Lately i feel life is happening before my eyes and i am hardly making any of the decisions. Its as though, I am in control and yes the drive behind the force, but cirumstances seem to be making the tough decisions so much easier. It isn't as though I am not strong enough to make a decision, I am. Had i asked myself that very question a year ago i would have said probably not. But, lessons are learned and today I am one of the toughest and strongest chicas I know.
What is it about decisions and turning points in my life? I feel as though I have run a marathon and my position has totally changed. I wish i could really run a marathon. I once read a great book that said, be careful what you wish for. So i have been, careful that is, but i still want to run a marathon. My position has changed and because my theory on life was skewed for so long i thought i would never get it back to where life made sense. but here i am, one day at a time, focused and strong.
I have turned the corner and made it around the bend to see sunshine happens when it rains. And what do you get when that happens? A rainbow.
My life, with Emma, it's a rainbow. full of sun and full of promise.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
waiting on the clock
As females, we always seem to be waiting. whether it's in line at the grocery store, waiting for the clock to turn to 4pm so i can leave work and see my little one...or on the off chance i have plans, waiting on him. why do we care? why are we so in tune with a clock that no matter what time of day it is we always seem to be waiting?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?
I for one am worst of all at the clock game. My clock in my bedroom is 12 minutes fast. The clock in the car is 20 minutes fast, and my computer at work is 3 minutes fast. Unfortunatly, that i cannot take credit for. The IT people that like to screw with us women (yup they are men) have set all of our computers 3 minutes faster than the rest of the world. Regardless of what each clock says, I know how the conversion works. Why do i still set it ahead?
The real question becomes, why do we worry while we wait? Is our free time so very important that we are so concerned with those few extra minutes?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
my little girl
To Emma,
You have turned 5 years old today. This afternoon is your offical 5th birthday. You now have the ability to display all 5 fingers whenever anyone asks you just how old you are. My precious little girl. How quickly time has flown. I can remember the 2 days prior to given birth to you like it was yesterday. How long those days seem to take and how quickly these 5 years seem to have gone past me. If not for the realization that you are also going to kindergarten at Holy Spirit and the first monthly payment I have already made, i don't think reality would have offically set in.
Emma, you are the most precious child i have ever met. You are so smart, witty and fun. I laugh with you, at you, at my reactions to you every single day. The moments with you are just as wonderful today as they were yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't be the mom i am today.
Guess what? Chicken butt! Its so silly, it has no meaning but it makes the both of us smile every single time we hear it. Just remember, and you do, don't say that at school!
At the most, I have had to ask you 8 times to get dressed in the morning, at the least, I got out of the shower to find you dressed and ready to go.
You hear a fun dancing song on the radio, in the car on 'mommy's running music' or the music in the pool at the Y, even on one of your own cd's and you will dance. Regardless of where we are, no matter..sitting, standing, swimming or buckled in you will dance. If i ever had to say something of you, Emma you dance and you smile the entire time you do it.
This is your birthday week. Yes, I said week because no matter how old you become, it took us a good week to decide we were better apart from one another than together. And although you are only 5 right now, you are awesome with me, but you are even better on your own. Emma, you will go far, you will do great things and you will touch people in ways that will constantly amaze me. I know at school today you had to 'share' your day with the last person you would ever want to share it with, but you whispered to me you didn't want to share but you would and yes Emma, you did. You share with the patience of an adult and the bounancy of a child.
I love you with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without you as my child. No matter how hard our life together may get, no matter how easy it may become at times, we can say we did it together and we are champions together.
Emma, my life was built to take care of you and I promise you, I will do everything I can in my power to keep you safe. I will pick you back up if you fall. I am your mom today, yesterday and forever.
You have turned 5 years old today. This afternoon is your offical 5th birthday. You now have the ability to display all 5 fingers whenever anyone asks you just how old you are. My precious little girl. How quickly time has flown. I can remember the 2 days prior to given birth to you like it was yesterday. How long those days seem to take and how quickly these 5 years seem to have gone past me. If not for the realization that you are also going to kindergarten at Holy Spirit and the first monthly payment I have already made, i don't think reality would have offically set in.
