unlike her own

She told the story from her perspective, it was not far from the truth, a kind of dark shade of grey kind of truth. Her voice stayed low so the girl could only hear pieces of the half truth floating toward her. The girl always knew it would happen, as the woman never seemed to hold her tongue for very long; feeling a sense of relief that it was at least being acknowledged, let out a small breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her timing was interesting at best and as a smile played at her lips she remembered being in this very room a year ago with a smile that was only ever for this place, once a week for just over an hour. She melted back into happiness for that moment, remembering what it was like to have someone like that in her life again, someone who just understood with a look, a sigh, a gentle squeeze of a hand.
Tonight the woman was tainting a memory she didn't own; thankfully her voice was low and what she needed to share and attempt to spoil couldn't be done. The girl looked over only to see a quick flash of sadness on the woman's face before it was covered up with anger she wears saved only for this place. A slow sadness crept in before the memory had a chance to finish and right there she knew she could no longer be hurt by the woman knowing she didn't understand. All too suddenly it was time to go, one more hour sifted though as they both watched separately together.

happily sad or completely unattainable

It doesn't always show, only those who really know what is underneath the smile can see the truth behind it. Good days are great days and sad days are good days. No matter what the day brings, my feet land on the floor, usually the right than the left (because i sleep on the left side of the bed) and I enjoy each morning as though it is the first in my days ahead. I have been reading the Anne of Green Gables stories, and in Anne of Windy Poplars she meets little Elizabeth, who is living in 'today' and knows 'tomorrow' is just around the corner and is looking forward to when each day is in 'tomorrow'. I feel that way lately, more so than i usually do. I feel as though 'today' is just a resting point for me to gather my bearings, find out where He is trying to guide my life. But often in 'today' I find myself daydreaming of 'tomorrow'. Every single thing happens for a reason, I live by that mantra, but sometimes not knowing just what will happen with the choices I make, those choices that involve my daughter, make me fret, make me nervous, make me stress.

How can I plan when I don't know what I am planning for? I have a great friend who says she doesn't plan based on a time frame of life, but on the here and now. She isn't worried about the 'tomorrows' in life, just the 'today'. I don't even think I could be like that! As I have been told, and have already known my entire life, I need to feel in control. Whether this is the first child syndrome or being female, I am unsure; I think it's more about a blend of all that makes me me...but for whatever the reason, my life comes down to the here and now for this very moment. These moments… I cherish them, happily sad, for the guilty fear that it could all fade away when I wake tomorrow then place my feet on the floor. The "what-if's" of my life is what I am so very scared of. I think for the first time, i think I am admitting I am scared of the unknown. I make great choices when they are simple choices, I choose to work hard each day, I choose to plan for my daughter, try to make her smile each day, make her try something new, but for myself? Oh NO! Stick with what I know, stick with the known and veer away from the unknown. The darkness that surrounds an unknown for me takes my breath away. When the choices come to me, my own personal happiness, I wonder if I am so fearful of the unknown that I am setting myself up for failure each time I do attempt something new. Hurtful actions never completely leave me, they fade into the background of my everyday life, but I carry them as Jesus carried his cross...proudly, head held high, knowing this brings something more than one can ever imagine. I don't say I am Jesus, I just think I can understand his complete acceptance as to who he is and what choices he made through his short life on earth. He was not perfect and neither am I. But at the end of the day, I am just me, an almost single mom trying to do the right thing..first by my daughter, then by me.

But some days, it just feels so much harder than I had ever anticipated. Why is it that I go for things that are challenging and just out of my reach? Why do I go for things that have no end in sight? Is it the challenge? Is it that I still have some of the control? Or is it just that, I am happily sad living my life making choices that are just out of my reach, completely unattainable? Whatever the reason may be, I will wake up each day and smile knowing today I just might be in 'tomorrow'.

when it gets difficult...just reach a bit further

She was tired. The effort it took to pretend as though she didn't know who they were, to pretend she didn't care they didn't look her way, to pretend she wasn't cringing on the inside every single time her heart jumped. Then, right as she began to look up there were the boots walking in followed by the flip flops. She knew those boots anywhere, the flip flops were so typically her and why is her heart beats so fast? Can the woman sitting next to her hear that? And just like that the heart calms, the fire starts to burn and her anger once again turns real. Yet just as quickly as the anger fired up, the sadness hit and she realizes once again there isn't anything to cause the angry other than the initial knee-jerk, flight-fight reaction. The decisions have been made without her, never has she not had a say in her own life, but they didn't give her a choice. The tears threaten to fall with lost hope of what could have been, what still could be. Instead, she looks down at the words in the book and counts them just like last week, and the week before, and the year before. A year before was hope and possibility, this day was sad realization and resigned disappointment.
She looks down and laughs at the stupidity. They match, her in the flowing black skirt, teal peasant blouse that seems to flow with her as she moves, she in the simple straight lines of a sleeveless teal shirt and black carpi's with casual black flats. She begins to stare, a bit longer than she's comfortable with but still unwilling to look away, hoping the head will come up from the book that has her so engrossed. But nothing changes, everything stays the same. It's time to go, the little one aches to say hello and wrap her arms around her but knows without a doubt she would be punished. Her eyes ask so many unanswered questions and try to plead for understanding, the older one just looks with knowing sadness but says nothing. Her skirt flows around her legs as she moves on and out in a whirl of perfume that speaks only of her.

