wherever i may be

It doesn't seem to matter what I am doing, yesterday was riding in the car and tonight while making oatmeal cookies, I find my thoughts wandering to you.  where are you?  What are you doing now at this very moment while I am baking?  It's not usually a big thought, but you pop in and out at such completely random times I have a tendency to wonder if it's because you too are randomly thinking of me.  We both know that happens often enough.

I am not resigned, that is not the right word.  I actually loathe the word, tying it to something I would not look forward to doing.  I would say more than anything I am at peace with the decisions I have made in the past few weeks.  The decision to see what my future will hold here, and just hope for the best.  I want the white horse, I want to castle on top of the ocean and the fairy tale ending.  But I am realizing that perhaps I am living in my own fairy tale, looking for my own castle on top of an ocean that only I can see.

prayer

It's a funny thing about prayer, you may just get exactly what you are asking for, literally.  I read a book about a man who asked God over and over to 'just open my heart up' and finally that is exactly what he had happen.  Flat out on the ER table, open heart surgery.  Although my story is not nearly as dramatic as that one, it does come with a similar byline.  Be careful what you pray for because it might just be taken care of for you by the Big Guy himself.
I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened without my diligent words spoken whenever I found the thought crossing my mind.  I am just pointing out the mere coincidence of events that have transpired since I began this little prayer, oh right about that time when things started to change and I don't mean the weather.  I can be candid about this because the realization of knowing the unspoken is such a relief I could only be sad for about 10 minutes.  And I am sure in the time ahead, I will be sadder yet, but for right now I kind of want to marvel in the power of prayer.
I talk to God quite often, but find I save my most worrisome prayers for church and having a few extra bodies with me for Him to see once in a while seemed to add some passion to my prayers!
 A little over a year ago, I had a long heart to heart talk with a good friend of mine whose faith has never wavered since the day she was born.  I was at a confusing part of my life and asked for help, she told me to stop praying for those that won't help themselves and pray for those that don't know how.  There is a difference and I saw that as she was saying it.  So, the next time I would have said my same prayer, I modified it and instantly felt this shift inside me.  I don't necessarily mean I felt God inside of me, but more that I had aligned myself back in the direction I should be in.  (I sometimes tend to wander off the path of life) The prayer flowed so easily from me, and it was so simple!  Almost immediately life began to change around me as if to say, well thanks for noticing and welcome back.  A year later, I say this prayer as often as I ever have and it's more of a reminder to me now than anything.
It's now been a solid 4 months since my new prayer and although I did once again feel that shift in me, it wasn't as nice and pleasant as the one I had felt a year ago.  I think it's because somewhere that something that makes you want to sneeze but then you don't, did a twinge and I knew without a doubt this was a changing prayer.  Although helping people who don't know how to help themselves doesn't always come with a good, warm, fuzzy feeling in the beginning, knowing that in the future life will be better for all involved makes it just a little more bearable.  So tonight, I will be okay, and tomorrow too.  But maybe not the next day or the next week.  If you see me with the lost little look, I'm trying to find my way again on the path of life I've been given.

it's just life

Life happens whether I want it to or not.  Seems the older I get the faster time flies, or maybe it's that I long to hold onto the moments of life for longer.  Some days, which was is up? Some days, wow this was one of the greatest days of my life!  I have learned to treasure each moment has it happens; instead of trying to bottle it up, let it go and enjoy life in the moment rather than wishing to have it happen again.
It's winter and in the past I've been known to be crabby most of the time, waiting for the sun to shine, the air to warm up, and the happiness to flow forth.  I've decided instead this time (and with a bit of help from the mild winter we have had so far) to look at my winter life with a view of relaxed peace and in doing so, have found this winter to be a bit more bearable.  I know I am only here on earth for a short while and am learning to take life each day as it comes, filling it with excitement and having a smile for me and the world.

