I sit here typing listening to pandora..after a night of potential plans fall apart and we end up together, i listen to Kenny Chesney, anything but mine. And how fitting is that? I am anything but yours, but i still feel so connected. for the rest of my life, i am anything but yours..anything but not yours.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
sadness is a part of life
You say you want to talk. Finally, after all this time, after we both agreed we are better apart than together do you decide that you have something to tell me?
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
the fitting
Emma and I went for her uniform fitting this afternoon after pre-school. Attending kindergarten is not a surprise to her. We had signed up back in January and on a regular basis the topic is brought up. Today though, trying on the uniform, the actual thought of kindergarten had my little one and me in tears. I was on my knees attempting to console a very inconsolable 4 1/2 year old little girl in a plaid jumper.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the past
It has been a while since i have blogged. I want to say sorry for that. So much has happen in the past 2 months and i will be catching up. But, in case you were wondering, life is okay. I am happy and emma is still doing awesome. I have a boyfriend who treats me well and he is hot!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
runner in training
Emma and I had an impromptu home day on Monday. Since the weather has been so nice out, i have been running outside. Once we had taken care of all morning chores and did sufficient relaxing, I decided to go for a run and push Emma in the stroller. Yes, i know she is 4 1/2, but 3 miles for me is huge let alone Emma.
Dressed in our running gear with the music ready to go, we head out for a run. It was hard, i never ran and pushed a stroller before and Emma was so happy to feel her having the wind blowing in her face. Once she was bored of it, she wanted to run with me. After about 30 seconds of running we stopped, took a break and found some nice rocks....did another run, stopped again played some pooh sticks in the stream...ran again...stopped, pet the horses and ran one last time. All said and done I ran over 3 miles, but it took us over an hour. So my run turned into a nice afternoon workout.
After religion class last night, on our way home Emma asked me where i was going and I told
her the gym to run. She tells me she wants to run again because her arms
and legs are not as skinny as when she woke up from her nap (the other day)
meaning Tuesday when i picked her up from school... we had this long conversation about how she had noticed when she woke up from nap, her arms and legs were 'much skinnier' than when she lay down to take her nap. I asked Emma why she thought that was and she said it was from all the running she did on our home day silly. I mean what was i thinking????
Anyway...long story short, Emma had asked me when we could run again and see the horses since the horses were out on our run. So apparently, I now have a new running partner (and a stroller and a few carrots and apples to feed the horses) Along the way, we will have some rocks and may play pooh sticks too.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
the hardest decision in a while
First, 2 blogs in one night? I am on a roll! I am unsure the proper blog protocol, but considering one blog has nothing to do with the other, it only felt appropriate.
Tonight, in my heart, I know I made one of the hardest decisions in a very long time, and failed miserably. My decision is something that is so hard it hurts but i know its the right thing to do. I prayed on it, did what i felt was right, and was given another option.
Personally, I call it caving and prolonging the enevitable; maybe not. Maybe because I gave with my heart, this will be what i know it can be.
I always want to know the why about everything. Tonight i realize its okay to not know why and smile a sad smile.
Tonight, in my heart, I know I made one of the hardest decisions in a very long time, and failed miserably. My decision is something that is so hard it hurts but i know its the right thing to do. I prayed on it, did what i felt was right, and was given another option.
Personally, I call it caving and prolonging the enevitable; maybe not. Maybe because I gave with my heart, this will be what i know it can be.
I always want to know the why about everything. Tonight i realize its okay to not know why and smile a sad smile.
If it keeps working
Sunday mornings at 9:30 am you will find me and Emma sitting at St. Henry's in Averill Park, together for about 10 minutes. Once Father calls the young children up to him to they all slowly make their way up to him. Not my Emma. She leaps out of my arms and runs up to see him every single Sunday!
Today my darling little irish daughter, who is the first person up to Father for a good 45 seconds, is proudly displayed her St. Patrick's Day beads from the parade yesterday. Father made a point to admire them and she preens! At 4 1/2 she can preen like a teenager. He then tells Emma and the other children, because she is the first one up to see him, would she like to carry the book and lead all the children to their teacher? Of course she does! It is the ENTIRE reason she wants to go to church! I get her little smile as she passes me by with her hands held high holding the book over her head.
Today my darling little irish daughter, who is the first person up to Father for a good 45 seconds, is proudly displayed her St. Patrick's Day beads from the parade yesterday. Father made a point to admire them and she preens! At 4 1/2 she can preen like a teenager. He then tells Emma and the other children, because she is the first one up to see him, would she like to carry the book and lead all the children to their teacher? Of course she does! It is the ENTIRE reason she wants to go to church! I get her little smile as she passes me by with her hands held high holding the book over her head.
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