Friendship is a funny thing, I have a few different 'circle's' of friends. There are the girls I chat with every single day, then there are the coworkers I spend 40 plus hours a week with, but only Monday through Friday. Then there are my go to girls, there are only a select few of those. These girls are the special ones in my life who barely know one another, but who know all there is to know about me, when the times get tough or the story is just so special to share, I can go to either of them, even after a year or two years apart and I know they would sit down with me and listen. The best part about these girlfriends is they are also forever friends. I would do anything for them, forever and i know they would do the same for me. I love my forever friends.
My other girlfriends, they were met through someone and when first meeting them you hope for a kindred spirit. But, after a while, I say....ahhh well that would be why I hadn't met her before. I like her, a ton but she just isn't a kindred spirit. She isn't a forever friend. It takes so much time and energy and effort to make and keep a forever friend, I then wonder, is it just me?
Am I just too lazy to attempt at making another forever friend? But then I realized, nope. That is the whole point of making a kindred spirit, the fun that goes into working it and making it that much better of a friendship. So, I am smiling as I type because i know the girls in my life are for me, and with me for a reason. Some may be annoying, some may be selfish, some may be fun, some may be sensitive. But all in all, you add up each bit of an individual's personality and you've got me.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
found then lost
I found a kindred spirit, someone completely unexpected, but with one conversation I just knew you understood me, you got what made me click and I understood you in the same way. Found off the beaten path in an area unknown to only those of a similar interest, our daughters. It all started with a smile, and there it began, a friendship of complete understanding without having to say the words. It was simple and easy, it was fun and refreshing, seemingly never having its downs only up and ups. Conversations came easier, daily connections made us smile. The understanding, no hidden meaning, no secrets, just a relaxing friendship.
Swept aside like the dust on the front steps, it ended, completely unexpected. I guess it's the only proper ending, just as it had begun and just the opposite. Taken by surprise, no understanding, hidden meanings only known by the intrepretation of the receiver. Confusion, wondering, but no tears, no sadness. Simply watch it go, like a kite whose line ran out and wasn't connected. Maybe that is how our spirits were, only connected until the string reached it's end.
Swept aside like the dust on the front steps, it ended, completely unexpected. I guess it's the only proper ending, just as it had begun and just the opposite. Taken by surprise, no understanding, hidden meanings only known by the intrepretation of the receiver. Confusion, wondering, but no tears, no sadness. Simply watch it go, like a kite whose line ran out and wasn't connected. Maybe that is how our spirits were, only connected until the string reached it's end.
Monday, May 16, 2011
the smile
It all started with a smile a time or two ago, when it happened isn't important, the smile is all that is matters. Without that smile, they wouldn't be where they are today. She, wondering what it all means, he thinking just how much to share. Her, marveling at the words that seem to escape her through her fingers but nothing seems to make it further. Him watching her reaction, so scared and nervous to open up, knowing if he doesn't now, the chance may be lost forever.
There is a scared fear of the unknown in her eyes, she knows she isn't ready but his eyes plead with her to ignore her gut and trust him. She trusts, oh how she trusts and he just doesn't realize. Her heart aches for who she could be if things were different. She half looks, half makes light conversation all the while, she feels the warmth spreading from deep inside racing faster, burning like a fire trying to get out. Light laughter flows from her, she clears her throat hoping to cover the shock...he shares something so sacred with her. It was something created together, yet to see it as though he gave it a real life and gave it truth, she shivers in her own heat. He is so nervous, the red has crept further and she tries not to notice, to make light of their hearts flipping faster, His nervousness begins to show as he flips if only to do something with his hands other than touch her shoulder, hold her hand behind his back, give her the reassurance that only he seems to understand.
A break in the storm has put her feet back on level ground. She can focus, she can speak, she can think again through the gray of the lines in her mind. He moves through the motions of the break, has a quiet conversation while he watches her as she watches him.
He stands, will she come back to him...she moves closer and laughs but the smile is forced. He has no clue what she thinks, he worries, his smile is gentle and prodding, he pushes and she pushes back, not ready to confront the rush of emotions that completely consumes her. Words are difficult, she resorts back to the ease in which they first conversed but he wants nothing of the fake laughs and smiles.
