of her.

She did the unthinkable, she once again reaches for the shelf that she knows she can't reach. But she continues to try as her heart slowly hardens against what she knows will always be just lengths away.

found then lost

I found a kindred spirit, someone completely unexpected, but with one conversation I just knew you understood me, you got what made me click and I understood you in the same way. Found off the beaten path in an area unknown to only those of a similar interest, our daughters. It all started with a smile, and there it began, a friendship of complete understanding without having to say the words. It was simple and easy, it was fun and refreshing, seemingly never having its downs only up and ups. Conversations came easier, daily connections made us smile. The understanding, no hidden meaning, no secrets, just a relaxing friendship.
Swept aside like the dust on the front steps, it ended, completely unexpected. I guess it's the only proper ending, just as it had begun and just the opposite. Taken by surprise, no understanding, hidden meanings only known by the intrepretation of the receiver. Confusion, wondering, but no tears, no sadness. Simply watch it go, like a kite whose line ran out and wasn't connected. Maybe that is how our spirits were, only connected until the string reached it's end.

happiness is a great state of mind

I love music, but have a new found love for it lately. Country music is what makes my feet tap and my head nod in agreement but lately, I've found it sounds so much sweeter when I am sharing the ease of listening to music with someone else. Music seems to find those words that I don't know how to say aloud. Music makes me quiet when I start to ramble. Music makes me smile. Sharing this with someone is a great leap for me.
My main goal this summer is to enjoy life to the fullest, don't say no and go with the flow. I am succeeding with such a success rate I should be giving myself a big pat of the back! Oh wait, I did that already :) I never ever would have thought I would be a person who sets specific goals and then purposely deters from one or more for personal gain, yet that is what I am doing and I feel so good. Tonight, as I stare out the window into the darkness I catch a reflection of myself and for the first time I am not surprised in my expression. I see complete relaxation in my eyes and a half smile has formed on my lips. I smile as I type this and I have that great feeling deep down that this summer is going to be great.
Country music, firefly and lemonade, back porches and sharing friendship and of course my daughter. This is what I want my summer to hold for me. I will keep tapping my feet and smiling my favorite smile thinking just how lucky I am that life has given me a second chance.