Stay at Home

If I had my own way, and I don't, I would be a stay at home mom with at least 4 children to raise where I am their main parental contact and guide. In the case of life that has been given to me, instead I work a full time job and a part time job and my daughter and I live home with my mom and brother and 2 cats.

I am NOT COMPLAINING. I really love the life i live right now. I may not have chosen it, but i am a firm believer in decisions being made prior to my existence here on Earth and I am but a vessel for greater goodness. Regardless of that.

Today is day 2 of my 4 day stint playing a stay at home mom with Emma and I am LOVING THIS LIFE!!! Friday at 4:32pm began our new adventure with a pick up at the YMCA - Emma's last day of Summer camp and she absolutely thoroughly and amazingly enough enjoyed every single day. This is by far our most fabulous accomplishment EVER! After a quick run (29:38 for a 3.1 by yours truly) I picked Emma and her very aqueous friend Natalie up from Kids Corner to swim for a while. After swimming we, meaning myself and Emma along with aqueous Natalie and her mommy Courtney, came back to my current abode - Nana's house for some dinner and last day of summer camp Ice Cream Treat.

Saturday Morning was a lovely wake up...eyes being peeled open by Emma telling me she has already 'read' her books and is now ready for me to wake up and snuggle. Wake up and snuggle is a very difficult challenge for me since I have a very hard time waking up and not getting out of bed. I also have a very difficult time snuggling and staying awake. Hence the problem. But it was accomplished Saturday...and Sunday... and as i type i can promise you tomorrow morning will be no different. But i wouldn't change a thing.

Saturday was a huge milestone for Emma and me too. We spent the entire afternoon, from about 1pm until 9ish with the boyfriend. It was a little tense for a while, he didn't have the child with him and Emma was a bit annoyed by this revelation but she did seem to react better than i had previously thought. We also went to the Chatham Fair where she won 2 goldfish, I won 1 goldfish and the boyfriend (avid basketball player) won 1 goldfish. Emma is now the proud owner of 'Carly', 'Sam', Fred the 4th' and 'Gibby' <--name has been changed from its original name of Shirley the 5th.

Today was a good friend's daughter's bouncy bounce birthday party...in Clifton park. It may as well have been in NYC for the drive was that long. Once there, Emma had a blast! She has got to be the cutest little girl ever. We then attempted 3 stores (which i have quickly found out about 2 years ago is the limit of Emma's shopping expedition) to find black shoes for the catholic school uniform she will be wearing this coming Friday. Next up, afternoon at the Crossings. What a great place to play! We have never been before today and will never make that mistake again. Playground, tons of grass, a running/bike path indoor water area, the works. Minus a pinched finger from the bike helmet we had a great day. Then leads to ice cream (an unexpected surprise!!!!) and home again.

Once home we both take a deep breath and appreciate we have a home as comfortable as we do. Emma has taken to playing with her barbies over the past few weeks. I have mentioned I have a Barbie dollhouse and accessories for said dollhouse and found the motivation tonight to trek into the unknown attic of my mother's hidden stash of everything to find this fun stuff. Well, once we had everything organized and ready to play the clock read 6:52pm. ding ding, there is only 7 minutes until church! What were we thinking? Duh..setting up Barbies takes a while. I have forgotten just how long it takes! So, we rush to change into church appropriate clothing and off we go. In the meantime barbies have been abandoned and schodack gets left on the porch.
After an amazing sermon about listening to the words and signs, we meet up with a family that i personally have not seen in ages. The mom is an all star mom. Not only does she run a household, but is an attorney and has served in Iraq! The catchup was over all too quickly.

Once home, we found schodack in a frenzy on the porch and to find out why...she crapped there! augh!..totally my fault but Emma takes it to the parenting level (another reason i want to stay at home..see how Emma interacts with the animals on a regular basis!!) Emma gets on the cat's level and explains ( i need to pretend I am Emma for a moment) I am very disappointed in this type of behavior and pooping on the porch when you (the cat) had been offered to go outside or stay inside and you didn't pick either is not right. I tried to let you go out and you wouldn't go. me and mommy were rushing because we were late to church and you wouldn't go outside.
Now, i had already explained to Emma that this whole issue was my fault and i should have made the cat go outside but she would not hear of it! I was amazed at just how tough she was with schodack's so embarrassing whoops.

