this time of year

The Holidays come whether we want them to or not.  It's a time to accept our family and friends, the good and the bad as a huge part of our lives.  Without family who would I be? Probably someone I don't like all that much.  I am me in due part because of my family.  We may be spread across invisible borders, we may be spread from one ocean to the next, but the love that is felt this holiday season has made me smile from the inside out.  The tears I have shed are of happiness and gratitude.
I have the most amazing mother in the whole world.  We were not always close, but it's time like this where I reflect on just how fantastic of a job she did at raising me and teaching me to respect myself, and now helping me to raise my little girl. I've got morals, I've got expectations of how I should live my life and how others should treat me.  I love my little girl and know my mom loves her just as much as I do. This holiday season i spent quality time with my brother and his wife and thoroughly enjoyed myself.   My little bro, he's amazing! He spent his Christmas with his fiance' out in the middle of a hut over the water with no electricity, just the two of them.  Just an amazing bond the two of them must have created.  Today though, today was special.  I helped to make someone fee loved, cherished and appreciated in the span of two hours.  I listened, laughed, cried and hugged.
Acceptance is huge, just as huge as forgiveness.  I may not approve of everything someone does or says, but accepting them for who they are, making someone smile and reconnecting with a lost soul is such a wonderful feeling.
The holidays are about giving, today I gave a great gift and didn't have to spend a cent to make this gift appear.  Being thoughtful and kind shouldn't have to happen only during the holidays, it should carry through the entire year.  My New Year's last year, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish throughout the year and, with the exception of journaling on a regular basis, I have done them all.  This year, I am making a list of accomplishments again and hope to add one, keep the love throughout the year.  It's going to be difficult, but I have faith in myself and I believe that I am doing all i can do to be the best person I know I am.
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus.  Without you, none of us could have done it!

shared

I have never shared a  link on here, but felt this should be read by anyone who reads my blog:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

it's never the past

Just when I think all is right in my world, a twist gets thrown into what is settling into becoming an overall very good year.  Thinking about it now, my stomach cringes and tears come to my eyes, again.  Tonight I cried so hard and sobbed so loud my daughter heard and continued to ask me if I was okay.  I haven't cried those painful tears in such a long time, I really had thought they were buried in my past.  Today I realized, it will never go away.  No matter how much I pray, one decision for the rest of my life is a mark on my soul like a birthmark i wear as my own.  I chose to mark my soul, so forever I will carry my burden.  I will not beg to lighten my load, only those who are weak ask for help.  Instead, tonight, I will let my tears fall and revel in the pain I thought I had overcome.  Tomorrow I will hold my head strong and I will begin my fight again, only as a true warrior knows how.
There are very few times I have shown my daughter I am weak.  She knows it is okay to cry, to talk about our emotions, but to see and hear me break down and let the sobs wrack me to the core... it's just not something I do.  Some say the only true way to be a parent is to show your child you are weak and human.  I agree, but tonight was not a lesson in weakness, tonight was a lesson in just being tired.  When something has been accomplished, we file it away and although it's put into it's proper place, its memory lingers, to bring that memory quickly and sharply to the forefront when already I am surrounded by sadness and pain, the ache comes back full force.
In my gut I feel what I can only describe as a bad idea...very bad ideas seem to surround me with this.  For the first time in my life, I have seen the poison in its clearest form and when all I want to do is run from it, I instead must figure out the antidote because I've already drank it.

practically imperfect in every way

After a long week of dressing up, putting on the face, the hair, the make up, all my body and mind want to do is put on the comfy clothes, wash off the paint and put on the glasses.  But I don't until I know everyone is gone, the world is behind closed doors and it's just me. To have me, to myself where I can be as imperfect as I want  and no left to judge.  Deep down, I know I shouldn't care what other people think. I have built myself from nothing into something, I have my flaws and I cherish each one as a wounded soldier would cherish battle scars. At the end of the day it isn't enough for me to accept me.  I crave acceptance in a world that is our living Hell.  In a world where child abuse is rampant, where fathers and mothers leave their children behind for their own selfishness, where a woman returns home each night with her child to the man who beat her before they both left for work.  How is it that I crave acceptance knowing I am better than all this?
Without the barriers I set up, without the pain I feel each day over the decisions I make to live the life I have set up, who would I be?  Why is it that I already know the answer but am unwilling to share that with anyone?  I'm told I am naive and trusting, how did I get to be that way?
I won't blame parenting because I think I had two of the most amazing parents in the world. I blame me, I blame my insecurities.  I am imperfect in my eyes so I will continue to smile that smile I get complimented on.  I will run the miles to run away from myself and to get to the nowhere I think is happiness that I am unable achieve.  I will look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see, but I will dress the part that fits for the day I have been given and I will smile.
For fear that a knock may come at the door, to the untrained eye, my kitchen is perfectly clean but the dishes are unwashed in the dishwasher.  My bathroom is germ free, until you see the hair in the drain.  My bedroom is spotless, then you look to the left and see the residue of hairspray I have yet to wash off.  I live my life a step away from perfection. I fear it.  I live it.  It is me, a step away from perfc.

