phew

It's all done! It's just fine, no worries, no fears, just me. Just being me, and who I am. It's truthful, it's painless, it's so much easier and so much less exhausting than pretending to be someone I'm not. I just wish the world could see me for me and not who I portray myself to be. I'll admit, not very many people get to see me, more weighed down on the scale are the girls than the guys. It is SO easy to play pretend with the men, sorry if this is offensive, but you're so easy to fool, such an easy read. We women see what you want, how you expect us to be and we play the part. You are meaningless, simple-minded beings that think first with the secondary. Women, they know what they want from the moment introductions are made. Regardless of how fake or real we attempt to be, women know deep down whether or not a friend will come of the handshake. I have very few close friends I have shaken hands with, I have hugged and felt their pain, I have cried because I felt the same happiness/sadness she has felt. For the rest, it is what it is, surface superficial fake-ness we smile at one another and hope for some sort of acceptance. If not, you are brushed off and cast in the pool of extras.
The truth will set me free! And it has tonight, in so many ways. I was truthful with a friend I have been dying to be honest with. I understand I may not be viewed as a very good friend right now, but I knew this from the moment of decision making time. Tonight, I fall asleep with a clean slate and a sad resigned attitude that at least it is the truth. It may not be completely understood, but at least the lines are drawn, the hesitation was explained. Another gasp of relief happened tonight without expectations, without hope or without fear. It is the burden of proof I've known, but found reasons to not believe. But again, everything happens for a reason and I will not put myself there. I knew that going into this, but found myself doubting. It's amazing what the proof can do to me!