If I knew then...

After learning the truth, the real truth and not the truth behind the rose colored glasses, isn't the first question always, 'knowing what I know now, would I do it all over again?' I'm not sure what most people would do, but I know me and I know I would do it all over again.  Yes, I am better off now; I'm sad oh so sad knowing life once again has passed me by.  Daily I pray to be on God's path and for him to close those doors that are no longer meant to be open.  This door was closing not too long after it had been open.  I was lucky enough for it to stay open for as long as it was just so I could learn so much more about me and what I could handle.

As I look to leave the past behind me and begin a new, I can only hope the challenges I have faced in the past allow me to escape those same challenges in the future.  Almost every day I can be the grown up, the mature adult who smiles and walks with her head held high; it's times like this when I feel I can't just sit back and watch it all crumble away.  I always thought I could help and make through, but have realized I can't help what hasn't completely broken and sadly when it does break, I won't be here to help.  

Falling in love was the easy part, letting go to watch it fall apart is hard.

Impact

     I hate the catsup bottle turned upside, same with the BBQ sauce bottle...but if it's almost empty I'll flip them to get the most out.  I like making plans, but if opportunity arises, I'll take it.  Sometimes, it's better to just sit back and listen even if I want to speak my peace.  So now, sometimes...'When my little girl has to write a story about a picture she has that made her smile and she picks one where she is turned upside down,' I just smile and shake my head.  A random loud burp, singing country at the top of her lungs in true country twang, picking on me for short hair...it's all my little girl, but she's with an impact.
     We've both changed in the past year and have added a bit to our list of 'who we are' and that other list of 'what we do'.  Either way, we were impacted by our new little past in ways I never could have imagined. I hardly ever roll my eyes anymore and I miss that, but I don't miss the ear plugs.  I found about 10 of them the other day rolling around in a top drawer and found myself smiling that half smile; thinking oh thank goodness I don't need those and yet thinking awww I don't need those.  What a topsy turvy thought rolling through.
      Each moment has an impact on the future; at the time I had no idea just how it would be today.  Oh the stories I have heard repeated, similar to those stories from the past, the ones shared over and over to keep a memory fresh that can never be replaced by a newer memory.  The choice I made to keep my heart protected inevitably involves little Lou and starts her new past stories a fresh.
No matter, I'm thankful for the time shared, for what I've learned, the smiles I've made and the tears I've cried.  In my eyes it was all good, because it's better to remember the good and laugh of the silly and forget the rest.

Completely Unattainable

I've had a very successful and happy childhood.  My parents made sure I was able to try any sport I was interested in, from soccer to softball (where a rogue bat landed in my stomach) to lacrosse.  All along the way I danced.  The most amazing feeling I've ever had, to this day, is the feeling of slipping on my tap shoes and the anticipation of hearing the simple noise that comes with walking across the floor in preparation to tap.  I never made it to Julliard but that was never my goal.  I was happy, completely and implicitly happy when I was dancing.  It was never a competition, just a challenge to conquer the next step.  The sports were a secondary test to see if anything ever came a close second.  I found running my junior year of high school all because of a few close friends.  The feeling is completely different but the accomplishment is the same, I can do it. I can pass mile marker 3, then 4 then 5.

So fabulous me who has figured out just how to make me happy can't seem to figure out how to keep someone who makes me happy.  It's as though I don't allow the outside to come help add the cheer and smile I know I can instantly produce.  Is it lack of trust?  Is it fear of failure? Is it the inability to know what will happen in the future?  I know when I run, it may not be one of my best runs, but I did it, me and only me.
I met the man I thought I would marry in high school, turns out I was wrong.  Then I met the man who 'took me from me' and that pretty much sucked the entire life out of me.  Next up a great guy who would never measure up.  Between those two was someone I thought would be my knight in shining armor but it turned out he was just a manipulative deceiver.  As of late, I have finally fixed myself from losing myself  and did meet the man of my dreams; sadly I couldn't be what he needed. Let me be completely honest, I wasn't what he wanted. Here meet the present tense.  I've met someone amazing, there is no pretense, no dramatics, and no chance.