idle hands clean

I need time, in one form or another; within that time there are many angles and ticks of the clock.  Whether mentally I need some extra time to think things through, or I just need that extra 8 minutes to make it to work on time...it seems I hardly ever have just idle time.  Tonight I ran for 40 minutes just to give myself some extra time to work though some mental stress.  Sadly (for my brain), my body had other intentions and I felt like I ran one of my better runs in a long time.  By the end of the run I was tired, needing the bathroom and desperately wanting to stretch my feet.  Other than that my thoughts were still jumbling around inside my head, not filing in any particular folder but flying free.

All the way home my mind was running as fast as my feet were earlier and I made the decision to just not think.  Everything happens for a reason and I was figuring since my body told me to run when I wanted to think, and all the way home my mind wouldn't settle on one thought long enough to let it come to fruition, I may as well just let it all go for the night. By the time I was home, I had given up my ambition to think anything further than how I was going to cook my fish (a spray of non-stick cooking spray and garlic).  Since my mind just wouldn't settle, once dinner was done and spelling words with sentences had been made (party like a rock star!) I settled in for the night of random cleaning.  I found my running is better than therapy shirt buried in the bottom of my pajama drawer?! I was able to hang up all the clean clothes and had a load in the dryer before Emma had rinsed the soap out of her hair.

I love my life, I love how I spend it when I've got just me time and tonight, the one thing I have realized is just how little time I have to myself and that although I have thoroughly enjoyed myself tonight with the mindless racing of my brain and the sheer happiness I felt as I hung up clothes and folded a shirt, one at a time, I do not feel complete without sharing that time with someone who understands me.  The me that is happy, the me that is sad, that someone who knows what my facial expressions mean as I am making them.  Tonight, I will fall asleep without the 'sweet dreams' as I give time for someone who didn't ask for it, but I could see it in the eyes.

just around the corner

A long walk down a hallway
it's walls painted white,
trim the color of a rusting swing.
 I follow the tiled floor,
cold and uninviting.
The open door comes into sight.
 A single glimpse shows me
your eyes into the World.
 I don't see you,
 just glimmers of who you are.

phew

It's all done! It's just fine, no worries, no fears, just me. Just being me, and who I am. It's truthful, it's painless, it's so much easier and so much less exhausting than pretending to be someone I'm not. I just wish the world could see me for me and not who I portray myself to be. I'll admit, not very many people get to see me, more weighed down on the scale are the girls than the guys. It is SO easy to play pretend with the men, sorry if this is offensive, but you're so easy to fool, such an easy read. We women see what you want, how you expect us to be and we play the part. You are meaningless, simple-minded beings that think first with the secondary. Women, they know what they want from the moment introductions are made. Regardless of how fake or real we attempt to be, women know deep down whether or not a friend will come of the handshake. I have very few close friends I have shaken hands with, I have hugged and felt their pain, I have cried because I felt the same happiness/sadness she has felt. For the rest, it is what it is, surface superficial fake-ness we smile at one another and hope for some sort of acceptance. If not, you are brushed off and cast in the pool of extras.
The truth will set me free! And it has tonight, in so many ways. I was truthful with a friend I have been dying to be honest with. I understand I may not be viewed as a very good friend right now, but I knew this from the moment of decision making time. Tonight, I fall asleep with a clean slate and a sad resigned attitude that at least it is the truth. It may not be completely understood, but at least the lines are drawn, the hesitation was explained. Another gasp of relief happened tonight without expectations, without hope or without fear. It is the burden of proof I've known, but found reasons to not believe. But again, everything happens for a reason and I will not put myself there. I knew that going into this, but found myself doubting. It's amazing what the proof can do to me!