Just when I think all is right in my world, a twist gets thrown into what is settling into becoming an overall very good year. Thinking about it now, my stomach cringes and tears come to my eyes, again. Tonight I cried so hard and sobbed so loud my daughter heard and continued to ask me if I was okay. I haven't cried those painful tears in such a long time, I really had thought they were buried in my past. Today I realized, it will never go away. No matter how much I pray, one decision for the rest of my life is a mark on my soul like a birthmark i wear as my own. I chose to mark my soul, so forever I will carry my burden. I will not beg to lighten my load, only those who are weak ask for help. Instead, tonight, I will let my tears fall and revel in the pain I thought I had overcome. Tomorrow I will hold my head strong and I will begin my fight again, only as a true warrior knows how.
There are very few times I have shown my daughter I am weak. She knows it is okay to cry, to talk about our emotions, but to see and hear me break down and let the sobs wrack me to the core... it's just not something I do. Some say the only true way to be a parent is to show your child you are weak and human. I agree, but tonight was not a lesson in weakness, tonight was a lesson in just being tired. When something has been accomplished, we file it away and although it's put into it's proper place, its memory lingers, to bring that memory quickly and sharply to the forefront when already I am surrounded by sadness and pain, the ache comes back full force.
In my gut I feel what I can only describe as a bad idea...very bad ideas seem to surround me with this. For the first time in my life, I have seen the poison in its clearest form and when all I want to do is run from it, I instead must figure out the antidote because I've already drank it.
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