End the night with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and making some homemade chocolate chip cookies. A longer than necessary tub and a later than usual bedtime led to some very good cuddling and a bit of snoring.
Me on the other hand, find myself up at almost 1am after a very nice quick visit from the boyfriend, contemplating the ways i can be a stay at home mom and not mooch off my mother while still affording private tuition! Since I can't think of any, I won't quit my day job but i will enjoy the next 2 days home with Emma as i have enjoyed the other 2....play like a 5 year old and expect nothing other than happiness and food.

final decision

It's always hard when thoughts are rolling around and I can't seem to make sense even when its all i can do to try and focus on them. All of a sudden, one seemingly insignficant event occurs and those thoughts come tumbling together making a startingly clear reality. Now i find myself looking back wondering exactly how long I have been thinking these misconstrued thoughts.

It's the looking back though that makes me second guess myself. And personally, I have found when i begin to second guess my decisions while driving, they are ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wrong. (I second guessed an exit on my way to Long Island and ended up in Jersey!) So this time, when there it was, pretty much staring at me in front of my face, i took a chance a made the jump BEFORE I could second guess myself. And, although right now, the decision to be single, really single as in, not having any plans with the boyfriend at any time in the near future. As in, trying my damnest to explain to him what i am having a difficult time explaining to myself. As in, once again trying to figure out me and what I was put here on Earth by Him for. I sit here and ponder and type.

I am not sad, i am not unhappy, but once again I feel I am not the me I thought I was. AGAIN. Once again, I feel myself growing out of the comfort level I have been in for months and trying out a new shell. I am stunned by this decision and even more shocked that I feel nothing more than stunned. How exactly is this supposed to fit in with my life and what I have been living for months? Why is it I am so scared to get to the next level and let myself open up to another person? I may ask myself that, but deep down I know that answer before I even typed it out. I won't ever let myself get hurt ever again. I have kept myself at such a distance from the boyfriend that my emotions were never involved. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to realize those thoughts have been trying to point something out to me. I tried to ignore them only to have those thoughts come to an actual point and show me what I was trying to hide from.
Why is it that I need to pretend to be someone I'm not? Or is it not that i am pretending, but just that I don't know who I am at all?

the corner around the bend

Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.

waiting on the clock

As females, we always seem to be waiting. whether it's in line at the grocery store, waiting for the clock to turn to 4pm so i can leave work and see my little one...or on the off chance i have plans, waiting on him. why do we care? why are we so in tune with a clock that no matter what time of day it is we always seem to be waiting?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?

my little girl

To Emma,
You have turned 5 years old today. This afternoon is your offical 5th birthday. You now have the ability to display all 5 fingers whenever anyone asks you just how old you are. My precious little girl. How quickly time has flown. I can remember the 2 days prior to given birth to you like it was yesterday. How long those days seem to take and how quickly these 5 years seem to have gone past me. If not for the realization that you are also going to kindergarten at Holy Spirit and the first monthly payment I have already made, i don't think reality would have offically set in.
Emma, you are the most precious child i have ever met. You are so smart, witty and fun. I laugh with you, at you, at my reactions to you every single day. The moments with you are just as wonderful today as they were yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't be the mom i am today.
Guess what? Chicken butt! Its so silly, it has no meaning but it makes the both of us smile every single time we hear it. Just remember, and you do, don't say that at school!
At the most, I have had to ask you 8 times to get dressed in the morning, at the least, I got out of the shower to find you dressed and ready to go.
You hear a fun dancing song on the radio, in the car on 'mommy's running music' or the music in the pool at the Y, even on one of your own cd's and you will dance. Regardless of where we are, no matter..sitting, standing, swimming or buckled in you will dance. If i ever had to say something of you, Emma you dance and you smile the entire time you do it.
This is your birthday week. Yes, I said week because no matter how old you become, it took us a good week to decide we were better apart from one another than together. And although you are only 5 right now, you are awesome with me, but you are even better on your own. Emma, you will go far, you will do great things and you will touch people in ways that will constantly amaze me. I know at school today you had to 'share' your day with the last person you would ever want to share it with, but you whispered to me you didn't want to share but you would and yes Emma, you did. You share with the patience of an adult and the bounancy of a child.
I love you with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without you as my child. No matter how hard our life together may get, no matter how easy it may become at times, we can say we did it together and we are champions together.
Emma, my life was built to take care of you and I promise you, I will do everything I can in my power to keep you safe. I will pick you back up if you fall. I am your mom today, yesterday and forever.

the 'us' defination

I sit here typing listening to pandora..after a night of potential plans fall apart and we end up together, i listen to Kenny Chesney, anything but mine. And how fitting is that? I am anything but yours, but i still feel so connected. for the rest of my life, i am anything but yours..anything but not yours.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.

sadness is a part of life

You say you want to talk. Finally, after all this time, after we both agreed we are better apart than together do you decide that you have something to tell me?
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.