lyrics

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue

I can stay awake for days

If that’s what you want

Be your number one

I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that’s what you ask

Give you all I am

I can do it

But I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

‘cause I’m only human

I can turn it on

Be a good machine

I can hold the weight of worlds

If that’s what you need

Be your everything

I can do it, I’ll get through it

I can take so much,

Until I’ve had enough

She chose her

Love is life, life is love.  Each day is met with a smile and a love for all God has given.  A quick thank you prayer is said and her feet move to the beat of the day.  As each moment passes throughout each day life is taking her that much closer to her choice of a new beginning.

Those who don't know her well say she's strong, she smiles and inside grins with delight knowing this is nothing, she's handled tougher challenges.  This is easy, this is fun but this is hard and this is real.   It was never a matter of if only a matter of when.  She never knew how difficult real would become; without the challenges she knows inside she would feel completely unfulfilled.  Challenges are easy; it's living inward that is hard.  

The real challenge was never in her plan, in choosing her she lost him. He fills each moment that passes.  He lives in each breath she takes.  Every new memory without him is remembered to share it once again, her thought only ever on when this journey is up, they can begin anew.  Every morning she awakens and amazed he is gone.  Her eyes no longer sparkle and, like his, her smile doesn't reach her eyes.  Life continues to happen all around her, there is no stopping because her heart aches.  She perseveres knowing she would expect nothing less from herself.  This is her challenge, her life and her fight from within.

Tomorrow is a gift, not a given.  She can only hope to live in the moment with a smile as this journey continues

If I knew then...

After learning the truth, the real truth and not the truth behind the rose colored glasses, isn't the first question always, 'knowing what I know now, would I do it all over again?' I'm not sure what most people would do, but I know me and I know I would do it all over again.  Yes, I am better off now; I'm sad oh so sad knowing life once again has passed me by.  Daily I pray to be on God's path and for him to close those doors that are no longer meant to be open.  This door was closing not too long after it had been open.  I was lucky enough for it to stay open for as long as it was just so I could learn so much more about me and what I could handle.

As I look to leave the past behind me and begin a new, I can only hope the challenges I have faced in the past allow me to escape those same challenges in the future.  Almost every day I can be the grown up, the mature adult who smiles and walks with her head held high; it's times like this when I feel I can't just sit back and watch it all crumble away.  I always thought I could help and make through, but have realized I can't help what hasn't completely broken and sadly when it does break, I won't be here to help.  

Falling in love was the easy part, letting go to watch it fall apart is hard.

Impact

     I hate the catsup bottle turned upside, same with the BBQ sauce bottle...but if it's almost empty I'll flip them to get the most out.  I like making plans, but if opportunity arises, I'll take it.  Sometimes, it's better to just sit back and listen even if I want to speak my peace.  So now, sometimes...'When my little girl has to write a story about a picture she has that made her smile and she picks one where she is turned upside down,' I just smile and shake my head.  A random loud burp, singing country at the top of her lungs in true country twang, picking on me for short hair...it's all my little girl, but she's with an impact.
     We've both changed in the past year and have added a bit to our list of 'who we are' and that other list of 'what we do'.  Either way, we were impacted by our new little past in ways I never could have imagined. I hardly ever roll my eyes anymore and I miss that, but I don't miss the ear plugs.  I found about 10 of them the other day rolling around in a top drawer and found myself smiling that half smile; thinking oh thank goodness I don't need those and yet thinking awww I don't need those.  What a topsy turvy thought rolling through.
      Each moment has an impact on the future; at the time I had no idea just how it would be today.  Oh the stories I have heard repeated, similar to those stories from the past, the ones shared over and over to keep a memory fresh that can never be replaced by a newer memory.  The choice I made to keep my heart protected inevitably involves little Lou and starts her new past stories a fresh.
No matter, I'm thankful for the time shared, for what I've learned, the smiles I've made and the tears I've cried.  In my eyes it was all good, because it's better to remember the good and laugh of the silly and forget the rest.

