it's with the Big Guy Now

For so long, I have been fighting a battle, mostly internal that turned outward and then it became messy. I feel as though this battle has been raging for so long, but in comparison it really hasn't been all that long. When something has the ability to affect me I tend to internalize and focus only on that one issue and walk blindly through my days using an auto-me. I smile, I laugh, I work, I'm a mom, I'm a friend but I've given myself up to something bigger than me. Until today, this afternoon actually I didn't give that a second thought. It was as though that is exactly what I expected of myself and looking back this time spent waging this battle has been a shiny blur. Something looked at through watery eyes and a heavy heart.
Words tonight, they are difficult to form a complete logical sentence and thought pattern, it's as though my fingers are not connected to my brain and my brain is not connected to my heart. Somewhere along the way, I have created a disconnect between reality and the life I am living.
For so long now, I have put myself on hold while I blithely watch the world pass me by. And pass me by it is still doing. I feel like I am on a Ferris wheel but stuck at the top, watching everything happen from afar. The feeling like, it doesn't necessarily matter if I have a say or not, regardless, LIFE GOES ON. That is such a tough concept to know that regardless of what I do, what I think, feel, act or say, LIFE GOES ON. But does it really go on as though it would have without this battle? I don't like to think so, I think if I took part in life as I should have, my impact would have made a difference, my impact would have affected my life in just the same way that me stand idly on the sidelines has affected my life.
Woah, word jumble! What I mean is, I do matter, I may be one voice, one body, one soul but I was made me for a reason. I was set out to grow throughout this lifetime and live with challenges and battles set in my path. If life were easy, afterlife would be hard. I know I don't want to spend my afterlife in a world of difficult. I want to earn my keep now, here on Earth and prove I am strong enough to make it where I want to be.
This battle I continue to mention, I have done my waging of war, I have donned my armor and stood up for what I believe in. Now, it is up to God to decide if I have behaved properly and stood for what I believe so strongly in.