He cares and she doesn't know how.
There is a scared fear of the unknown in her eyes, she knows she isn't ready but his eyes plead with her to ignore her gut and trust him. She trusts, oh how she trusts and he just doesn't realize. Her heart aches for who she could be if things were different. She half looks, half makes light conversation all the while, she feels the warmth spreading from deep inside racing faster, burning like a fire trying to get out. Light laughter flows from her, she clears her throat hoping to cover the shock...he shares something so sacred with her. It was something created together, yet to see it as though he gave it a real life and gave it truth, she shivers in her own heat. He is so nervous, the red has crept further and she tries not to notice, to make light of their hearts flipping faster, His nervousness begins to show as he flips if only to do something with his hands other than touch her shoulder, hold her hand behind his back, give her the reassurance that only he seems to understand.
A break in the storm has put her feet back on level ground. She can focus, she can speak, she can think again through the gray of the lines in her mind. He moves through the motions of the break, has a quiet conversation while he watches her as she watches him.
He stands, will she come back to him...she moves closer and laughs but the smile is forced. He has no clue what she thinks, he worries, his smile is gentle and prodding, he pushes and she pushes back, not ready to confront the rush of emotions that completely consumes her. Words are difficult, she resorts back to the ease in which they first conversed but he wants nothing of the fake laughs and smiles.
He cares and she doesn't know how.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
a year
A year ago I was stressing, I was worried, I panicked at least once a week
A year ago I cried tears that I didn't think would stop.
A year ago I leaned hard on everyone close to me.
A year ago I thought I may actually have to share a piece of me with someone who didn't want it.
A year ago I realized just how strong I really am.
This past year I found me.
This past year, I cried tears of joy more than I cried tears of sadness.
This past year I allowed myself to share me with someone else.
This past year my heart accepted love.
This past year I gave my love to someone else.
This past year I realized my 6 year old doesn't always need me.
This past year I took a deep breath and realized it is okay.
This year I will accomplish more than even I will think I can.
This year I will love unconditionally.
This year is a year of new beginnings.
This year I smile.
A year ago I cried tears that I didn't think would stop.
A year ago I leaned hard on everyone close to me.
A year ago I thought I may actually have to share a piece of me with someone who didn't want it.
A year ago I realized just how strong I really am.
This past year I found me.
This past year, I cried tears of joy more than I cried tears of sadness.
This past year I allowed myself to share me with someone else.
This past year my heart accepted love.
This past year I gave my love to someone else.
This past year I realized my 6 year old doesn't always need me.
This past year I took a deep breath and realized it is okay.
This year I will accomplish more than even I will think I can.
This year I will love unconditionally.
This year is a year of new beginnings.
This year I smile.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
an inner link
I haven't posted since October 23, 2010. And that was the first post listed for me to re-read when i opened an otherwise stagnant blog. I had thoughts to post something completely different, but feelings and emotions came over me so quickly and so hard it seemed impossible to tamper them down with anything other than words.
I have found this blog is more about my past than it is my present. It's my go to when I have no where else to turn. No response is ever needed, I just need to get out what eats me up inside. I hope someday to start something a bit more uplifting, but tonight I realized just how true the title of this blog really is.
I am not sure if it is the past connection of time, or what I have endured; but the pain doesn't ever seem to lessen when I feel its hit. The hits come so infrequently now, when it does happen it seems to root me in it longer, and deeper. I can't fix what is broken. I am not sure if that is exactly why I can't let it go, or if it is just the fact that a connection has been made. Forever. A connection that was broke because one side of the link can't figure out how to repair itself. That link doesn't realize that within itself comes the power and energy to fix what it already knows how. Instead it looks everywhere but inside for the answers.
I am not entitled to anything other than the breath I breathe; yet I push to be accepted into a world I want nothing to do with. I used to think I was a part of the inside; I know now that never was. The hurt isn't any less when I know the truth, it just makes it easier to understand. I used to hate that I hurt; now I just embrace it when it comes and accept those things that I cannot change. My link to forever, my link to something bigger, I cannot accept that it cannot be changed. My understanding doesn't fix a mind that knows only good. My acceptance doesn't quell the pain. I am stronger for those that haven't learned to be able to brush off and accept the hurt and the pain. I smile on the outside, while the inside makes the rain.
