If I knew then...

After learning the truth, the real truth and not the truth behind the rose colored glasses, isn't the first question always, 'knowing what I know now, would I do it all over again?' I'm not sure what most people would do, but I know me and I know I would do it all over again.  Yes, I am better off now; I'm sad oh so sad knowing life once again has passed me by.  Daily I pray to be on God's path and for him to close those doors that are no longer meant to be open.  This door was closing not too long after it had been open.  I was lucky enough for it to stay open for as long as it was just so I could learn so much more about me and what I could handle.

As I look to leave the past behind me and begin a new, I can only hope the challenges I have faced in the past allow me to escape those same challenges in the future.  Almost every day I can be the grown up, the mature adult who smiles and walks with her head held high; it's times like this when I feel I can't just sit back and watch it all crumble away.  I always thought I could help and make through, but have realized I can't help what hasn't completely broken and sadly when it does break, I won't be here to help.  

Falling in love was the easy part, letting go to watch it fall apart is hard.

Impact

     I hate the catsup bottle turned upside, same with the BBQ sauce bottle...but if it's almost empty I'll flip them to get the most out.  I like making plans, but if opportunity arises, I'll take it.  Sometimes, it's better to just sit back and listen even if I want to speak my peace.  So now, sometimes...'When my little girl has to write a story about a picture she has that made her smile and she picks one where she is turned upside down,' I just smile and shake my head.  A random loud burp, singing country at the top of her lungs in true country twang, picking on me for short hair...it's all my little girl, but she's with an impact.
     We've both changed in the past year and have added a bit to our list of 'who we are' and that other list of 'what we do'.  Either way, we were impacted by our new little past in ways I never could have imagined. I hardly ever roll my eyes anymore and I miss that, but I don't miss the ear plugs.  I found about 10 of them the other day rolling around in a top drawer and found myself smiling that half smile; thinking oh thank goodness I don't need those and yet thinking awww I don't need those.  What a topsy turvy thought rolling through.
      Each moment has an impact on the future; at the time I had no idea just how it would be today.  Oh the stories I have heard repeated, similar to those stories from the past, the ones shared over and over to keep a memory fresh that can never be replaced by a newer memory.  The choice I made to keep my heart protected inevitably involves little Lou and starts her new past stories a fresh.
No matter, I'm thankful for the time shared, for what I've learned, the smiles I've made and the tears I've cried.  In my eyes it was all good, because it's better to remember the good and laugh of the silly and forget the rest.