So I wonder, is it me that is completely unattainable as I continue to travel down the path of the nevers, making sure that only I am the one who has control over my happiness.  I'm in control of me all of the time; I want so much and give so little.  It's the fear of losing control and it's what makes me susceptible to lovely small time frames, blips of life that will never continue.  Tonight my thoughts are wandering in the present tense and wonder the what if's but know deep down those what if's are exactly that.

with heat, rain causes a flourish

I've noticed this summer, so far, is exactly what I have been craving!  Long heat filled, sunny days with hardly any rain and just enough of a breeze to gently move my daughter's hair.  Although my grass is brown and I add water in the pool each night, I have been living in a hazy bliss of happiness.  Until about a week ago I remembered the flowers and the vegetables!  The center garden was beginning to droop and the edges on the bee bombs were curling and turning black.  Thankfully I seemed to have remembered in enough time to prevent anything from dying off due to lack of rain.  I have been watering diligently in the evenings as I listen to the crickets and frogs not too far off, waiting for me to finish so they too can cool off.  And, as luck would have it, the flowers look wonderful and both the tomatoes and pumpkins are thriving!
I've realized, just like the flowers need both the rain and heat, I need some rain to counter my own heat.  For far too long I have created my life to suit my needs, I haven't wilted when life became too hot.  Instead I laced up my shoes and ran.  And though thought provoking, this realization has come at an opportune time in my life.  I have stood up for what I want and what I believe I can achieve in life only to realize I was the only one who was sure in the relationship of heat and rain.  Some may say I was unfair, some may say more time should be given.
Historically, I spent six years! SIX (oh my was my head not in the game back then) long years ignoring my needs and wants to appease someone else, all the while waiting  for the life I thought we wanted to begin.  Once I realized this was a fantasy that was never coming true I had to find the courage to move on.
Then came the most difficult part in my adult life thus far, I was free to figure me out.  This proved to be four long and trying, tear-filled (both stressful and happy) accomplished years.  Happily I can say I am well on my way to knowing what I want out of life.  The path I have chosen seems to be mostly on with His path; sometimes I stray but I do seem to always find my way back.  Today, I'm back on the path; but not without leaving a piece of me with someone who doesn't have the strength just yet to follow what's already inside.

i want to grow old

...with someone who has loved me since the moment he met me.  He will look at me and just know that in 50 years we will be sitting in rocking chairs on our outside wrap around porch, overlooking the acres of land and holding hands.  We will reminisce over all the years we have shared, the good, the bad, the fun, the smiles, the laughter and tears.
I heard tonight, it's an honor to grow old and an even bigger honor to be able to share that with someone else.  I sat back and thought about just how true that is.  My parents were completely head over heels in love with one another and would have made it through all the toughness us children had put them through.  In just a few short months, both would be sitting in their chairs sharing the stories.  Even though my dad isn't here to share that with my mom in the physical aspect, i believe he's here and sharing each joy and tear with her.
Happiness is what you make of it.  Without the day to day happiness shared from the person you love, what is the point in loving? And then, is it love or is it an adjusted behavior toward what is comforting?
Taking the first step into finding out who I am, what I want and how to achieve it is sometimes an overwhelming thought that can take me drifting for hours.
Happiness is grown and cultivated over years of hard work, lots of love and great trust. There is give, there is push and there is agreement.  I've got my opinion on how I want to live my life, I've created the mold and now I've got to find the right mix that will meld together and harden into old and gray on the porch in a rocking chair. Together.

perfect lyrics - perfect girl

I have not found a better song that fits to explain just exactly how i feel.