Emma, you are the most precious child i have ever met. You are so smart, witty and fun. I laugh with you, at you, at my reactions to you every single day. The moments with you are just as wonderful today as they were yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't be the mom i am today.
Guess what? Chicken butt! Its so silly, it has no meaning but it makes the both of us smile every single time we hear it. Just remember, and you do, don't say that at school!
At the most, I have had to ask you 8 times to get dressed in the morning, at the least, I got out of the shower to find you dressed and ready to go.
You hear a fun dancing song on the radio, in the car on 'mommy's running music' or the music in the pool at the Y, even on one of your own cd's and you will dance. Regardless of where we are, no matter..sitting, standing, swimming or buckled in you will dance. If i ever had to say something of you, Emma you dance and you smile the entire time you do it.
This is your birthday week. Yes, I said week because no matter how old you become, it took us a good week to decide we were better apart from one another than together. And although you are only 5 right now, you are awesome with me, but you are even better on your own. Emma, you will go far, you will do great things and you will touch people in ways that will constantly amaze me. I know at school today you had to 'share' your day with the last person you would ever want to share it with, but you whispered to me you didn't want to share but you would and yes Emma, you did. You share with the patience of an adult and the bounancy of a child.
I love you with every single fiber of my being. I wouldn't be the mom I am today without you as my child. No matter how hard our life together may get, no matter how easy it may become at times, we can say we did it together and we are champions together.
Emma, my life was built to take care of you and I promise you, I will do everything I can in my power to keep you safe. I will pick you back up if you fall. I am your mom today, yesterday and forever.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
the 'us' defination
I sit here typing listening to pandora..after a night of potential plans fall apart and we end up together, i listen to Kenny Chesney, anything but mine. And how fitting is that? I am anything but yours, but i still feel so connected. for the rest of my life, i am anything but yours..anything but not yours.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
it is not a sadness that washes over me, but a resigned realization that for good, for bad, for ugly, for nice, you and i are ever twined through the child, we, together, brought into this world. come hell or high water, come heat, come snow, our child is exactly that..ours. For the rest of my life, i have you in my life and you have me in yours. Somedays, some weeks, some months it will be awful. then some days, some weeks, some months it will be good. But what greatness we had has passed.
You have shown me the bad is not worth the good.It wasn't what we were, it was what we were not. That is the hardest part for me to grasp. it wasn't that i was happy, it was that i was happy enough. I don't settle, ever. No matter how hard i try it never seems good enough for me.
My parents raised me right, they taught me to push my hardest and do my best. Growing up i thought this was just meant for schooling, but schooling turned into college and going to college I learned it is very different in comparision to everything i have ever learned. Then all of a sudden adulthood is here and damn where has the time flown?
Then i begin to realize, no matter how hard i am trying i know it isn't good enough for me, so i know it wouldn't be good enough for my parents who raised me with intentions of greatness. Then all of a sudden, it is utter dispair...and such sadness...and once again, such disappointment. All of a sudden, its joy and happiness only to be followed once again by dispair and disappointment, but this time that is all my own doing and i find myself trapped and unable to breathe. Everything gets too close for comfort and all i want to do is shout and stretch but i can't do either one. I can only breathe those short, shallow breaths that mean the end is near, but i keep pushing the end until i can't take another breathe.
Then, i stop. And when i finally stop, i cry. Because the end is here and although i knew it was going to happen, i still was not prepared. And i cry.
And tonight, i cry. and it hurts, so much. but i cry because it feels better than holding it inside. but then i breathe again and find it doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would. it feels as though i can go, i can push that extra bit and find me, buried underneath all the happy, the sad, the hard, the up, the down, the unhappy, the little bit of happy..there i am. But a glimmer, but i'm there. Fighting strong for what i believe and for what has been instilled in me, the greatness that I know I can be.
Friday, May 29, 2009
sadness is a part of life
You say you want to talk. Finally, after all this time, after we both agreed we are better apart than together do you decide that you have something to tell me?
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.
It makes me so mad, so frustrated, so sad that I cannot let this thought go out of my head. For so long all I have ever wanted is to be inside your head and figure out all the things I couldn’t figure out in the past. I get it, I know that everything happens for a reason and I was not supposed to know what I know now before this but I still wonder. You make me wonder if it is even worth wanting to listen.
