final decision

It's always hard when thoughts are rolling around and I can't seem to make sense even when its all i can do to try and focus on them. All of a sudden, one seemingly insignficant event occurs and those thoughts come tumbling together making a startingly clear reality. Now i find myself looking back wondering exactly how long I have been thinking these misconstrued thoughts.

It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.

I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?