Completely Unattainable

I've had a very successful and happy childhood.  My parents made sure I was able to try any sport I was interested in, from soccer to softball (where a rogue bat landed in my stomach) to lacrosse.  All along the way I danced.  The most amazing feeling I've ever had, to this day, is the feeling of slipping on my tap shoes and the anticipation of hearing the simple noise that comes with walking across the floor in preparation to tap.  I never made it to Julliard but that was never my goal.  I was happy, completely and implicitly happy when I was dancing.  It was never a competition, just a challenge to conquer the next step.  The sports were a secondary test to see if anything ever came a close second.  I found running my junior year of high school all because of a few close friends.  The feeling is completely different but the accomplishment is the same, I can do it. I can pass mile marker 3, then 4 then 5.

So fabulous me who has figured out just how to make me happy can't seem to figure out how to keep someone who makes me happy.  It's as though I don't allow the outside to come help add the cheer and smile I know I can instantly produce.  Is it lack of trust?  Is it fear of failure? Is it the inability to know what will happen in the future?  I know when I run, it may not be one of my best runs, but I did it, me and only me.
I met the man I thought I would marry in high school, turns out I was wrong.  Then I met the man who 'took me from me' and that pretty much sucked the entire life out of me.  Next up a great guy who would never measure up.  Between those two was someone I thought would be my knight in shining armor but it turned out he was just a manipulative deceiver.  As of late, I have finally fixed myself from losing myself  and did meet the man of my dreams; sadly I couldn't be what he needed. Let me be completely honest, I wasn't what he wanted. Here meet the present tense.  I've met someone amazing, there is no pretense, no dramatics, and no chance.

So I wonder, is it me that is completely unattainable as I continue to travel down the path of the nevers, making sure that only I am the one who has control over my happiness.  I'm in control of me all of the time; I want so much and give so little.  It's the fear of losing control and it's what makes me susceptible to lovely small time frames, blips of life that will never continue.  Tonight my thoughts are wandering in the present tense and wonder the what if's but know deep down those what if's are exactly that.

tired of the rain

I haven't felt like posting for a while now.  Life happens, I move on, I move back, I move forward. It's not the life I had planned on, but then again each day doesn't always work out as I had planned.  On my way home the other day, I heard this song and was tempted to pull over just to listen with my whole self.  Seeing as the drive was middle of I-90, I didn't.  Instead of writing how I feel tonight, this song tells it like it is.

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain) - Gary Allen"

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free

a little bit mean

I haven't been feeling myself in a while, I think the weather and all that comes with me losing Summer; the ease of walking outside in the warmth without layers has finally made it's doomsday arrival.  That is the sunshine and rainbows me, the me who thinks lovely little happy thoughts all the time.
This new me, the me that wants to scream at the top of my lungs and be angry knows it goes deeper into my self-worth.  I have found I just really don't like me right now.  To be quite honest, I am very disappointed in me and how I've turned out these past 10 years.  Nothing is as I had planned it.  The further I can keep myself from others the better they are but the worse off I feel.

This weekend I had a great opportunity to lounge and enjoy a bit of me time for 8 hours alone!  I had plans but ended up cancelling them due to bad weather and an overall permanent gray cloud hanging around me for the past week.

After a failed attempt to just enjoy a relaxing day, I did some serious internal reflection .  For the first time since it happened, I realized I am still hurt.  After over 16 years I am still hurt by my best friend who just left me as a friend one day.  To this day I have NO  closure from it's happening; when I did see her about 4 years later mid-way through college she looked at me with such hate and detest I left with an apology to the mutual friend.  So, it does explain to me the path I had taken over the course of my friendship years.  I fail to keep anyone close to me, I drop and pick up friends easily, but no one really seems to know the true me.  I thought I was a trustful person but I am not.  To this very moment, I do not trust the people I currently associate with.  All along, I assumed it was them but after this weekend, I know now it is me.

This brings me back to being mean.  In bailing this weekend I was not a great friend, but she understood.  Tonight though, I was awful.  I was mean to my little one, and she took it.  Just stood there and took it.  And i'm not talking being mean just once, I was mean on and off for about an hour.  WHY??????  HOW??? How can i call myself a good parent after that? I did NOT MEAN IT. 

It all came out mean and wrong each time I said something! I apologized after climbing in bed and snuggling up for a good read and some old fashioned mommy love, but the damage is done and other than I'm sorry, there is nothing more I can do.  Oh how I loathe myself right now.  If only I could take it back, instead I write it, to get out the poison that I threw at her with hurtful words and looks.

I feel like a live wire waiting to snap and explode.  I run but it's not enough.  I'm not the happy person I used to be.  I have lost something along the way and I don't know where I left it.