I have found this blog is more about my past than it is my present. It's my go to when I have no where else to turn. No response is ever needed, I just need to get out what eats me up inside. I hope someday to start something a bit more uplifting, but tonight I realized just how true the title of this blog really is.
I am not sure if it is the past connection of time, or what I have endured; but the pain doesn't ever seem to lessen when I feel its hit. The hits come so infrequently now, when it does happen it seems to root me in it longer, and deeper. I can't fix what is broken. I am not sure if that is exactly why I can't let it go, or if it is just the fact that a connection has been made. Forever. A connection that was broke because one side of the link can't figure out how to repair itself. That link doesn't realize that within itself comes the power and energy to fix what it already knows how. Instead it looks everywhere but inside for the answers.
I am not entitled to anything other than the breath I breathe; yet I push to be accepted into a world I want nothing to do with. I used to think I was a part of the inside; I know now that never was. The hurt isn't any less when I know the truth, it just makes it easier to understand. I used to hate that I hurt; now I just embrace it when it comes and accept those things that I cannot change. My link to forever, my link to something bigger, I cannot accept that it cannot be changed. My understanding doesn't fix a mind that knows only good. My acceptance doesn't quell the pain. I am stronger for those that haven't learned to be able to brush off and accept the hurt and the pain. I smile on the outside, while the inside makes the rain.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
someday....
...you will say I'm sorry and this time you will mean it.
...you won't disappoint each and every time as you inevitably do.
...you will say I love you to someone and mean it with your whole heart.
...you will look in the mirror and realize, this just isn't how I want to live my life.
...you will get up in the morning with a smile on your face ready to face a new day with new hope and new great thoughts.
...you won't make me cry.
...you won't make me wish on a star that has already gone out.
...you will look at me and realize it's okay.
...you will decide that you aren't more important than the life you helped to bring into this world.
...you will realize that anger is ugly.
...my heart won't bleed for you to just open your eyes and see what hurt you have caused because you will already be fixing all the broken bridges.
...we will once again be friends.
...you won't disappoint each and every time as you inevitably do.
...you will say I love you to someone and mean it with your whole heart.
...you will look in the mirror and realize, this just isn't how I want to live my life.
...you will get up in the morning with a smile on your face ready to face a new day with new hope and new great thoughts.
...you won't make me cry.
...you won't make me wish on a star that has already gone out.
...you will look at me and realize it's okay.
...you will decide that you aren't more important than the life you helped to bring into this world.
...you will realize that anger is ugly.
...my heart won't bleed for you to just open your eyes and see what hurt you have caused because you will already be fixing all the broken bridges.
...we will once again be friends.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
smiling through the tears
I am told to never look to tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come. But how can I not? I am a planner, I look to the future for guidance in today. Without looking into tomorrow, I cannot know how to react in today. Receiving stressful news relating to someone near and dear to me has my stomach in knots. It seems as though one bad decision in my life will follow me through his bad decisions for the rest of my days. Am I really strong enough to keep up the fight? Why am I constantly being tested with my skill of wills? I love deep enough and I fight hard enough, and most days it is enough. Sadly, today is not one of those days.
I am borderline silent tears that I refuse to let fall, so instead I smile as hard as I can and look into the mirror. From that smiling face and those shining eyes, one lone tear falls from my eye so fast I can't catch it fast enough. But it's enough to make the rest stop, realize it isn't worth it, my tears can't stop it anymore than I can prevent the lone tear from falling. Instead, I sit and I hope for a better tomorrow and smile through my tears.
I am borderline silent tears that I refuse to let fall, so instead I smile as hard as I can and look into the mirror. From that smiling face and those shining eyes, one lone tear falls from my eye so fast I can't catch it fast enough. But it's enough to make the rest stop, realize it isn't worth it, my tears can't stop it anymore than I can prevent the lone tear from falling. Instead, I sit and I hope for a better tomorrow and smile through my tears.
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