a little bit mean

I haven't been feeling myself in a while, I think the weather and all that comes with me losing Summer; the ease of walking outside in the warmth without layers has finally made it's doomsday arrival.  That is the sunshine and rainbows me, the me who thinks lovely little happy thoughts all the time.
This new me, the me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry knows it goes deeper into my self-worth.  I have found I just really don't like me right now.  To be quite honest, I am very disappointed in me and how I've turned out these past 10 years.  Nothing is as I had planned it.  The further I can keep myself from others the better they are but the worse off I feel.

This weekend I had a great opportunity to lounge and enjoy a bit of me time for 8 hours alone!  I had plans but ended up cancelling them due to bad weather and an overall permanent gray cloud hanging around me for the past week.

After a failed attempt to just enjoy a relaxing day, I did some serious internal reflection .  For the first time since it happened, I realized I am still hurt.  After over 16 years I am still hurt by my best friend who just left me as a friend one day.  To this day I have NO  closure from it's happening; when I did see her about 4 years later mid-way through college she looked at me with such hate and detest I left with an apology to the mutual friend.  So, it does explain to me the path I had taken over the course of my friendship years.  I fail to keep anyone close to me, I drop and pick up friends easily, but no one really seems to know the true me.  I thought I was a trustful person but I am not.  To this very moment, I do not trust the people I currently associate with.  All along, I assumed it was them but after this weekend, I know now it is me.

This brings me back to being mean.  In bailing this weekend I was not a great friend, but she understood.  Tonight though, I was awful.  I was mean to my little one, and she took it.  Just stood there and took it.  And i'm not talking being mean just once, I was mean on and off for about an hour.  WHY??????  HOW??? How can i call myself a good parent after that? I did NOT MEAN IT. 

It all came out mean and wrong each time I said something! I apologized after climbing in bed and snuggling up for a good read and some old fashioned mommy love, but the damage is done and other than I'm sorry, there is nothing more I can do.  Oh how I loathe myself right now.  If only I could take it back, instead I write it, to get out the poison that I threw at her with hurtful words and looks.

I feel like a live wire waiting to snap and explode.  I run but it's not enough.  I'm not the happy person I used to be.  I have lost something along the way and I don't know where I left it. 

with heat, rain causes a flourish

I've noticed this summer, so far, is exactly what I have been craving!  Long heat filled, sunny days with hardly any rain and just enough of a breeze to gently move my daughter's hair.  Although my grass is brown and I add water in the pool each night, I have been living in a hazy bliss of happiness.  Until about a week ago I remembered the flowers and the vegetables!  The center garden was beginning to droop and the edges on the bee bombs were curling and turning black.  Thankfully I seemed to have remembered in enough time to prevent anything from dying off due to lack of rain.  I have been watering diligently in the evenings as I listen to the crickets and frogs not too far off, waiting for me to finish so they too can cool off.  And, as luck would have it, the flowers look wonderful and both the tomatoes and pumpkins are thriving!
I've realized, just like the flowers need both the rain and heat, I need some rain to counter my own heat.  For far too long I have created my life to suit my needs, I haven't wilted when life became too hot.  Instead I laced up my shoes and ran.  And though thought provoking, this realization has come at an opportune time in my life.  I have stood up for what I want and what I believe I can achieve in life only to realize I was the only one who was sure in the relationship of heat and rain.  Some may say I was unfair, some may say more time should be given.
Historically, I spent six years! SIX (oh my was my head not in the game back then) long years ignoring my needs and wants to appease someone else, all the while waiting  for the life I thought we wanted to begin.  Once I realized this was a fantasy that was never coming true I had to find the courage to move on.
Then came the most difficult part in my adult life thus far, I was free to figure me out.  This proved to be four long and trying, tear-filled (both stressful and happy) accomplished years.  Happily I can say I am well on my way to knowing what I want out of life.  The path I have chosen seems to be mostly on with His path; sometimes I stray but I do seem to always find my way back.  Today, I'm back on the path; but not without leaving a piece of me with someone who doesn't have the strength just yet to follow what's already inside.