this time of year

The Holidays come whether we want them to or not.  It's a time to accept our family and friends, the good and the bad as a huge part of our lives.  Without family who would I be? Probably someone I don't like all that much.  I am me in due part because of my family.  We may be spread across invisible borders, we may be spread from one ocean to the next, but the love that is felt this holiday season has made me smile from the inside out.  The tears I have shed are of happiness and gratitude.
I have the most amazing mother in the whole world.  We were not always close, but it's time like this where I reflect on just how fantastic of a job she did at raising me and teaching me to respect myself, and now helping me to raise my little girl. I've got morals, I've got expectations of how I should live my life and how others should treat me.  I love my little girl and know my mom loves her just as much as I do. This holiday season i spent quality time with my brother and his wife and thoroughly enjoyed myself.   My little bro, he's amazing! He spent his Christmas with his fiance' out in the middle of a hut over the water with no electricity, just the two of them.  Just an amazing bond the two of them must have created.  Today though, today was special.  I helped to make someone fee loved, cherished and appreciated in the span of two hours.  I listened, laughed, cried and hugged.
Acceptance is huge, just as huge as forgiveness.  I may not approve of everything someone does or says, but accepting them for who they are, making someone smile and reconnecting with a lost soul is such a wonderful feeling.
The holidays are about giving, today I gave a great gift and didn't have to spend a cent to make this gift appear.  Being thoughtful and kind shouldn't have to happen only during the holidays, it should carry through the entire year.  My New Year's last year, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish throughout the year and, with the exception of journaling on a regular basis, I have done them all.  This year, I am making a list of accomplishments again and hope to add one, keep the love throughout the year.  It's going to be difficult, but I have faith in myself and I believe that I am doing all i can do to be the best person I know I am.
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus.  Without you, none of us could have done it!

practically imperfect in every way

After a long week of dressing up, putting on the face, the hair, the make up, all my body and mind want to do is put on the comfy clothes, wash off the paint and put on the glasses.  But I don't until I know everyone is gone, the world is behind closed doors and it's just me. To have me, to myself where I can be as imperfect as I want  and no left to judge.  Deep down, I know I shouldn't care what other people think. I have built myself from nothing into something, I have my flaws and I cherish each one as a wounded soldier would cherish battle scars. At the end of the day it isn't enough for me to accept me.  I crave acceptance in a world that is our living Hell.  In a world where child abuse is rampant, where fathers and mothers leave their children behind for their own selfishness, where a woman returns home each night with her child to the man who beat her before they both left for work.  How is it that I crave acceptance knowing I am better than all this?
Without the barriers I set up, without the pain I feel each day over the decisions I make to live the life I have set up, who would I be?  Why is it that I already know the answer but am unwilling to share that with anyone?  I'm told I am naive and trusting, how did I get to be that way?
I won't blame parenting because I think I had two of the most amazing parents in the world. I blame me, I blame my insecurities.  I am imperfect in my eyes so I will continue to smile that smile I get complimented on.  I will run the miles to run away from myself and to get to the nowhere I think is happiness that I am unable achieve.  I will look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see, but I will dress the part that fits for the day I have been given and I will smile.
For fear that a knock may come at the door, to the untrained eye, my kitchen is perfectly clean but the dishes are unwashed in the dishwasher.  My bathroom is germ free, until you see the hair in the drain.  My bedroom is spotless, then you look to the left and see the residue of hairspray I have yet to wash off.  I live my life a step away from perfection. I fear it.  I live it.  It is me, a step away from perfc.

phew

It's all done! It's just fine, no worries, no fears, just me. Just being me, and who I am. It's truthful, it's painless, it's so much easier and so much less exhausting than pretending to be someone I'm not. I just wish the world could see me for me and not who I portray myself to be. I'll admit, not very many people get to see me, more weighed down on the scale are the girls than the guys. It is SO easy to play pretend with the men, sorry if this is offensive, but you're so easy to fool, such an easy read. We women see what you want, how you expect us to be and we play the part. You are meaningless, simple-minded beings that think first with the secondary. Women, they know what they want from the moment introductions are made. Regardless of how fake or real we attempt to be, women know deep down whether or not a friend will come of the handshake. I have very few close friends I have shaken hands with, I have hugged and felt their pain, I have cried because I felt the same happiness/sadness she has felt. For the rest, it is what it is, surface superficial fake-ness we smile at one another and hope for some sort of acceptance. If not, you are brushed off and cast in the pool of extras.
The truth will set me free! And it has tonight, in so many ways. I was truthful with a friend I have been dying to be honest with. I understand I may not be viewed as a very good friend right now, but I knew this from the moment of decision making time. Tonight, I fall asleep with a clean slate and a sad resigned attitude that at least it is the truth. It may not be completely understood, but at least the lines are drawn, the hesitation was explained. Another gasp of relief happened tonight without expectations, without hope or without fear. It is the burden of proof I've known, but found reasons to not believe. But again, everything happens for a reason and I will not put myself there. I knew that going into this, but found myself doubting. It's amazing what the proof can do to me!