Thank you to Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong

In your reverie a perfect girl

Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool

All your expectations bury me

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny

That I can make or break it if I choose

But you take my words and twist them 'round

Til I'm the one who brings you down

Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

You need everybody with you on your side

Know that I am here for you but I hope in time

You'll find yourself alright alone

You'll find yourself with open arms

You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive

I have to take myself away from you

'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try

How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go

Give yourself some time to falter

But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what

And everything will come around in time

my heart

I gave you my heart, I gave you all I had to give.  I smiled when you took it and saw the look in your eyes when you let it fall slowly from your grasp.  As I leaned in to catch it you turned and slowly walked away.   It was real for you until you realized, to late, I was willing to give my life to you and you couldn't do the same. I hurt more for you than for me. I've learned to be strong, it's not your time yet.
The beginning was our end, the small smiles never grew for you, even when you pushed for more, you couldn't accept what I was beginning to offer. The half hearted attempts show your resolve crumbling through.
Some days I am not ready to admit what I see; some days I let you fade from sight and allow that bit of sorrow to find me.  For me feeling all the good, all the bad, all the sadness it makes me whole and who I am.  You can't do that, you don't allow yourself to feel.  The advice falls on deaf ears, I cry tears that don't come knowing I've always seen this day as if I was looking backwards through a telescope.
The music plays quietly in the background and I hope you find peace with your struggles.  I truly love you, I will always love you, but not enough to help save you from you.

idle hands clean

I need time, in one form or another; within that time there are many angles and ticks of the clock.  Whether mentally I need some extra time to think things through, or I just need that extra 8 minutes to make it to work on time...it seems I hardly ever have just idle time.  Tonight I ran for 40 minutes just to give myself some extra time to work though some mental stress.  Sadly (for my brain), my body had other intentions and I felt like I ran one of my better runs in a long time.  By the end of the run I was tired, needing the bathroom and desperately wanting to stretch my feet.  Other than that my thoughts were still jumbling around inside my head, not filing in any particular folder but flying free.

All the way home my mind was running as fast as my feet were earlier and I made the decision to just not think.  Everything happens for a reason and I was figuring since my body told me to run when I wanted to think, and all the way home my mind wouldn't settle on one thought long enough to let it come to fruition, I may as well just let it all go for the night. By the time I was home, I had given up my ambition to think anything further than how I was going to cook my fish (a spray of non-stick cooking spray and garlic).  Since my mind just wouldn't settle, once dinner was done and spelling words with sentences had been made (party like a rock star!) I settled in for the night of random cleaning.  I found my running is better than therapy shirt buried in the bottom of my pajama drawer?! I was able to hang up all the clean clothes and had a load in the dryer before Emma had rinsed the soap out of her hair.

I love my life, I love how I spend it when I've got just me time and tonight, the one thing I have realized is just how little time I have to myself and that although I have thoroughly enjoyed myself tonight with the mindless racing of my brain and the sheer happiness I felt as I hung up clothes and folded a shirt, one at a time, I do not feel complete without sharing that time with someone who understands me.  The me that is happy, the me that is sad, that someone who knows what my facial expressions mean as I am making them.  Tonight, I will fall asleep without the 'sweet dreams' as I give time for someone who didn't ask for it, but I could see it in the eyes.

putting it out there

It isn't often that I let my emotions show, that I go beyond my comfort level and share a bit of extra feeling. I haven't been feeling me at all lately. A whole lot of thoughts and feelings and emotions, all girlie stuff, has been floating around in my head. Typically I run for a few days and it clears up, aligns itself in the correctly labeled folder inside the ever growing cabinet of my brain. Why is it then that this time around that doesn't seem to be working? I've felt the need to blog more, run more, love more, feel more, care more. I can't seem to get enough 'I love you' to the people I care about and from the people who choose to care for me. But it just does not feel as though it is enough. I feel halfway there, to a completeness that is just out of my reach and no matter what I do, I just can't find the right way to put the rest in line.
I think and this is where I get nervous, is it because I have allowed someone to come into my life, to share with decisions, the every day part of my life, because I allow him to love me and my daughter. But why is it then when he takes that next step into my inner circle I take so many more steps backward? A new door stands in the place of where he thought I would be when he stepped in/ Why am I so scared to be in a fully committed, decision making sharing relationship? I would rather be a little bit hurt than all the way happy. I won't allow myself to be happy because then that means I am no longer punishing myself for my sins and transgressions of my past. It would mean I am over my past and trying to fix something that was broken when it started. If I give him the keys to all the doors, then I find myself with nothing to block when he hurts me. I play the big tough single, independent female who can conquer life all by myself all on my own, but at the end of the day I hide the happiness I want so desperately with a smile and tough shoulders to carry it all.