She did the unthinkable, she once again reaches for the shelf that she knows she can't reach. But she continues to try as her heart slowly hardens against what she knows will always be just lengths away.

girlfriends

Friendship is a funny thing, I have a few different 'circle's' of friends. There are the girls I chat with every single day, then there are the coworkers I spend 40 plus hours a week with, but only Monday through Friday. Then there are my go to girls, there are only a select few of those. These girls are the special ones in my life who barely know one another, but who know all there is to know about me, when the times get tough or the story is just so special to share, I can go to either of them, even after a year or two years apart and I know they would sit down with me and listen. The best part about these girlfriends is they are also forever friends. I would do anything for them, forever and i know they would do the same for me. I love my forever friends.
My other girlfriends, they were met through someone and when first meeting them you hope for a kindred spirit. But, after a while, I say....ahhh well that would be why I hadn't met her before. I like her, a ton but she just isn't a kindred spirit. She isn't a forever friend. It takes so much time and energy and effort to make and keep a forever friend, I then wonder, is it just me?
Am I just too lazy to attempt at making another forever friend? But then I realized, nope. That is the whole point of making a kindred spirit, the fun that goes into working it and making it that much better of a friendship. So, I am smiling as I type because i know the girls in my life are for me, and with me for a reason. Some may be annoying, some may be selfish, some may be fun, some may be sensitive. But all in all, you add up each bit of an individual's personality and you've got me.

found then lost

I found a kindred spirit, someone completely unexpected, but with one conversation I just knew you understood me, you got what made me click and I understood you in the same way. Found off the beaten path in an area unknown to only those of a similar interest, our daughters. It all started with a smile, and there it began, a friendship of complete understanding without having to say the words. It was simple and easy, it was fun and refreshing, seemingly never having its downs only up and ups. Conversations came easier, daily connections made us smile. The understanding, no hidden meaning, no secrets, just a relaxing friendship.
Swept aside like the dust on the front steps, it ended, completely unexpected. I guess it's the only proper ending, just as it had begun and just the opposite. Taken by surprise, no understanding, hidden meanings only known by the intrepretation of the receiver. Confusion, wondering, but no tears, no sadness. Simply watch it go, like a kite whose line ran out and wasn't connected. Maybe that is how our spirits were, only connected until the string reached it's end.

the smile

It all started with a smile a time or two ago, when it happened isn't important, the smile is all that is matters. Without that smile, they wouldn't be where they are today. She, wondering what it all means, he thinking just how much to share. Her, marveling at the words that seem to escape her through her fingers but nothing seems to make it further. Him watching her reaction, so scared and nervous to open up, knowing if he doesn't now, the chance may be lost forever.
There is a scared fear of the unknown in her eyes, she knows she isn't ready but his eyes plead with her to ignore her gut and trust him. She trusts, oh how she trusts and he just doesn't realize. Her heart aches for who she could be if things were different. She half looks, half makes light conversation all the while, she feels the warmth spreading from deep inside racing faster, burning like a fire trying to get out. Light laughter flows from her, she clears her throat hoping to cover the shock...he shares something so sacred with her. It was something created together, yet to see it as though he gave it a real life and gave it truth, she shivers in her own heat. He is so nervous, the red has crept further and she tries not to notice, to make light of their hearts flipping faster, His nervousness begins to show as he flips if only to do something with his hands other than touch her shoulder, hold her hand behind his back, give her the reassurance that only he seems to understand.
A break in the storm has put her feet back on level ground. She can focus, she can speak, she can think again through the gray of the lines in her mind. He moves through the motions of the break, has a quiet conversation while he watches her as she watches him.
He stands, will she come back to him...she moves closer and laughs but the smile is forced. He has no clue what she thinks, he worries, his smile is gentle and prodding, he pushes and she pushes back, not ready to confront the rush of emotions that completely consumes her. Words are difficult, she resorts back to the ease in which they first conversed but he wants nothing of the fake laughs and smiles.
He cares and she doesn't know how.

a year

A year ago I was stressing, I was worried, I panicked at least once a week
A year ago I cried tears that I didn't think would stop.
A year ago I leaned hard on everyone close to me.
A year ago I thought I may actually have to share a piece of me with someone who didn't want it.
A year ago I realized just how strong I really am.
This past year I found me.
This past year, I cried tears of joy more than I cried tears of sadness.
This past year I allowed myself to share me with someone else.
This past year my heart accepted love.
This past year I gave my love to someone else.
This past year I realized my 6 year old doesn't always need me.
This past year I took a deep breath and realized it is okay.
This year I will accomplish more than even I will think I can.
This year I will love unconditionally.
This year is a year of new beginnings.
This year I smile.