i want to grow old

...with someone who has loved me since the moment he met me.  He will look at me and just know that in 50 years we will be sitting in rocking chairs on our outside wrap around porch, overlooking the acres of land and holding hands.  We will reminisce over all the years we have shared, the good, the bad, the fun, the smiles, the laughter and tears.
I heard tonight, it's an honor to grow old and an even bigger honor to be able to share that with someone else.  I sat back and thought about just how true that is.  My parents were completely head over heels in love with one another and would have made it through all the toughness us children had put them through.  In just a few short months, both would be sitting in their chairs sharing the stories.  Even though my dad isn't here to share that with my mom in the physical aspect, i believe he's here and sharing each joy and tear with her.
Happiness is what you make of it.  Without the day to day happiness shared from the person you love, what is the point in loving? And then, is it love or is it an adjusted behavior toward what is comforting?
Taking the first step into finding out who I am, what I want and how to achieve it is sometimes an overwhelming thought that can take me drifting for hours.
Happiness is grown and cultivated over years of hard work, lots of love and great trust. There is give, there is push and there is agreement.  I've got my opinion on how I want to live my life, I've created the mold and now I've got to find the right mix that will meld together and harden into old and gray on the porch in a rocking chair. Together.

wherever i may be

It doesn't seem to matter what I am doing, yesterday was riding in the car and tonight while making oatmeal cookies, I find my thoughts wandering to you.  where are you?  What are you doing now at this very moment while I am baking?  It's not usually a big thought, but you pop in and out at such completely random times I have a tendency to wonder if it's because you too are randomly thinking of me.  We both know that happens often enough.

I am not resigned, that is not the right word.  I actually loathe the word, tying it to something I would not look forward to doing.  I would say more than anything I am at peace with the decisions I have made in the past few weeks.  The decision to see what my future will hold here, and just hope for the best.  I want the white horse, I want to castle on top of the ocean and the fairy tale ending.  But I am realizing that perhaps I am living in my own fairy tale, looking for my own castle on top of an ocean that only I can see.

it's all about the game

She tried to be nonchalant walking behind her daughter, having her
walk toward the coach to hand back her tag from the previous game she
coached and attempted to walk back toward her blanket.  Oh, but he was
a step ahead of her having her keep it only to take it and place it
around her neck with a knowing smile, following it with the words she
longed but dreaded to hear, you can keep this for the rest of the
season, Coach.

It was an amazing rush to be back on the sidelines, knowing for the
rest of the season she was back as one of them, but not in the lead.
She was able to do it for the fun of it, ignore the parents and let
the head Coach take care of those issues.  The love of the game was
back in her grasp.   Next week, she’ll be prepared, flip flops will be
left in the car, jeans swapped for yoga pants, hat instead of
sunglasses, and her infamous pink watch to guide her throughout the
game.

Day 1 - no small feat

Initially when planning for our Spring Break, I began thinking, what will I do with Emma for the week?  Once things begin to change in my life (without my permission I must add), I made an executive decision to make a huge change in our lives and see where it takes us.  This one decision took me planning for Emma each day to something so simple as stick with me girl, we're headed South  for a while.
4 am Saturday found us venturing into the cold dark morning filled with anticipation that only the two of us know.
 6:07 am found me watching the sunrise as I drove through Jersey with Emma asleep in the back seat.
  10 am and we stopped for a leg stretch and some snacks.
    4 pm found us a bit delirious, me with a numb butt and an aching back, Emma uncomfortable and lacking any good conversation.  So we stopped.  We gave into our needs and ate a Huddle House, only 3 hours from our final destination.
    7:40 pm greeted us with screams of delight, kids running without shoes on and me halfway parking on the grass just to get out and receive tons of hugs and squeals.

Unloading the car, decorating Eggs, learning how to cheat at bananas, back massages and laughter wrapped up our first day of our grand adventure together, just the two of us plus a few more.

a dropped shoe

The shoe dropped, 

she watched it fall, 

heard the snap on the hardwood floor. 

It landed upright,

laces still tied,

and sat there looking up . 

The other shoe never dropped,

 it fell before it making it through the door.