I will listen and I will be attentive. I will try my best to hear what you have to say and not to have my ‘I am in the right and you are so incredibly wrong it’s not even funny’ attitude. I do know I am not right not even close to being right about 75% of my life, but hindsight is an amazing thing.
What you don’t seem to realize is that I have moved on. I would like to say I have given up, but to be quite honest, I started that over 2 years ago, back in January, and really gave into the idea that you won’t be my knight in shining armor last spring. Once the final snow fell, once the flowers started blooming and I felt that itch everyone begins to feel, I knew I had to get out. I knew I was of no use or need to you nor were you to me. You and I have been over for so long now that I can say with complete truth and conviction I am not in love with you, but I will love you for what you have given me, for what you have taught me and for Emma. No matter what happens after today, you and I will forever be intertwined.
Part of me is so saddened to realize I have yet another failed relationship, and in my eyes only, one more person that doesn’t meet up to the high expectations I have set for my potential life mate. Its funny though, I think, in picking one another I knew from the moment I met you that you were not what I wanted in a life partner but you smiled at me and I was lost in whatever you were saying because of that pretty smile and they way you sold yourself.
It really is all how we portray ourselves isn’t it? For the first part of the relationship, the grace period we will call it, everything is wonderful and lively and fun. Neither person can do any wrong. We brush the inadequacies aside to deal with later on or just hope they were a flight of fancy and it was a complete lapse in judgment. But those lapses in judgment never actually go away do they? We wish them away, we ignore them away; but in the back of our daily lives there it lingers, like the acrid scent of a stinky diaper that somehow managed to miss the pail. Then before you know it, a year has gone by and all of a sudden that grace period has become something we have a vested interest in.
The times that are good are great, in a way its amazing at just how great they really are. And who are we to ponder those little black moments that tarnish all that is good? But then, all of a sudden there they are, those little black moments, a constant in our lives and it can no longer be ignored, but it still does not become the forefront of the relationship because instead we have greater challenges to face, greater expectations and with those expectations is that little glimmer of hope that yes, things can be good again and just perhaps everything can be fixed with a simple smile and the ease of a little laugh.
But it doesn't. It is only a temporary fix to a dam that has already burst. Soon, all too soon the dam begins to break in many places and instead of the mini fixes comes fear that all will be washed away down the river and lost forever. But yet there is always hope, a twig, a branch, a boulder to stop the flow for a while until the water gets to high that too gets covered. And reality has now set in, its sink or swim.
I chose to swim. Today i still am not sure what you chose. I want to hope you chose to swim not with me, but along side me. But what i feel, deep where you know its real is that you sink. And i am so selfish, i want you to sink. i want you to feel what you forced me to feel and it is so awful there is such a dark hole where you left and i want to fill it but you want to talk.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
the fitting
Emma and I went for her uniform fitting this afternoon after pre-school. Attending kindergarten is not a surprise to her. We had signed up back in January and on a regular basis the topic is brought up. Today though, trying on the uniform, the actual thought of kindergarten had my little one and me in tears. I was on my knees attempting to console a very inconsolable 4 1/2 year old little girl in a plaid jumper.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
We, and I say we because like everything else, this will be a journey for the two of us. Yet each of us will have such a different experience and yet I have the strange feeling in years to come we will both look at this enormous feat and ultimately see the same thing, we have accomplished this and we did it together.
I have no doubt there will be tears of sadness, frustration, anger and fear (probably mostly on my part) but I know, I can do this. As a single mom who cares more for my daughter's happiness than my own, (my child is now snorting like a pig in the shower. she tells me the pig has joined her) the tears will be mine.
Now, as i sit here typing Emma is in the shower, washing her body and playing with a shower sponge in the shape of a turkey. She is filling her mouth with water and 'squirting' the turkey down. Oh the fun my child can have with water, a sponge and her own mouth! She really does have an imagination that makes me stop and wonder, "where in the world did she think that one up???" And as I do on a daily basis, thank Lord that I have my daughter, Emma.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the past
It has been a while since i have blogged. I want to say sorry for that. So much has happen in the past 2 months and i will be catching up. But, in case you were wondering, life is okay. I am happy and emma is still doing awesome. I have a boyfriend who treats me well and he is hot!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)